HALLOWEEN'S ALMOST HERE AND I'M READING SPOOPY COMICS TO CELEBRATE THE DARK CARNIVAL AND I GOT THE HOT IDEA TO SCAN A FEW OF 'EM AND SHOW THEM OFF AND THEN I REMEMBERED THE LAST COMIC POST I DID THAT TOOK THREE YEARS TO WRITE BECAUSE I WENT OVERBOARD SO THIS TIME I PUT LIMITS ON MYSELF. NINE COMICS, NOT THE COUPLE DOZEN I HAD IN MY READING PILE. THREE COMICS PER POST, ONE FROM THE 70S, ONE FROM THE '90S AND ONE FROM THIS CENTURY. ONLY THREE SCANS PER COMIC - THE COVER, A FAVORITE PANEL AND A WILDCARD. HERE'S THE FIRST OF THREE POSTS, ENJOY THE SPOOKY
THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER #11 JULY 1974
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS JOHN ROMITA COVER
FRANKENSTEIN* CHAINED UP IN A DUNGEON GETTING ATTACKED BY WHAT APPEARS TO BE A MASH UP OF RASPUTIN, THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME AND ANDRE THE GIANT WIELDING FIRE (BAD!) WHILE SOME RANDOM WOMAN COWERS IN MAYBE THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE IN A STRUGGLE BETWEEN AND MONSTER AND THE MAN WHO WANTS HIS BODY
OF COURSE, THE COVER IS UTTER BULLSHIT. RASPUTIN THE GIANT (NAMED IVAN BECAUSE RUSSIAN AND ALSO A REDHEAD IN THE COMIC) ACTUALLY GETS IN A FIGHT WITH VINCENT (GREAT GRAND-NEPHEW OF VICTOR OR SOMETHING) FRANKENSTEIN BECAUSE THE MONSTER IS HIS FRIEND AND VINCE WANTS TO PUT IVAN'S BRAIN IN FRANKENSTEIN'S BODY SO THE MONSTER WOULD BE EASIER TO CONTROL. YES, THE DIPSHIT DOCTOR ACTUALLY SAYS THAT TO IVAN'S FACE. AFTER THAT ALL FUCKIN' HELL BREAKS LOOSE WITH IVAN ATTACKING VINCENT AND THE MAID BUTTING IN ON THE FIGHT AND THEN FRANKIE FIGHTING IVAN AND THEN MORE FIGHTING BETWEEN VINCE AND IVAN AND THERE'S WRESTLING AND STRANGLING AND GUNS AND SWORDS AND EVERYTHING IS JUST BATSHIT CRAZY AND IT'S INCREDIBLE. THIS COMIC HAS GIVEN ME A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE ON MARVEL HORROR COMICS. IT'S NOT GORY OR LURID LIKE EC OR DC COMICS, BUT DAMN IS IT ACTION PACKED AND WELL WRITTEN. THE LADY IN RED ON THE COVER IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND, BUT VICTOR'S WIFE MAKES AN APPEARANCE AND IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SHOCKING TWIST ENDING
not gonna do the obvious sideshow bob joke
DIE-- VINCENT FRANKENSTEIN! DIE!!!
THIS IS EASILY THE STANDOUT PANEL OF THE COMIC WHAT WITH VINCENT GETTING BODY SLAMMED BY IVAN THE GIANT RIGHT ONTO FRANKENSTEIN'S BALLS WITH BEAKERS AND SHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE WHILE THE POOR MONSTER'S JUST STRAPPED DOWN ON THE TABLE MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS. NO WONDER FRANKIE WAS SO GRUMPY WHEN HE WOKE UP, NO ONE NEEDS A MAD SCIENTIST FLUNG RIGHT IN THE JUNK. THE CRASH! IS NOT LONELY IN THIS COMIC, THERE'S TONS OF OOFS AND AAAARGGGHHS AND WHUMPS AND BLAMS EVERYWHERE. THIS COMIC IS AMAZING AND I'M GOING TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR MORE OF THEM
THERE'S ALSO A BACKUP STORY THAT WAS RECYCLED FROM A PREVIOUS COMIC CALLED THE MAD SCIENTIST! THAT IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE BUT KINDA OBVIOUS BY THE SECOND PAGE AND IT'S GOT THE HEARTWARMING MARVEL SHIT GOING ON SO IT KINDA FALLS FLAT COMPARED WITH THE FRANKENSTEIN MAYHEM. IT HAS TO DO WITH SUSPENDED ANIMATION AND TIME TRAVEL AND I THINK THE ONLY REASON IT'S IN THIS COMIC IS BECAUSE OF THE TITLE BECAUSE GOTHIC HORROR IT AIN'T. ANYWAY, HERE'S AN AD
STRAT-O-MATIC BASEBALL! GOTTA STAY SOMEWHAT ON BRAND ON THIS BLOG AND HERE'S YOUR SPORTS CONTENT FOR THE DAY. I AM ON RECORD THAT I PREFER THE STATIS-PRO TABLETOP SPORTS GAMES FROM AVALON HILL OVER STRAT-O-MATIC BUT I HAD ALL FOUR SPORTS GAMES WHEN I WAS A KID AND PLAYED THEM ALL. MY PERSONAL STRAT-O-MATIC GAME RANKINGS:
#4 - BASKETBALL
#3 - FOOTBALL
#2 - BASEBALL
#1 - HOCKEY
I LIKE HOW COMPUTER-PROGRAMMED IS A MAJOR SELLING POINT FOR THE GAME. BACK WHEN COMPUTERS WERE STRANGE MYSTICAL CREATURES WHO DID SORCERY WITH NUMBERS FOR THE BENEFIT OF HUMANITY. NOWADAYS WE KNOW THAT COMPUTERS ARE IDIOTS WHO DO WHATEVER DUMBASS THING THE ASSHOLE CONTROLLING THEM TELLS THEM TO DO EVEN IF IT RUINS EVERYTHING FOREVER. I MISS THE PAST WHEN COMPUTERS WERE GOOD AND FUN. OPEN AND ENLARGE THIS PIC TO READ THE FANTASTIC COPY, IT'S LIKE A TWITTER ARGUMENT. THOSE EGGHEADS THINK 'PAPER SKILLS' WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS BUT IT ISN'T! IT'S LUCK! AND STRATEEGERY! I BET YOU COULD LEAD THE PADRES TO THE TITLE WITH YOUR MANAGING ACUMEN AND A SET OF LOADED DICE. SEND IN THAT DIME FOR A CATALOG YOU KNOW YOU WANNA
SPEAKING OF TWITTER ARGUMENTS, IMAGINE THE MADNESS THAT WOULD OCCUR IF YOU SUGGESTED HANK FRICKIN' AARON SHOULD BUNT TO BREAK UP A TOM SEAVER NO-HITTER. THE ENTIRE INTERNET WOULD BURN TO THE GROUND
DINOSAURS ATTACK! # 1 OF 3 1991
YEAAAAAH DINOSAURS! Y'ALL KNOW I LOVE THIS STUFF. IN 1991 ECLIPSE COMICS DID A 'GRAPHIC NOVEL' OF THE DINOSAURS ATTACK! TOPPS TRADING CARD SET. IT'S ACTUALLY A SLEAZY COMIC AND NOT A GRAPHIC NOVEL BUT NO SENSE IN QUIBBLING. THE COMIC EXPANDS ON THE STORY IN THE ORIGINAL TRADING CARD SET WHERE SCIENTISTS SCREW UP ROYALLY WITH A TIME TRAVEL DEVICE AND ZAP A BUNCH OF HUNGRY DINOS TO THE PRESENT DAY. THE COMIC USES A LOT OF THE ORIGINAL CARD ART AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE COVER. THE COMIC ITSELF IS A BIT ODD, MOST OF THE COMIC IS DRAWN IN A TYPICAL COMIC STYLE BUT WHENEVER THE DINOSAURS SHOW UP IT CHANGES TO A PAINTED ART STYLE THAT MATCHES THE TRADING CARDS WELL AND IS WONDERFULLY HORRIBLE. THERE ARE A LOT OF REFERENCES TO THE ORIGINAL SET AS IN THIS PANEL:
HERE'S THE SCENE FROM CARD #5 - HOMEROOM HORROR WHERE A DINO BUSTS INTO A CLASSROOM AND CHOMPS ALL THE KIDDOS. THIS ISN'T ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE PANEL IN THE COMIC, THAT GOES TO THIS AMAZING TWO PAGE SPREAD WHERE SOME JACKASS IS CRUISING DOWN THE STREET IN HIS HOT ROD CHUGGING A PEPSI WHEN HE ROLLS THROUGH THE TIME PORTAL THAT'S BRINGING ALL THE LIZARDS AND MELTS FROM OLD AGE. BUT THIS ONE HERE MADE ME CACKLE DUE TO THE MY LEG!! EXCLAMATION BECAUSE THE INTERNET HAS RUINED MY MIND AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF THE SPONGEBOB MEME
SADLY THERE WAS NEVER AN ISSUE TWO OR THREE OF THIS COMIC AS ECLIPSE WAS HAVING MASSIVE FINANCIAL ISSUES BY 1991. THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY TOPPS DIDN'T JUST PUBLISH THE REST OF THE STORY THEMSELVES WHEN THEY STARTED PUBLISHING COMICS IN 1993. MAYBE BECAUSE THEY WERE ALREADY PUBLISHING MARS ATTACKS AND JURASSIC PARK COMCS ALREADY? WHO KNOWS. FORTUNATELY IDW REPRINTED AND COMPLETED THE STORY IN 2013 FOR THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY
ON THE BACK COVER THERE ARE FOUR ADDITIONAL TRADING CARDS FOR THE SET. THE COMIC COVER IS PRINTED ON CARDSTOCK PERFECT FOR CUTTING OUT THE CARDS AND PUTTING THEM IN THE BINDER WITH YOUR SET. YOU DO HAVE YOUR SET IN A BINDER DON'T YOU? THE NEW CARDS FEATURE A GOOFY OUTDATED MOVIE REFERENCE, A FUN HOLIDAY THEME, A PRETTY BADASS AIRLINE ATTACK AND THE SATAN DINOSAUR MONSTER THAT CAUSED THE WHOLE MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE. ONE DAY I WILL FIND A SECOND COPY OF THIS BOOK AND GET OUT THE SCISSORS
CREEPY #13 AUGUST 2013
DARK HORSE COMICS CREATED THEIR OWN ANTHOLOGY SERIES IN HONOR OF WARREN COMICS' ORIGINAL CREEPY AND EERIE MAGAZINES FROM THE 60S AND 70S. I ENJOY READING THE ORIGINALS AND SNAGGED THIS ONE AT THE LOCAL COMIC SHOP PROBABLY WHILE I WAS LOOKING FOR MY LITTLE PONY COMICS AND THE DINOSAURS ATTACK REPRINT. IT'S PRETTY GOOD! I BOUGHT THIS SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE ISSUE 13 AND I ENJOY THE BLACK CAT AND BROKEN MIRRORS ON THE COVER WITH UNCLE CREEPY. THE COMIC ART IS MORE MODERN BUT THE STORIES ALL HAVE THAT CREEPY VIBE:
THE SCALES - A GENUINELY DISTURBING STORY OF A GIRL WHO IS FORCED TO HELP BABYSIT A MYSTERIOUS NEIGHBOR. BEST STORY IN THE BOOK IN MY OPINION
THE PROSPECTRE - AN IDIOT TRIES TO STEAL THE GOLD OF A GHOSTLY PROSPECTOR. EVERYTHING ENDS WELL
THE LAST STOP - A SLICE OF LIFE STORY ABOUT THE NEW YORK SUBWAY. ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU GIVE SOMETHING TO PANHANDLERS. OR NOT? THE ENDING IS PRETTY AMBIGUOUS. THIS IS LIKELY PROPAGANDA FROM THE AUTO INDUSTRY
THE SQUAW - OFFENSIVE TITLE IS OFFENSIVE. THIS IS A REPRINT FROM THE ORIGINAL MAGAZINE AND THE ART STYLE CHANGE IS A BIT JARRING. IT'S A HORRIBLE TALE BASED ON A BRAM STOKER SHORT STORY ABOUT AN ASSHOLE WHO IS MEAN TO A CAT. VINCENT PRICE DID A RADIO DRAMATIZATION FOR THE BBC AND IT'S FANTASTIC, GIVE IT A LISTEN
DEER X-ING - THIS STORY MAKES NO SENSE BUT REDNECKS WHO DRINK AND DRIVE GET WHAT THEY DESERVE SO IT'S OK WITH ME
IN ADDITION THERE ARE THREE PAGE-LONG GAG COMICS FROM PETER BAGGE WHICH ARE ALL GREAT
MY FAVORITE PANEL HAS TO BE OF THE DEATHLESS HORSIE REUNITING WITH HER PROSPECTOR FRIEND. THIS ISN'T AS BIG A SPOILER FOR THE PROSPECTRE AS YOU MIGHT THINK AS THERE IS A NASTY LITTLE TWIST AT THE END
NO ADS IN THIS COMIC SO HERE'S PETER BAGGE'S BACK COVER COMIC. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS FANTASTIC. THERE'S SOME SERIOUS ADDAMS FAMILY ENERGY AND BAGGE'S ART IS BOTH SILLY AND SINISTER. AND WHO WOULDN'T WANT A THREE HEADED CAKE?
MORE COMICS BY HALLOWEEN UNLESS I'M LAZY AND THEN YOU'LL GET THEM AT THANKSGIVING OR SOMETHING
*YES YES YES IT'S FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER NOT FRANKENSTEIN BECAUSE FRANKENSTEIN IS THE DOCTOR AND BLAH BLAH BLAH WE KNOW YOU'RE VERY SMART AND CORRECT
I'MMA CALL HIM FRANKENSTEIN
I'M NOT ENJOYING THE WORLD SERIES AS MUCH AS I PROBABLY SHOULD BE BECAUSE OF ALL THE RIDICULOUS NONSENSE THAT'S HAPPENED THIS POSTSEASON! SO I'M CHEERING MYSELF UP WITH KELLOGG'S CARDS!! IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I POSTED ONE I FORGOT WHO I'VE ALREADY SHOWN OFF!!! I KNOW I'VE DONE THREE KELLOGG'S POSTS AND ONE WAS DICK ALLEN SO IF I UPLOAD THREE CARDS AT LEAST ONE OF THEM HAS TO BE NEW TO THE BLOG!!!!
JOHN MAYBERRY!!!!!
PAT KELLY!!!!!!
CESAR GERONIMO!!!!!!!
I'VE ALSO GOT A BINDER FULL OF THESE THINGS AND A WORKING SCANNER SO NOW YOU WILL SOON GET TO SEE!!!!!!!! MORE!!!!!!!!!! KELLOGG'S!!!!!!!!!!
YES THERE ARE STICKERS IN THE FRANKENSET. I WAS GOING TO POST THE STICKERS AFTER I COMPLETED SERIES 1 BUT THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE FUN TO DO IT AFTER EVERY NINTH CARD. I MEAN, WHAT'S A NON-SPORTS SET WITHOUT STICKERS?
1989 Ghostbusters II - Slimer
THE FIRST GHOSTBUSTERS MOVIE ONLY GOT A FEW CARDS IN THE 1988 FRIGHT FLICKS SET. GHOSTBUSTERS II GOT MERCHANDISED ALL TO HELL AND GOT IT'S OWN TRADING CARD SET. GOOD OLD FASHIONED CARDBOARD ENCASED IN WAX CONTAINING NO INSERTS AND ONE STICKER PER PACK. DID GHOSTBUSTERS 2016 GET A SET? 21ST CENTURY NON-SPORTS FRIGHTEN AND CONFUSE ME AND SEEM TO BE AUTOGRAPH DELIVERY SYSTEMS RATHER THAN TRADING CARDS. THERE HAS TO BE SOME OUT THERE, I WANT A HOLTZMANN CARD. AND A SEQUEL
EVERYONE CRAPS ON GB16 BUT MY THOUGHT IS THIS: IT AIN'T AS GOOD AS GHOSTBUSTERS, BUT IT SURE AS HELL IS EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS GHOSTBUSTERS II AND I FRIGGIN' LOVE GHOSTBUSTERS II . OK, SO THERE ARE PROBLEMS WITH BOTH MOVIES BUT IN THE END THEY ARE BOTH COMEDIES ABOUT SCIENTISTS SHOOTING GHOSTS WITH LASERS AND THAT'S GREAT. AND IF GHOSTBUSTERS II WAS ANY GOOD, IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN CARTOONIZED TO BE MORE LIKE THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS WITH TECHNICOLOR JANINE AND SLIMER EVERYWHERE. WAS SLIMER EVEN IN THE MOVIE ALL THAT MUCH? I KNOW HE HE ATE TULLY'S LUNCH AND WAS A GHOSTLY BUS DRIVER AS THIS STICKER DEPICTS BUT HE SURE WASN'T THE GHOSTBUSTER'S PET LIKE IN THE CARTOON. HE MIGHT HAVE HAD MORE SCREEN TIME IN THE ORIGINAL NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. SLIMER HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN THE 2016 MOVIE AND THEY BOTH RIDE INTO THE PORTAL TO HELL IN THE ECTO-1.WAIT DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. WAS THAT A REAL THING OR IS DEMENTIA SETTING IN. I RELUCTANTLY AGREE THAT BOTH MOVIES HAVE MOMENTS THAT ARE COMPLETELY SILLY AND SOMETIMES EMBARRASSING BUT THEY ARE MOVIES ABOUT SCIENTISTS WHO SHOOT GHOSTS. THE '84 VERSION AIN'T PERFECT EITHER, WTF WAS UP WITH RAY GETTING A BLOWIE FROM CASPER THE WAY TOO FRIENDLY GHOST. I WAS ELEVEN WHEN I SAW THAT SHIT
ANYWAY, THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR NEGATIVITY, THIS IS A TIME TO PRAISE STUPID FUN HORROR COMEDIES AND CELEBRATE STICKERS OF DEAD WORKING CLASS SPIRITS WHO LOVE HOT DOGS AND SNOTTING ALL OVER PEOPLE
PUZZLE BACK! EVERYONE LOVES THE PUZZLE BACK STICKERS. THIS ONE HAS SOMEONE WEARING ALL BLACK AND CARRYING A PROTON PACK.I JUST WATCHED THE ORIGINAL LAST WEEK AND THE BLACK SUITS INSTEAD OF THE BEIGE ONES IS THROWING ME. DAMN GHOSTBUSTERS SAVE ONE CITY FROM A SUMERIAN DEMON AND GO ALL HOLLYWOOD. ALTHOUGH I BET THEY LOOK BETTER AFTER A SLIMING
ALL I EVER DO NOWADAYS IS READ COMICS OR BUY COMICS AND NOT READ THEM OR THINK ABOUT READING THE COMICS I BOUGHT OR GO OUT TO LOOK FOR MORE COMICS TO NOT READ OR DODGE THE GIGANTIC PILE OF UNREAD COMICS THAT COLLAPSED BARELY AVERTING DEATH. A BIG REASON FOR THIS IS THAT IT IS WAY EASIER TO FIND CHEAP OLD COMICS THAN IT IS TO FIND CHEAP OLD CARDS. OR CARDS IN GENERAL FOR THAT MATTER. BILLY SUTER NOTICED ME RAMBLING ON ABOUT COMICS ON TWITTER AND KINDLY SENT ME A COMIC
DAREDEVIL! HERE HE COMES. NO FEAR. IN A LIVING PRISON! SO BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER I SHOULD GIVE FULL DISCLOSURE HERE AND TELL YOU ALL THAT I AM A DC GUY. TO BE SPECIFIC AN EC -> DC HORROR -> VERTIGO GUY. I LIKE THE SPOOKY MONSTERS THAT LIVE IN THE CREEPY OLD HOUSE WHO EAT YOUR HORRIBLE FACE. YOU KNOW LIKE THE VAULT OF HORROR, THE HOUSE OF SECRETS, THE SHED OF SATAN, THE OUTHOUSE OF EVISCERATION, THAT KINDA STUFF. ALSO: I JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT SUPERHEROES. I WAS A KID IN THE 70S AND 80S WHEN SUPERHERO COMICS WERE LUDICROUS AND STARTING TO GET EXPENSIVE AND IT WAS EASIER TO JUST WATCH THEM ON TV. AND MY COMIC MONEY WENT TO MAD MAGAZINE ANYWAY.
SO THAT BEING SAID, I HAVE NO NOSTALGIA FOR MARVEL SUPERHEROES UNLIKE LITERALLY THE ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD. BUT I READ THE COMIC AND REALLY ENJOYED IT. WELL, THE ACTUAL STORY WAS OK. SOME SILLINESS ABOUT DOCTOR DOOM AND DAREDEVIL SWAPPING BODIES THROUGH SOME GIANT VACUUM-TUBE CONTRAPTION AND THEN HIJINX ENSUES. AND A GOOD HALF OF THE STORY REFERS TO STUFF THAT HAPPENED IN OTHER ISSUES TO ADD TO THE CONFUSION. BUT THE ADVERTISEMENTS WERE FANTASTIC! COOL OLD COMIC ADS ARE THE BEST! YOU READ THE POST TITLE, YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING
HERE ARE... ALL THE ADS
INSIDE FRONT COVER - FAYD ZIT ZAPPER CREAM
THIS ISSUE IS FROM MARCH, 1968 WHICH IS BEFORE MY COMIC-READING TIME BUT A LOT OF THE AD STYLES ARE FAMILIAR TO ME FROM READING PARODIES OF THEM IN MY UNCLE'S OLD MAD MAGAZINES. MAD MAY HAVE PARODIED THIS EXACT AD BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'VE SEEN THIS SMILING UNBLEMISHED GIRL WITH THE SAD PIZZA-FACED SCHLUB OVER HER SHOULDER BEFORE. JUST TRY THIS NON-GREASY NON-STINKY SKIN WHITENING (??) GLOP FOR 7 DAYS AND YOU'LL BE DANCING AT THE SOCK HOP AGAIN AND HAVE A CLEAN PILLOWCASE TO BOOT. AT THREE BUCKS FOR 3 OUNCES, I FEEL THE AVERAGE COMIC BOOK READER WOULD SPEND THEIR MONEY ON SOMETHING MORE SENSIBLE. LIKE TWENTY-FIVE MORE COMICS
FOR REALS THOUGH WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MADE OUT OF IF IT ELIMINATES FRECKLES
NO I REALLY DON'T KNOW I WORE MY TEENAGED PIMPLES PRODULY AND SAVED MY MONEY FOR PACKS OF TOPPS
PAGE FIVE - MORE TRIUMPHS FOR MARVEL!
NOT BRAND ECHH WAS MARVEL'S PARODY COMIC MAKING FUN OF SUPERHEROES. THIS SHOULD BE RIGHT UP MY ALLEY WITH HOW I LOVE EARLY MAD COMICS AND PLOP, BUT I'VE NEVER READ ONE. IT ONLY LASTED FROM 1967-1969 AND YOU DON'T FIND THOSE COMICS IN QUARTER BOXES SO I'LL PROBABLY NEVER READ ANY. EVERYBODY KNOWS EXACTLY WHO NICK FURY AND SHIELD IS ALTHOUGH CONTEMPORARY FANS ARE WONDERING WHO'S THAT WHITE DUDE ON THE COVER. WHERE'S SAMUEL L. DAMMIT
ALSO FOR SOME REASON THERE'S SOME LEGALESE OVER ON THE SIDE WITH CIRCULATION TOTALS. LOOKS LIKE THE PREVIOUS ISSUE HAD 466,700 PRINTED, BUT ABOUT 150.000 WERE TRASHED. I NEED TO USE THE HIGH-POWER BIT ON MY MAGNIFYING GLASS TO READ THIS SO I'M NOT GOING TO READ ANY MORE OF THAT STUFF
PAGE SIX - ARE YOU A DUMBASS? MAIL FOR A FREE PAMPHLET! ASSUMING YOU CAN READ
DON BOLANDER WANTS YOU ALL TWO LEARNED TOO SPOKE AND WRITING ENLGISH MORE BETTER. IN FIFTEEN MINUTES A DAY YOU CAN SPEAK AND WRITE LIKE A COLLEGE GRADUATE WITHOUT THE HUNDRED GRAND IN STUDENT LOANS.. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD WHEN I SAW THIS AD BECAUSE IT WAS PARODIED IN ALAN MOORE'S 1963 SERIES FROM IMAGE, A SERIES I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. IF YOU NEED TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE MORE GOODER YOU CAN FIND DON'S BOOK ON AMAZON. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU CAN FIND THE ACTUAL PAMPHLET THOUGH
PAGE ELEVEN - U.S. GOVERNMENT SURPLUS CATALOG
FOR A BUCK YOU CAN GET A CATALOG FULL OF GOVERNMENT GOODIES FOR SALE. PARACHUTES! BOATS! HELMETS! AXES! BUNK BEDS! MINE DETECTORS! HAVERSACKS! SO MUCH NEAT STUFF IN THE ILLUSTRATION. COOL SUNGLASSES! TYPEWRITERS! A FUN HAT! HANDCUFFS! A CANNON! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ILLUSTRATION OF THE TINY MAN LEANING ON THE GIGANTIC ORB IN THE LOWER RIGHT CORNER IS SUPPOSED TO INDICATE BUT IT'S BUY IT. BEST OF ALL IF YOU SPEND TEN BUCKS YOUR DOLLAR FOR THE CATALOG IS REFUNDED! WHO COULD POSSIBLY ONLY SPEND TEN BUCKS THOUGH WHEN YOU CAN BUY A DADGUM AIRPLANE FOR $158.00. I WANT ALL THE GOVERNMENT SWAG!!!
THIS BEING SAID THERE IS AN ACTUAL ARMY/NAVY SURPLUS STORE A FEW MILES DOWN THE ROAD AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN OVER 30 YEARS
PAGE SEVENTEEN - THE REASON FOR THIS POST
FRANK ZAPPA IS PART OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE. THIS IS CANON. BTOOOM! THERE'S A WHOLE LOT TO UNPACK HERE. THAT PORTRAIT OF FRANK NEEDS TO BE HANGING IN THE LOUVRE OR AT LEAST THE MÜTTER MUSEUM. THE TITLE IS MISSING THE APOSTROPHE BUT IT SHOWED UP IN 1974. I APPRECIATE HOW THE CATALOG NUMBER V/V65045X IS INCLUDED IN THE AD FOR THE RECORD NERDS. ZAPPA'S PREVIOUS ALBUMS FREAK OUT! AND ABSOLUTELY FREE E E E E E GET SOME ADVERTISING AS WELL AND YOU MUST BUY ALL OF THESE PRODUCTS NOW! I ALREADY HAVE FREAK OUT AND ABSOLUTELY FREE ON CD AND WE'RE ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY ON VINYL SO NO LOSS OF STATUS FOR ME. I CAN CONFIRM THEY ARE ALL THRILLING CLEAN EXPENSIVE FUN
THE ALBUM ITSELF IS STILL PRETTY SUBVERSIVE ROASTING HIPPIES AND SQUARES ALIKE AND SATIRICALLY SHINING SOME LIGHT ON SOME HORRIBLE SHIT. IT WAS ALSO CENSORED TO ALL HELL. THE SARGENT PEPPER PARODY COVER WAS SWAPPED WITH THE GATEFOLD IMAGE BECAUSE THE RECORD COMPANY THOUGHT THE BEATLES WOULD SUE I GUESS? INSTEAD WE GET THE BAND IN DRAG FOR THE COVER WHICH YOU'D THINK WOULD BE MORE CONTROVERSIAL IN 1968 BUT WHAT DO I KNOW. MGM BUTCHERED A BUNCH OF THE SONGS TO CUT OUT BAD LANGUAGE OR LANGUAGE THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE BAD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH BUT THE GOOD STUFF WAS PUT BACK IN LATER ON SO YOU CAN HEAR THE IMMORTAL LYRICS:
BETTER LOOK AROUND BEFORE YOU SAY YOU DON'T CARE
SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH ABOUT THE LENGTH OF MY HAIR
HOW WOULD YOU SURVIVE
IF YOU WERE ALIVE
SHITTY LITTLE PERSON
MY FAVORITE VERSION OF THIS ALBUM IS THE CD WITH BOTH WE'RE ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY AND LUMPY GRAVY. PLOP THIS IN THE CD PLAYER AND HEAR THE WHOLE SHEBANG IN ONE SITTING. THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM, AT LEAST RIGHT THIS SECOND
ONE LAST THING BEFORE I MOVE ON WITH THIS INCREASINGLY ENORMOUS POST. THERE'S A COUPON TO FILL OUT AND SEND IN TO UNITED MUTATIONS. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD DO THIS, BUT YOU CAN LET EM KNOW HOW AND WHEN. DO YOU GET A CATALOG? A SIGNED PHOTOGRAPH OF FRANK ZAPPA WITH OFFICIAL AUTOGRAPH FORGED BY CAL SCHENKEL? PUT ON THE FBI'S UNAMERICAN MALCONTENTS LIST? SOMEONE GO BACK IN TIME AND SEND THIS IN AND LET ME KNOW. YOU DON'T NEED THE COUPON YOU CAN JUST WRITE A LETTER
PAGE TWENTY ONE - WHOLE BUNCHA JUNK
WE'VE REACHED THE CLASSIFIED ADS SECTION OF THE COMIC. AS WE REACH THE END OF THE STORIES THE ADS COME FAST AND FURIOUS. THE LAST SIX PAGES OF THE BOOK IS ALL ADS AND LETTERS PAGES. THIS IS HOW THEY TRICK YA. HERE'S A LINE OR TWO ON EACH AD BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE WRITING THIS POST FOR NINE HOURS
COLUMN ONE:
THE ONLY JFK SILVER HALF DOLLAR SET ONLY $5.99 FOR $1.82 WORTH OF COINS. YOU CAN GET AN UNCIRCULATED SET FOR ABOUT 30 BUCKS BUY IT NOW ON EBAY SO A BETTER INVESTMENT THAN ZIT CREAM
FREE PAMPHLET TO LEARN HOW TO WRITE SONGS GOOD WITH THE MORE GOODEST ENGLISH YOU LEARNED FROM DON
SECRET SPY SCOPE FOR $1.98 WITH FREE MICROSCOPE TO READ THE TEXT IN THIS AD AND A FREE LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT TO WARD OFF BEING ARRESTED FOR PEEKING AT LADIES ON THE TOILET WITH A PEN-SIZED TELESCOPE
FIFTY CENTS FOR A LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN GET FOR FREE. WHAT A COUNTRY
ALSO FIFTY CENTS FOR A CATALOG OF AMAZING HOUDINI MAGIC TRICKS THAT EVEN MAGICIANS DON'T KNOW. THE DOODLE OF AN ILLUSIONIST AND HIS FLOATY ASSISTANT IS MY FAVORITE ON THE PAGE
IF YOUR CRAZY UNCLE FINDS YOUR COMIC, HE CAN USE THIS AD AND SEND HIS WACKIEST IDEAS TO KANSAS CITY AND GET RICH! ON HIS SUPER USEFUL INVENTION IDEAS. ASSUMING THESE GUYS JUST DON'T STEAL THE IDEA. SHOULDA GOT A PATENT, UNC
COLUMN TWO:
I HAVE NO SNARK FOR ESTES MODEL ROCKETS, THOSE THINGS ARE COOL AS HELL AND IF YOU'VE NEVER BUILT AND SHOT ONE OFF YOU SHOULD DO SO
IF YOUR CRAZY UNCLE SENSITIVE BROTHER FINDS YOUR COMIC, HE CAN USE THIS AD AND SEND HIS WACKIEST IDEAS INSPIRING BALLADS TO KANSAS CITY BOSTON AND GET RICH! ON HIS SUPER USEFUL INVENTION POPULAR SONG IDEAS. ASSUMING THESE GUYS JUST DON'T STEAL THE IDEA. SHOULDA GOT A PATENT COPYRIGHT, UNC BRO
MINI MOTORCYCLE CATALOG FOR A BUCK OR A PAMPHLET FOR A QUARTER. SPLURGE FOR THE CATALOG YA CHEAPSKATE
COLUMN THREE:
LOOK AT THE SUPER ISOMETRICS AD ILLUSTRATION AND TELL ME THAT THIS WASN'T AN INSPIRATION FOR MONTY PYTHON'S DYNAMO TENSION ANIMATION. I'D LINK IT BUT IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE ONLINE. IT'S IN SEASON 1, EPISODE 5
FREE CATALOG FOR NOT AT ALL SHADY HOME IMPORT BUSINESS. YOU KNOW, FOR KIDS
$12.95 FOR AN ELECTRIC GUITAR SEEMS LIKE A DECENT DEAL TO ME. FORGET THE IMPORT BUSINESS GO START A BAND, KID
BOTTOM ROW:
C O M I C C O L L E C T O R S
50 CENTS FOR A BACK ISSUE CATALOG PLUS A SASE SEEMS A BIT PRICEY BUT WHERE ELSE YA GONNA FIND BACK ISSUES IN 1968? AIN'T NO LCS BACK THEN
WHICH ONE YA GONNA BUY: 350 ASSORTED KRAZY LABELS OR FIFTY COLORFUL BIKE DECALS FOR A BUCK? I WANT TO SAY I'D CHOOSE THE COOL SKULL DECAL BUT I KNOW I'D BE CHEAP AND GO FOR THE CRUMMY STAMPS. THERE'S 350 OF THEM!
PAGE TWENTY TWO - OH MY GOD
TWENTY EIGHT ADS!!! I HAVE A 1D10, THE NUMBER ROLLED IS THE NUMBER OF WORDS I WRITE FOR EACH AD. HERE GOES NOTHIN'
BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRR
ART TRACING PROJECTOR DOOHICKEY $1.98
COLUMN THREE:
MORE STAMPS ON APPROVAL MY GOD
AGAIN! MORE FREAKING STAMPS ON APPROVAL KILL ME
WTF THIS ENTIRE ROW IS STAMPS ON APPROVAL
EXCEPT FOR 20 DIFFERENT TRIANGLES FOR TWENTY FIVE CENTS. I WANT TO SEND THEM A QUARTER JUST ON PRINCIPLE
THERE'S ALSO FREE STAMPS WITH NO APPROVAL BUT THEY'RE FROM CANADA. NO MORE STAMPS IN THIS COMIC I BEG YOU MARVEL
PAGE TWENTY SEVEN - NO STAMPS THANK THE MAKER
MY REWARD FOR (MOSTLY) SLOGGING THROUGH THE TINY CLASSIFIED ADS IS A PAGE WITH TWO ICONIC HALL OF FAME COMIC ADVERTISEMENTS. FIRST, LET'S SELL GRIT, AMERICA'S GREATEST FAMILY NEWSPAPER. GRIT HAD A CIRCULATION OF OVER A MILLION COPIES WHEN THIS AD WAS PUBLISHED. THIS AD WAS IN EVERY COMIC BOOK EVER PRINTED. PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE, EVERY SINGLE COMIC BOOK. WITH OR WITHOUT ADS, THEY ALL HAVE GRIT. EVEN IF YOU DON'T SEE IT, IT'S THERE SUBLIMINALLY. THERE IS NO COMIC WITHOUT GRIT. GRIT IS LOVE. GRIT IS LIFE. GRIT IS ALL. GRIT IS STILL PUBLISHED! BUT IT'S A MAGAZINE NOW
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SINGLE ISSUE OF GRIT ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME AND I AM CONVINCED I NEVER WILL
WALLACE W. REUMANN WILL MAKE YOU A MASTER OF KARATE. THIS DUDE AND COUNT DANTE WERE ALL OVER COMIC BOOKS BACK IN THE DAY. I CAN BARELY READ THE TEXT ON THIS THING EVEN WITH THE HIGH-POWERED MAGNIFYING GLASS BUT WALLACE WAS APPARENTLY THE ONLY KARATE INSTRUCTOR IN UPSTATE NEW YORK RECOGNIZED BY THE INTERNATIONAL KARATE FEDERATION IN TOKYO. HE DIDN'T TEACH KARATE BUT SUPER KARATE. HIS INSTRUCTION BOOK IS FOR SALE FOR NINETY NINE CENTS PLUS SHIPPING BUT IF YOU ALSO BUY THE GIANT LIFE SIZE PRACTICE DUMMY SHIPPING IS FREE! IF YOU MISSED OUT ON THIS THE PAMPHLET IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON FOR 40 BUCKS
THE ACTUAL COMIC ENDED ON PAGE TWENTY SIX SO THE REST OF THE ADS WERE ONLY SEEN BY THE HARD CORE LETTER READING FANS
PAGE TWENTY NINE - MOICHENDIZING
MARVEL GOTTA SELL THAT SWAG. WE GOT THE T-SHIRTS, SWEAT SHIRTS AND FAN CLUB UP FOR SALE HERE. THE T-SHIRT DESIGNS ARE MORE OR LESS THE SAME ONES YOU'D SEE TODAY: CAPTAIN MARVEL, THE FANTASTIC FOUR, THE AVENGERS, THOR, SPIDER-MAN, IRON MAN, THE INCREDIBLE HULK. UNLIKE TODAY, THERE'S EXACTLY TWO WOMEN ON THE ENTIRE PAGE AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY BLACK PANTHER SHIRT. FOR SOME REASON THE SWEATSHIRTS ONLY COME IN HULK AND THE THING FLAVORS. I GUESS BECAUSE SWEATSHIRTS ARE CHUNKIER MAYBE? I CAN SEE MY YOUNGER SELF WEARING A HULK SHIRT, I WAS PRETTY CHUNKY MYSELF. THE MERRY MARVEL MARCHING SOCIETY MEMBERSHIP KIT LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD DEAL FOR A BUCK. IT COSTS EIGHT COMICS AND CHANGE BUT YOU GET A RECORD, STICKERS, NOTE PAD AND PENCIL, A MAGNILOQUENT (???) MINI BOOK, A MAJESTIC CERTIFICATE AND MUNIFICENT MARVEL MEMBERSHIP CARD. GOOD GRIEF, MARVEL, ENOUGH WITH THE ALLITERATION. THIS IS WHY I READ TRASHY DC CRAP
SILLY MATH EXERCISE: A MARVEL COMIC COST TWELVE CENTS AND A T-SHIRT WAS A BUCK SIXTY MEANING ONE T-SHIRT IS WORTH THIRTEEN AND ONE THIRD COMICS. AT TODAY'S COMIC PRICES THAT WOULD MAKE A T-SHIRT COST SIXTY SIX DOLLARS AND FIFTY THREE CENTS
PAGE THIRTY TWO - FIRST BALLOT INAUGURAL CLASS UNANIMOUS HALL OF FAME ADVERTISEMENT
THERE WERE AT LEAST HALF A DOZEN PERMUTATIONS OF THIS AD IF NOT MORE AND THEY WERE ALL FANTASTIC. REVOLUTIONARY WAR, WORLD WAR TWO, ROMAN EMPIRE, CIVIL WAR. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ALL THE DIFFERENT PLASTIC ARMY MAN SETS THESE DUDES SOLD THEY WERE ALL ADVERTISED IN THE BACK OF COMICS AND THEY ALL LOOKED AMAZING. WELL, THE ADS LOOKED AMAZING, I NEVER BOUGHT ONE OF THE SETS TO FIND OUT IF THE ACTUAL TOYS LOOKED AMAZING. THE DESCRIPTION WAS AMAZING AT LEAST, SO MANY SOLDIERS! SO MANY DIFFERENT TYPES! INFANTRYMEN! SHOOTING, MARCHING, CROUCHING AND CHARGING! SHARPSHOOTERS! CANNONS! FIFERS AND DRUMMERS! MINUTEMEN, MOHAWKS AND HESSIANS! RATFINK OFFICERS WAY IN THE BACK! DRAGOOOOONS!!! THIS AD POKES EVERY NOSTALGIA GLAND IN MY BRAIN WITH A BAYONET
INSIDE BACK COVER - HONOR HOUSE TREASURE CHEST
SPEAKING OF ADVERTISEMENT HALL OF FAMERS, IT'S THESE GUYS. EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PEDDLER OF CRAP. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER METICULOUSLY DOCUMENTED EVERY AD IN A COMIC BOOK AND I'VE FOUND THREE ITEMS ON THIS PAGE WHICH ARE FOUND ELSEWHERE IN THE BOOK. THE KARATE PAMPHLET PROBABLY ISN'T THE SAME AS MR. REUMANN'S SUPER KARATE. HOWEVER THE SUPER SPY SCOPE AND THROW YOUR VOICE PAMPHLET ARE FOUND ELSEWHERE AT THE SAME PRICE. THE SELLER IS STABRYM- 147-47-6A WHITESTONE NY WHICH AS FAR AS I CAN TELL IS UNGOOGLEABLE. I HAVEN'T TRIED BING. MAYBE AN HONOR HOUSE ALIAS? FOR THE REST OF THE PAGE I WILL STATE WHETHER I WOULD WANT TO BUY THE ITEM USING MY DERANGED 8 YEAR OLD THOUGHT PROCESSES
MAGIC CARDS - A MARKED DECK OF CARDS WITH INSTRUCTIONS FOR MAGIC TRICKS? HELL YES. WAIT, TWO BUCKS? PASS
JACK POT BANK - PLAY GAMBLING, YES PLEASE. I'LL WASTE MY YOUTH PLAYING THE SLOTS WHILE I DOWN ROOT BEER AND CANDY CIGARETTES. BUY
SURPRISE PACKAGE - IT COULD BE ANYTHING! I MIGHT GET A SUBMARINE! BUY
BOOMERANG - I ACTUALLY HAD A BOOMERANG WHEN I WAS A KID. IT NEVER CAME BACK. AT BEST IT CURVED SLIGHTLY. PASS
SMOKE BOMB - I WASN'T BIG ON THE PYROTECHNICS AT THAT AGE. PASS
SKIN HEAD WIG - WHO'S GONNA BELIEVE AN EIGHT YEAR OLD IS BALD? PASS
JOY BUZZER - ESSENTIAL EQUIPMENT FOR THE YOUNG PRANKSTER. BUY
COMPLETE POWERED DRAG RACING KIT - EVEN IN MY ADDLED MIDDLE AGED MIND I LOOK AT THIS AD AND HAVE VISIONS OF AN ACTUAL REAL HOT ROD BLAZING DOWN THE STREET. EVEN THOUGH IT'S OBVIOUSLY A COUPLE OF TOY RACE CARS AND A PLASTIC STARTING GATE AND FINISH LINE TOY CARS ARE SUPER FUN. BUY
THICK BLACK SOAP - I MEAN, SOAP MAKING YOU MORE DIRTY IS HILARIOUS IN CONCEPT BUT WHO WAS I ACTUALLY GONNA TRICK WITH THIS? MY GRANDMOTHER? THAT'S A DOUCHEY THING TO DO. PASS
MONEYMAKER - I ACTUALLY REMEMBER MY THOUGHT PROCESSES ON THIS ONE. YOU PUT IN PAPER AND OUT COMES MONEY??? I COULD BE RICH! BUT HOW DOES IT WORK? EVENTUALLY I FIGURED OUT THAT I HAD TO PROVIDE THE DOLLAR, FIVER AND TENNER THAT GOES IN THE BOX FOR THE TRICK TO WORK. IF I HAD 16 DOLLARS I'D ALREADY BE RICH. PASS
EXHAUST WHISTLE - I KNEW EARLY ON THROUGH EXTENSIVE READING OF CAR TOONS MAGAZINE THAT YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH A MAN'S CAR. PASS
SECRET BOOK SAFE - I LOVE BOOKS! I LOVE SECRETS!! I NEED THIS!!! BUY
SECRET SPY SCOPE - IF I WANTED THIS I'D BUY IT FROM THE SHADY UNGOOGLEABLE GUY AND GET A FREE RABBIT'S FOOT. PASS
X-RAY-SPECS - THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST ICONIC COMIC BOOK TRASH ITEM IN EXISTENCE. I WISH I HAD BOUGHT THIS WHEN I WAS A KID. I'D BE WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW. BUY BUY BUY
MAKE YOUR OWN "KOOKY" T-SHIRTS - ON A BASIC LEVEL, DYI T-SHIRT IRON ON TRANSFERS WAS EXTREMELY MY THING WHEN I WAS A KID BUT ALL THESE "ZANY" SLOGANS SUCK. PASS
WHOOPIE CUSHION - SEE JOY BUZZER. ESSENTIAL. BUY
TRY TO TRICK MY FRIENDS WITH NASTY GUM. I WOULD ALSO END UP CHEWING 4 OF THE STICKS MYSELF. BUY
I JUST SPENT $6.68 IN IMAGINARY 1968 MONEY ON A PILE OF TRASH. FOR THAT MONEY YOU COULD BUY A T206 HONUS WAGNER OR A COPY OF EVERY MICKEY MANTLE CARD EVER PRINTED UP TO THAT POINT
BACK COVER - NORMAN ROCKWELL WANTS YOUR DRAWINGS
I'M MORE FAMILIAR WITH THE ART INSTRUCTION SCHOOL ADS WHERE YOU DRAW TIPPY THE TURTLE AND THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES LOGO BUT THIS SCHOOL HAD NORMAL ROCKWELL STAR POWER. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN THIS AD AND ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA THE SCHOOL FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY IN 1972 WHICH MIGHT BE WHY. THIS POST HAS TAKEN FOREVER TO WRITE SO IN LIEU OF NORMAN ROCKWELL SLANDER I AM GOING TO SEARCH FOR THE FAMOUS ARTISTS ALUMNI MENTIONED IN THE AD ON THE INTERNET AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND
CARL KOCK - THIS WAS A RISKY SEARCH BUT TURNED OUT GREAT. CARL HAS DONE AD WORK AND FINE ART AND I REALLY DIG HIS STYLE
HOWARD SANDEN - JOHN HOWARD SANDEN IS A PORTRAIT ARTIST WHO HAS PAINTED A BUNCH OF FAMOUS PEOPLE INCLUDING GEORGE W. AND LAURA BUSH. WHEN YOUR STUFF IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE THAT'S PRETTY LEGIT
PAUL SULLIVAN - THERE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE MANED PAUL SULLIVAN INCLUDING THE ART DIRECTOR OF THE BOOK OF LIFE. MAYBE IT'S THIS PAUL SULLIVAN? I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW
KATHLEEN GIRONDA - DIDN'T FIND MUCH HERE, THREE OF THE TOP RESULTS WERE THIS AD. THERE IS A KATHLEEN GIRONDA ON PINTREST THAT IS SUPER INTO QUILTS
JAMES RYAN - TOUGH WHEN YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE WHO SHARES A NAME WITH AN ACTOR AND A FOOTBALLER. A SEARCH FOR ARTISTS ISN'T MUCH BETTER, THERE'S TOO MANY RYANS TO CHOOSE FROM
HELEN TRYK - SADLY THE FIRST RESULT WAS AN OBITUARY BUT IT CONFIRMS HELEN WAS AN PAINTER AND SCULPTOR.ALSO FOUND A COPYRIGHT FOR A CERAMIC FIGURINE CALLED 'FLOWER BABIES' DEPICTING A HOOFED (?!) BABY SITTING ON A STUMP. I TRIED HARD (EVEN USED BING THIS TIME) BUT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL IN FINDING A FIGURINE OF A SATYR BABY SITTING ON A STUMP
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS ADVERTISEMENT RETROSPECTIVE BECAUSE IT TOOK HOURS AND I'M NEVER DOING A POST LIKE THIS AGAIN. SOMEONE TEACH ME HOW TO BLOGS ABOUT COMIC PLEASE
I HAVE ALL THE CARDS FROM THE NON-SPORT FRANKENSET SCANNED EXCEPT FOR THE BACK OF ONE STICKER I FORGOT SOMEHOW AND YES THERE ARE STICKERS IN THIS THING TOO
THERE IS NOW NO EXCUSE FOR ME TO NOT POST ONE OF THESE EVERY SUNDAY LIKE I SAID I WOULD LIKE SIX MONTHS AGO AND I'M NOW ON POST NUMBER NINE
2004 Rittenhouse Art and Images of Xena: The Warrior Princess - Xena
IN THE EARLY AUGHTS THERE WERE A SURPRISINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF TRADING CARD SETS THAT HAD CARD STOCK TEXTURED TO LOOK LIKE CANVAS WITH ARTSY FARTSY PICTURES ON THEM. DONRUSS HAD A FEW OF THEM WHAT WITH THEIR DIAMOND KINGS AND A PLAYOFF SET WHOSE NAME ESCAPES ME AT THE MOMENT. BUT THIS IS NOT DONRUSS THIS IS RITTENHOUSE. IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH RITTENHOUSE ARCHIVES THEY'RE LIKE THE SWANKIEST NON-SPORT CARD MANUFACTURERS OUT THERE. THEIR SETS ARE DESIGNED VERY WELL, ARE USUALLY QUITE ATTRACTIVE AND HAVE BEEFY CARDSTOCK WITH A GOOD HAND FEEL. OF THE PILES OF NON-SPORTS STUFF I GOT YEARS AGO FROM A SELLER THAT WAS CLEARING OUT, THE RITTENHOUSE STUFF IS TIED WITH SOME OF THE CHROMIUM SETS FOR MY FAVORITES. THIS SET IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN: ART AND IMAGES OF XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS
I NEVER GOT TOO INTO THE HERCULES/XENA SHOWS IN THE 90S. HERCULES WAS ENTIRELY TOO SILLY AND I COULD JUST WATCH THE MST3K EPISODES WITH HERC IF I WANTED SILLY. XENA IS A GIRL AND IS A SHOW FOR GIRLS AND I COULDN'T WATCH IT BECAUSE I WAS NOT A GIRL. HOW COULD I WATCH A SHOW FOR GIRLS? THAT WAS ILLEGAL OR SOMETHING IN THE 90'S. HOLY SHIT HAVE TIMES CHANGED. I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME BRUCE CAMPBELL WAS IN THIS SHOW, I MIGHT HAVE WATCHED A FEW EPISODES. MAYBE. THAT DIDN'T GET ME TO WATCH BRISCO COUNTY JUNIOR DESPITE MY ROOMMATE'S OBSESSION WITH THE SHOW. AND I WAS STILL KINDA AFRAID OF THE EVIL DEAD BACK THEN. LIKE I SAID, TIMES CHANGE. ANYWAY, HERE'S A CARD OF A NICE PAINTING OF LUCY LAWLESS RIDING A HORSE. OR, MORE LIKELY, A PHOTO OF LUCY AND HORSE RUN THROUGH A PHOTOSHOP FILTER OF SOME SORT TO MAKE IT LOOK PAINTINGISH. THAT HAPPENED A LOT IN THE EARLY OO'S AS WELL *COUGH COUGH 2002 HERITAGE COOOUGH*
ON THE BACK WE HAVE A THIGH. A TASTEFULLY ARTISTIC THIGH BUT A GIGANTIC THIGH TAKING UP THE WHOLE CARD NONETHELESS. THIS HAPPENS SOMETIMES WITH PUZZLE CARDS AND IT SURE BEATS THE ICHIRO ANCHORS CARD FROM A FEW POSTS AGO. CAREFULLY NOTE WHICH PUZZLE CARD THIS IS. AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE FRAME THIS PUZZLE PIECE IS THE BOTTOM LEFT CORNER. ALSO NOTE THIS IS CARD NUMBER NINE. WHERE WOULD CARD NUMBER NINE GO IN A NINE-POCKET PAGE? AND WHERE WOULD THAT BE WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE BACK? SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS? PUT THIS SET UP IN A BINDER AND YOU HAVE A COMPLETE PUZZLE ON THE BACK OF EACH PAGE. I'D SHOW YOU THE WHOLE PUZZLE BUT I DON'T THINK I HAVE THE ENTIRE SET. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN ABOUT RITTENHOUSE BEING SWANKY AND HIGH-FALOOTIN' FOR A TRADING CARD COMPANY THOUGH. YA'D THINK IT WOULD BE OBVIOUS BUT IT REALLY DOES TAKE A LOT OF THOUGHT TO DESIGN A SET THIS WAY WHERE IT LOOKS GOOD FROM THE FRONT AND BACK OF THE BINDER PAGE. HOW MANY COMPANIES WOULD PUT THE BOTTOM LEFT CORNER OF THE PUZZLE ON THE BACK OF CARD NUMBER SEVEN? YOU KNOW WHICH COMPANIES I'M TALKING ABOUT, THEY'D ABSOLUTELY DO THAT. SO REMEMBER KIDS, IF YOU WANT SOME SUPER NICE NON-SPORTS SETS, THINK RITTENHOUSE. AND IF YOU WANT A SUPER-COOL CHEESY 90S BARBARIAN ACTION DRAMEDY TO WATCH, THINK XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS.
DEAL WITH IT KEVIN, LUCY LAWLESS IS WAY COOLER THAN YOU ARE
HEY EVERYBODY LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY FANTASY TEAM
NOOOOOO YOU SAY, NO ONE CARES, IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON ANYWAY, GO AWAY BOOOO
BUT THIS FANTASY LEAGUE HAS BASEBALL CARDS FOR PRIZES
WELL THAT'S OK YOU SAY, SHOW US THE CARDS
WELL ALRIGHTY THEN I SAY THINKING MAYBE I SHOULD STOP TALKING TO MYSELF AND START TYPING THE POST
LAST WINTERISH BEN FROM CARDBOARD ICONS WAS LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO JOIN A YAHOO BASEBALL FANTASY LEAGUE WITH THE CAVEAT THAT THE BUY-IN IS ONE CARD WORTH ABOUT $10-15. WINNER GETS A BUNCH OF THE CARDS, SECOND PLACE GETS SOME OF WHAT'S LEFT, THIRD PLACE GETS WHATEVER'S LEFT. I WAS ENJOYING PLAYING FANTASY BASKETBALL AT THE TIME SO I JOINED. THIS IS WHEN I LEARNED I HAVE A WHOLE CRAPLOAD OF CARDS WORTH $5 AND A SMALL AMOUNT WORTH $30 AND OVER BUT HARDLY ANYTHING IN BETWEEN. AFTER A WHILE IT WAS SETTLED I WOULD SEND THIS AS MY ANTE:
MARIANO RIVERA IN METS COLORS. HOW DO I END UP WITH SUCH WEIRD CARDS. UNANIMOUS HALL OF FAMER THO - GOTTA BE WORTH SOMETHING TO SOMEONE
LONG STORY SHORT, I HORRIBLY BUGGERED UP MY DRAFT WHEN I PANICKED AFTER MISSING OUT ON OZZIE ALBIES, RECOVERED NICELY THRU WAIVER WIRE PICKUPS, MADE A TRADE THAT WORKED OUT SHORT TERM BUT WAS USELESS BY SEPTEMBER, BLANKED OUT ON THE WAIVER WIRE WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST BUT STILL PRODUCED ENOUGH TO WIN MOST OF MY PLAYOFF ROUNDS. TODAY I GOT A PACKAGE FROM BEN WITH THIS NOTE:
THIRD PLACE FINISH! I GOT CARDS! I FELT EXACTLY LIKE THIS:
I FEEL PRETTY. LET'S SEE WHAT SWAG I GOT FOR MY BRONZE MEDAL VICTORY
THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS! AMAZINGLY NO ONE TOOK MO WHICH IS NOT SURPRISING SINCE HALF THE PRIZES WERE CARDS OF MIKE TROUT. IT MIKE TROUT A UNANIMOUS HALL OF FAMER? I THINK NOT. MO'S GOT RINGZZZZZZZ BAYBEE. SO TRADE FOR THIS CARD BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T CARE. METS COLORS, BLECH
HONESTLY I EXPECTED THIS, WHO WANTS A RELIC CARD WHEN THERE'S VARIATIONS AND AUTOS TO BE HAD. THERE WAS ONE OTHER CARD IN THE PACKAGE THOUGH AND I HAD ONE IN MIND THAT I WAS HOPING FOR
AND I GOT IT
WHAT IS LESS COVETED THAN RELIC CARDS NOWADAYS? JUNK WAX GRADED CARDS! I SAW THIS CARD ON THE LIST OF POSSIBLE PRIZES AND KNEW I HAD A SHOT AT IT IF I WON ANY PRIZE AT ALL. I MEAN, WHAT FOOL GETS AN 89 FLEER CARD GRADED? EVEN THE FUCK FACE?? THIS IS LIKE A 50 CENT CARD TOPS IN RAW CONDITION. MAYBE. WHO WOULD EVEN WANT THIS?
ME!!!!
i WANT THIS!!!!
GARY FUCKING SHEFFIELD GEM MINT ROOKIE!!!!! FUUUUUCK YEAAAAAAAH!
I STILL GOT A #11 SHIRSEY I WEAR SOMETIMES GARY SHEFFIELD KICKS ASS AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED THIS IS A MAJOR AWARD
GOT A LITTLE PILE OF ALLEN & GINTER MINIS FROM @GROGG AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PUT THEM IN THE FRANKENSET
BUT WAIT
WHAT IF THERE'S ALREADY A CARD WITH THAT NUMBER IN THE SET? THEN THEY
BATTLE
TO
THE
DEATH
LET'S HAVE SOME CARDFIGHTS, SHALL WE?
FIRST UP, WILLIE MCCOVEY BASE MINI. THESE ARE AMONG THE FIRST 2019 GINTER CARDS I'VE SEEN AND MY GOODNESS DO THESE LOOK GOOD. THE IMAGE IS HUGE AND THERE'S ACTUALLY SOME BACKGROUND INSTEAD OF WATERCOLOR BLOBS. THE DESIGN ISN'T EATING UP HALF THE CARD. LOGO IS ATTRACTIVE AND BIG BUT NOT OVERLY SO. DOES STRETCH MAKE THE FRANKENSET?
A CHALLENGER APPEARS
2006 JOHN SMOLTZ IS ALREADY IN THE SET AT CARD 53. YOU'D THINK THIS WOULD BE A SLAM DUNK FOR SMOLTZIE BUT - I BOUGHT QUITE A BIT OF 2006 GINTER AND ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF MINIS FROM THAT YEAR IN THE SET. THERE WERE TWO OTHER '06S ON THE PAGE IN FACT. THIS AIN'T JOE PANIK, THIS IS WILLIE FRIGGIN MCCOVEY. 2019 NEEDS SOME REPRESENTATION IN THE FRANKENSET AND SMOLTZ CAN GO IN A PLAYER COLLECTION
MCCOVEY WINS
NEXT UP - MARK MCGWIRE. YAAAY. AS A CARDINAL. BOOOOOOOOO. STILL BASE MINIS AND THERE AIN'T A LOT OF OPEN SLOTS IN THAT SET. WHO WILL FACE BIG MAC
2008 ADAM DUNN. I APPRECIATE THAT ADAM DUNN IS THE PATRON SAINT OF THREE TRUE OUTCOMES BUT LET'S BE HONEST, DUNN IS BASICALLY A WORSE VERSION OF MCGWIRE. PLUS REMEMBER HOW I SAID I HAVE A LOT OF 2006 CARDS IN THE SET? THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR 2008
MCGWIRE WINS
NO CLUE WHO THIS GUY IS
STILL DON'T KNOW. WILL THIS GUY MAKE THE SET WHILE SMOLTZ AND DUNN ARE SQUEEZED OUT?
LOLNOPE. I KNOW EXACTLY WHO BONNIE BERNSTEIN IS. ALSO ARE THOSE THE EXACT SAME STANDS BEHIND MCGWIRE ON ROCKS' CARD? I DON'T NEED THOSE STANDS IN THE SET TWICE.
BERNSTEIN WINS
I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO SCAN CODY ALLEN'S CARD BY ITSELF AND AM TOO LAZY TO JUST CROP THIS ONE. DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE THE OTHER CARD #215 IS JOHNNY FRIGGIN BENCH. SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE EXCESSIVE DESIGN THOUGH. POOR JOHNNY'S SQUISHED BETWEEN FLOWERY FONTS
BENCH WINS
GIANCARLO! I AM TO SWOON. I MEAN BOOOOO YANKEES BOOOOOOO. BETTER THAN THE MARLINS I GUESS. GIANCARLO IS A GINTER BACK, WILL HE BE CHALLENGED?
2008 JOHN LACKEY HAS THE MISFORTUNE TO SHARE A CARD NUMBER WITH STANTON. I MEAN, THIS AIN'T EVEN A CONTEST. GIANCARLO TAKES LACKEY DEEP
STANTON WINS
LOU BROCK! LEGENDS ABOUND IN THIS PILE OF MINIS. NOT EVEN GOING TO BOO THE CARDINALS HERE, LOU'S ONE OF MAYBE A HALF DOZEN ST. LOUIS PLAYERS THAT GETS A PASS. THIS IS ACTUALLY A GINTER BACK SHORT PRINT CARD SO SHOULDN'T BE ANY COMPETITION FOR THE FRANKENSET
UM..... CARD #389??? THERE MAY BE SOME COMPETITION BUT IS IS ONE OF THE SUPER SHORT PRINTED MINIS THAT ARE ONLY FOUND IN RIP CARDS. I HAVE NOT HEARD WHETHER THIS WAS A CONSCIOUS DECISION TOPPS MADE TO SKIP NUMBERS 301-350 IN THEIR SHORT PRINTS OR IF IT WAS YET ANOTHER OF THEIR 'PRINTER ERRORS' BUT EITHER WAY AS SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO BUILD A SET OF 1-350 (YAKNOW, LIKE EVERY OTHER DANG SET SINCE 2006) THIS IS EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING. I PUT THIS CARD IN THE EMPTY SLOT FOR CARD #339 BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I SUFFER WITH NO BROCK DUE TO TOPPS' SHENANIGANS
OPEN SLOT FILLED
BOOOOOOO NATIONALS. JEEZ PLAYOFF SEASON MAKES ME HOSTILE. THIS OBVIOUSLY IS A BLACK BORDER PARALLEL AND YOU CAN SEE BELOW THERE AIN'T NO COMPETITION FOR THE FRANKENSET BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BLACK BORDER CARDS. I MUST SAY I DO PREFER THE NEW STYLE BLACK BORDER PARALLELS THAT LOOK LIKE SUPER ELABORATE WROUGHT-IRON DECORATIVE FENCES OVER THE OLD SOLID BLACK BORDERS. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT BRIAN DOZIER. OH- I PICKED UP DOZIER IN MY FANTASY TEAM FOR LIKE A WEEK BUT HE SUCKED SO HE ENDED UP GETTING REPLACED BY CESAR HERNANDEZ. I TOLD YOU I HAD NOTHING TO SAY. YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN PEOPLE DISCUSSING THEIR FANTASY LEAGUE TEAMS? THIS CARD:
I NORMALLY LOVE LOVE LOVE GINTER MINI INSERTS. SO MANY COOL SUBJECTS! THIS ONE HOWEVER... @GROGG ACTUALLY WARNED ME ABOUT IT TOO BUT I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE IT. IT'S SO MUCH WORSE IN PERSON. DAMMIT, ENGLAND WHY
THANKS TO @GROGG FOR ADDING A LITTLE MORE FUN TO THE FRANKENSET
