FESTIVE HALLOWEEN CRAP

 HAPPY HALLOWEEN! OCTOBER IS OVER AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR SPOOKY CHRISTMAS WITH MONSTERS AND CANDY AND LOW BUDGET MOVIES WITH FAKE BLOOD OOZING EVERYWHERE. OH HOW I LOVE THIS SCARY HOLIDAY SEASON. THIS SEASON DOES NOT LOVE ME HOWEVER AS I HAVE HAD MAYBE MY LOUSIEST MONTH SINCE MARCH 2009. HOO BOY HAVE THE TERRIBLE THINGS JUST KEEPED ON HAPPENING THIS MONTH. I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE THINGS FOR THE PAST WEEK INCLUDING YESTERDAY AKA MY DAY OFF AKA THE DAY I USUALLY GET TO RELAX AND WRITE UP SOME BLOG POSTS. SO UH, THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST BLOG POST FOR A FEW DAYS

WHILE I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF CLEANING UP OCTOBER'S MESS YESTERDAY I DECIDED TO HOP INTO TARGET TO GET MYSELF A LITTLE TREAT. THE MAIN REASON I WAS IN TARGET IS I HAD TO STOP SOMEWHERE TO PEE BECAUSE I HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ALMOST TWO HOURS, BUT THE TREAT BIT WAS WHY I CHOSE TARGET. AS YOU ALL KNOW TARGET HAS A TRADING CARD AISLE! THIS TARGET'S CARD AISLE WAS WAY IN THE BACK BEHIND THE TOYS BECAUSE THEY MOVED IT BACK THERE TO CONFUSE THE RABID PACKS OF VERMINOUS FLIPPERS THAT INFESTED CARD AISLES IN 2020. I LOOKED AT THE CARDS AND SAW A 2023 FACTORY SET WITH A BONUS RELIC OR AUTOGRAPH CARD FOR SEVENTY BUCKS! I DIDN'T HAVE SEVENTY BUCKS. I SAW AN ALLEN & GINTER BLASTER FOR TWENTY FIVE BUCKS! I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SPENDING THAT FOR 48 CARDS. I SAW A 2023 TOPPS UPDATE HANGER FOR TWELVE BUCKS! TOPPS DROPPED THE NUMBER OF CARDS TO 59 AND I JUST WASN'T FEELING IT. THERE WAS A PACK OF CHRONCLES! FOOTBALL. DRAFT PICKS. I LOOKED NEXT TO THE CARD AISLE WHERE ALL THE BLIND BAGS AND FUNKO POPS LIVE AND FOUND THIS:

A NECO SCI-FI AND HORROR BLIND BAG. OVER TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS WORTH OF TOYS AND COLLECTIBLES FOR ONLY $9.99! PACKED WITH SCARY COLLECTIBLES! AND BY SCARY COLLECTIBLES THEY MEAN CRAP THAT DIDN'T SELL OR WERE GOING TO BE IN A LOOT CRATE BEFORE THEY WENT BANKRUPT. THERE ARE TONS OF VIDEOS ONLINE WITH PEOPLE OPENING THESE BLIND BAGS AND IT SEEMS THEY ARE USUALLY FILLED WITH TWO TO FOUR TCHOTCHKES FOR YOUR TEN BUCKS. THIS PARTICULAR BAG FELT PRETTY HEFTY AND I WEIGHED IT AGAINST A SKINNY HANGER OF UPDATE. HONESTLY IF IT WAS SEPTEMBER OR NOVEMBER, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE GONE WITH UPDATE. BUT NO! IT WAS SPOOKY CHRISTMAS EVE! MY TREAT WOULD BE A HALLOWEEN TREAT. ALSO I COULD GET THIS AND A DRINK FOR THE PRICE OF A HANGER. I DREAM OF SOME CLASSIC MONSTERS OR MAYBE SOME 80S HORROR ICONS. LET'S SEE WHAT SCARY DELIGHTS AWAIT US!

THIS... IS NOT SCARY. THIS IS A MATCHBOX CAR WITH A BLADE RUNNER LICENSE. IT LOOKS VERY PLASTIC COMPARED TO ACTUAL MATCHBOX CARS AND I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE SO I DON'T KNOW HOW ACCURATE THE THREE WHEELER CAR IS. IT'S FINE AS A START BUT TOY CARS AREN'T MY THING AND THIS SEEMS LIKE IT IS FIRMLY IN THE 'COLLECTIBLE' CATEGORY. IF YOU WANT A CAR TO PLAY WITH, TARGET HAS A TON OF BETTER ONES FOR $1.19 EACH. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THEM MATCHBOX CARS INSTEAD OF HOT WHEELS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET

THE BACK HAS A PICTURE OF THE TOY AND A FILM SUMMARY THAT WOULD NORMALLY BE SEEN ON THE BACK OF AN EIGHT FILMS IN ONE DVD BOX SET YOU FIND IN THE FIVE DOLLAR BIN AT WAL-MART. I'M SURE SOMEONE OUT THERE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS AT HOW COOL THIS IS BUT I'M PRETTY MEH ON THIS ONE, SORRY! THE NEXT THING IS WAY BETTER

MAD BALLS! HELL YEAH! I HAD ONE WHEN I WAS A KID. I ASKED FOR THE BASEBALL DUDE AND I GOT THE ONE WITH THE EYEBALL DRIPPING OUT THAT LEGIT SCARED ME AND MADE ME UPSET INSTEAD. WONDERFUL CHILDHOOD MEMORIES! I REMEMBER WHEN THESE REBOOTED VERSIONS WERE FIRST ANNOUNCED I WAS SUPER EXCITED AND THEN WHEN I ACTUALLY SAW ONE IN A STORE I DECIDED I LIKED MY MONEY A LITTLE BETTER. NOW, YEARS LATER MY DREAM IS FINALLY REALIZED THROUGH THE MAGIC OF RANDOM CRAP

THE BACK IS KINDA FUNNY IN ITS INSISTANCE THAT THIS IS NOT A TOY. FOR AGES 15 AND UP ONLY.  RARE COLLECTIBLE! DO NOT PLAY. BULLSHIT. IT'S A BALL, I'M ABSOLUTELY GOING TO PLAY WITH IT. THE LAYWERS PROBABLY HAD THEM PUT THIS ON THERE DUE TO IT BEING MADE WITH LEAD PAINT AND ASBESTOS OR SOMETHING. JUST KIDDING! I THINK. THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST MADE FROM THE SOULS OF SAD ORPHANS AND OTHER SUCH INNOCUOUS SUBSTANCES. NO ONE WANTS THEIR KID TO TAKE A HEALTHY BITE OF ORPHAN SOUL WHEN THEY GET INTO THE SHELF OF RARE COLLECTIBLES. THERE'S A CHECKLIST OF ALL THE MAD BALLS TO COLLECT ON THE BACK AND I THINK THEY ARE ALL ORIGINAL 80S DESIGNS:

SLOBULUS - THAT DUDE WITH THE DRIPPY EYEBALL THAT GROSSED ME OUT SO MUCH WHEN I WAS A KID. SERIOUSLY, DANGLING EYEBALLS ARE ONE OF THE THINGS THAT SQUICK ME OUT THE MOST AND THAT'S THE MAD BALL MY FAMILY PICKS OUT FOR CHRISTMAS. THIS WOULD BE THE FUNNIEST ONE FOR ME TO GET

OCULUS ORBUS - IT'S... JUST AN EYEBALL. I MEAN, EYEBALLS ARE SCARY, I JUST WENT OFF ON HOW ONE POPPING OUT A PLASTIC MONSTER'S HEAD RUINED MY CHILDHOOD BUT IT'S JUST AN EYEBALL

SCREAMIN' MEEMIE - THE OBJECT OF MY YOUNG HEART'S DESIRE. NOWADAYS IT JUST LOOKS GOOFY BUT I WAS ALWAYS MORE OF A COMEDY KID THAN A MONSTER KID IF WE'RE BEING HONEST ABOUT IT. JUST LIKE MY PARENTS, I NEVER SAW THIS ONE IN THE SHOPS. BASEBALL MUST BE A LOT MORE POPULAR THAN WE KNOW

HORN HEAD - THIS WAS NOT AT ALL ON MY RADAR AS A KID BUT LOOKING AT IT NOW IT'S KINDA BADASS. HELL YEAH EVIL CYCLOPS BALL. I WANT THIS ONE MORE THAN SCREAMIN' MEEMIE

DUST BRAIN - MUMMIES WERE NEVER MY FAVORITE MONSTER AND THIS ONE LOOKS A LITTLE WEAK. NOT A TOP-TIER MAD BALL IN MY OPINION. APOLOGIES IF THIS WAS YOUR GREATEST CHILDHOOD TREASURE

SKULL FACE - SKULL FACE IS DEFINITELY TOP-TIER THOUGH. DEM RED EYES PEEPING OUT AT YOU AND THE LITTLE BIT OF BRAIN LEAKING OUT THE BACK IS GNARLY. EXTREMELY SINISTER, ESPECIALLY WITH THAT GRIN. THIS IS ANOTHER ONE I WOULDN'T MIND GETTING

LOCK LIPS - I REMEMBER THIS ONE FREAKING ME OUT A BIT AS WELL WHEN I WAS A KID. I DIDN'T LIKE THE METAL PLATES ATTACHED TO THIS DUDE'S FACE. IT JUST SEEMED KINDA AWFUL. ALSO AN ODD PUN FOR A KIDS' TOY, WHAT WERE THOSE AMERICAN GREETINGS GUYS THINKING

FREAKY FULLBACK - THEY NEEDED TO HAMMER HOME THAT THESE WERE TOYS FOR BOYS SO THEY INCLUDED BOTH SPORTS. I WAS NEVER SUPER INTERESTED IN THIS ONE. PLUS: MOAR EYE TRAUMA

SWINE SUCKER - THE ANIMAL KINGDOM IS REPRESENTED BY THIS PIGGY FELLOW. IT'S COOL LOOKING BUT I WOULD PREFER IT WITHOUT ALL THE SNOT. 80'S GROSS-OUT HUMOR FOR KIDS DEMANDS SNOTS THOUGH SO I GUESS IT HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE

ALL RIGHTY! LET'S SEE WHO I GOT!

LOCK LIPS! THIS LITTLE DUDE IS REALLY DETAILED AND ISN'T AS UNNERVING AS I THOUGHT SINCE IT'S EXTREMELY OBVIOUS THAT HE'S A FRANKENSTEIN OF SOME SORT. IT'S OK FOR FRANKENSTEINS TO HAVE BOLTS AND OTHER ASSORTED HARDWARE ON THEIR HEADS. I'M SUPER HAPPY WITH THIS AND THE BLINDBAG WOULD BE WORTH IT TO ME IF IT WAS THE ONLY THING IN IT. WHICH IS A GOOD THING BECAUSE...

ACTUAL TRASH. THIS IS A CHEAP PLASTIC FIVE NIGHT'S AT FREDDY'S TOP HAT ACCESSORY FOR I ASSUME A LARGE PLUSH FREDDY FAZBEAR THAT GOT SQUASHED IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG AND IS NOW CRACKED IN LIKE FIVE PLACES. OR MAYBE YOU CAN WEAR THE HAT YOURSELF? YOU'D LOOK PRETTY DUMB WEARING THIS TINY HAT UNLESS YOU WERE A VERY SMALL CHILD WHICH, COME TO THINK OF IT, IS REALLY THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S. IT IS DEFINITELY HORROR THOUGH BUT NECA SHOULD HAVE SENT THIS TO A DOLLAR TREE INSTEAD OF LITERALLY BREAKING IT TO FIT INSIDE A BLIND BAG. THIS ALMOST WENT STRAIGHT INTO THE GARBAGE BEFORE I REALIZED

FANCY LOCK LIPS

AWW MAN, DOESN'T HE LOOK CLASSY! I COULD SEE HIM SINGING PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ IF HE COULD JUST OPEN HIS MOUTH. LOOKING AT VIDEOS OF OTHER BLIND BAG RIPS THERE ARE A FEW COOL THINGS THAT CAN BE FOUND IN THEM LIKE A LEATHERFACE PLUSHIE, A GODZILLA CORD GRABBER AND AN EVIL DEAD MINI DISPLAY. BUT THERE IS A LOTTA CRAP TOO AS YOU CAN SEE HERE. I DUNNO ABOUT A TWENTY FIVE DOLLAR VALUE BUT I CERTAINLY GOT MY TEN BUCKS' WORTH AND AM VERY HAPPY WITH MY DISGUSTING LITTLE MAD BALL FRIEND. HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE! MAY YOU ALL FIND A FRIEND TODAY!