ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CARDMAS

SO I WAS LOOKING UP THE SONG LYRICS BECAUSE I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHICH ROTTEN BIRD WAS SCHEDULED FOR TODAY AND I STUMBLED ACROSS THIS

SO... UM, YEAH
FUCK CHRISTMAS THIS IS CARDMAS AND IT HAS TO BE THE TWELVE DAYS PRECEDING THE DAY WITH THE PRESENTS SO WE CAN ALL GO OUT AND BLOW ALL OUR CASH ON BASEBALL CARD PACKS, THE ORIGINAL LATE STAGE CAPITALIST SKINNER BOX DESIGNED TO TRANSFER THE WEALTH OF LITTLE KIDS STRAIGHT TO FAT CATS' BLOATED POCKETS. SUCK IT LOOT BOXES, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET LEGISLATED OUT OF EXISTENCE WHILE 2019 TOPPS OFFERS US 47 PARALLELS AND A 1:1352798234928 CHANCE AT AN AUTOGRAPH OR SOMETHING

IN THIS SPIRIT OF UNBRIDLED GREED I OFFER YOU A LEGIT HIGH-END-MOJO-PACK

2002 UPPER DECK SWEET SPOT

YEAH I KNOW HIGH END NOWADAYS IS TWO CARDS INSIDE A LOCKED PLASTIC BRIEFCASE WHERE ONE IS A SERIAL NUMBERED PARALLEL OF A SUBSET WITH A PLAIN WHITE SWATCH OF AN EVENT-WORN JERSEY EVEN THOUGH THE SELL SHEET SAYS IT'S A PATCH AND THE OTHER A PSA-ENCASED ON-CARD AUTOGRAPH OF AN MLB-APPROVED ROOKIE WHO WILL END UP SELLING INSURANCE BY 2023 ALL FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF THREE GRAND (cheap!), BUT BACK IN 2002 SWEET SPOT WAS THE SHIZNIT. LET'S OPEN THIS BEEYOTCH UP AND SEE IF WE HIT ONE OF THOSE COOL AUTOGRAPHS ON BASEBALL LEATHER THAT COMPLETELY FADED OUT OF EXISTENCE AFTER A FEW YEARS BECAUSE THE UPPER DECK INTERN BOUGHT CHEAP PENS

HA! BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING CLOUDS MOTHERFUCKER! IMAGINE SEEING THE RED CAMEO ON WOOD GRAIN MOTIF OF THE WRAPPER, SLAMMING DOWN YOUR CASH, RIPPING THE PACK OPEN RIGHT THERE AT THE COUNTER AND BAM LITTLE FLUFFY CLOUDS LIKE THE ORB. SHIT WAS DIFFERENT IN 2002. HERE WE HAVE A CLAUSTROPHOBIC JIM THOME SQUISHED IN A FRAME OF SKY WHILE HOLOGRAPHIC FOIL HIGHLIGHTS SERIOUSLY DISRESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE. POSITION AND GIGANTIC JERSEY NUMBER SLAPPED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAYER PHOTO? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR 1995 FLEER SLANDER ON THIS WEBSITE EVER AGAIN

IF I SHOULD EVER DIE, GOD FORBID, I HOPE YOU WILL SAY 'CHIEF WAHOO IS IN HEAVEN NOW' THAT'S MY FAVORITE JOKE

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THE FACT THAT THE CLOUDS ON THE BACK DON'T MATCH UP WITH THE CLOUDS ON THE FRONT FILLS ME WITH RAGE AND DISAPPOINTMENT. I PAID TEN 2002 DOLLARS FOR THIS???

JASON GIAMBI REFUSES TO BE PENNED IN AND JUST STOMPS ALL OVER THE CLOUDS LIKE A STORM GIANT. SADLY ONE YEAR TOO LATE TO GET A'S MVP GIAMBI, WE'RE STUCK WITH THOSE DAMNED PINSTRIPES. AT LEAST THIS CARD HAS AN ACTION SHOT INSTEAD OF ONE OF TOPPS' HEAVILY AIRBRUSHED NIGHTMARE PORTRAITS. GO LOOK UP SOME OF HIS CARDS FROM 2002 LIKE TOPPS HERITAGE OR TOPPS-206. COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL TO A DUDE WITH 440 HOME RUNS IN A 20 YEAR CAREER.

AWW YEAH BERNIE 2020. BERNIE WILLIAMS IS SO COOL I'M GONNA LAY OFF THE YANKEE HATE FOR AT LEAST A PARAGRAPH. I'LL COMMENT ON JUST HOW BIZARRE THIS DESIGN IS INSTEAD. EVEN DISCOUNTING THE FOIL - THE PLACEMENT OF THE LOGOS ARE MILES WORSE THAN 2008 TOPPS COULD EVER HOPE TO BE - THE WHOLE THING IS JUST FUCKIN' WEIRD. OK, THE CLOUDS ARE NICE. KINDA SOOTHING AND THE PLAYER NAME AT THE TOP IS INTERESTING ALTHOUGH NOT FOR EVERYONE. BUT WHY IS BERNIE GLOWING? WHY'D THEY DO A DROP SHADOW IN THE BACKGROUND? IS THAT THE ACTUAL BACKGROUND OF THE PHOTO AND IF NOT WHY DID THEY CHOOSE A BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE BEHIND A RAILING? AM I JUST TOO UNCOUTH TO UNDERSTAND HOW BRILLIANT THIS DESIGN  IS OR IS IT REALLY JUST TOO MUCH CRAP SHOVED TOGETHER? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW

!!!!!MOJO!!!!!

SWEET SPOT SWATCH OF A PUNTER. THERE'S THE BIG FUCKIN' HIT. A WHITE PIECE OF LAUNDRY WITH A NON-YANKEE PINSTRIPE HALF COVERED BY THE DIE CUT FLAP. OR DID ERSTAD PLAY FOR THE YANKEES? HELL EVERYONE PLAYED FOR THE YANKEES IN THE AUGHTS, WHY NOT DARIN. TO ASSUAGE THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF GETTING A CRUMMY RELIC CARD INSTEAD OF THE COOL ON-LEATHER AUTOGRAPH THERE ARE FAKE BASEBALL STITCHES INCORPORATED INTO THE DESIGN SO YOU CAN PRETEND YOU DIDN'T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON A RELIC THAT WAS WORTH 2 BUCKS IN 2002 AND IS NOW WORTH THE AMOUNT OF HEAT IT WILL GENERATE ON THE MAKESHIFT FIRE YOU BUILT TO STAY ALIVE THROUGH THE WINTER AFTER THE POWER COMPANY TURNED OFF THE HEAT BECAUSE YOU SPENT YOUR RETIREMENT MONEY ON HIGH-END BASEBALL PRODUCTS.

DON'T FORGET THE OBLIGATORY SUPER THICK DUMMY CARD THEY HAD TO PUT IN TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM INSTANTLY SNAGGING THE GOOD PACKS BECAUSE THE AUTOGRAPHS WERE THICKER THAN ALL THE OTHER CARDS IN THE PACK PUT TOGETHER

THIS FUCKER WILL BURN FOR A LONG TIME!

TIL TOMORROW MY CALL CENTER CHICKADEES