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Sunday, May 26, 2019

NON-SPORT FRANKENSET - CARD #3

GEORGIA JUST TRANSITIONED FROM "HUH IT'S A LITTLE CHILLY FOR MAY" TO "OVEN LEFT ON BROIL FOR THREE DAYS" SO HI SUMMER, GUESS YOU'RE HERE TIL NOVEMBER NOW. I KINDA JUST WANT TO GO INTO A DARK ROOM WITH 14 FANS AND WATCH A JACKIE CHAN MOVIE BUT NO! TYPING UP BLOGS LIKE A GOOD CONTENT CREATOR. FIGURED OUT AN ANGLE FOR TODAY'S FRANKENSET CARD SO

HERE

WE

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

3- 2003 WIZARDS OF THE COAST THE SIMPSONS TCG - KRUSTY FOIL


[ONOMOTOPEIA OF KRUSTY'S LAUGH] IT'S KRUSTY THE CLOWN IN HOLOGRAPHIC FOIL! AH, THE EARLY 2000S, WHEN EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING WANTED A HIT TRADING CARD GAME SO THEY COULD PRINT MONEY LIKE THE MAGIC: AND POKEMON PEOPLE. EVERY LICENSED PROPERTY GAVE IT A GO. EVEN SPORTS CARDS GAVE IT A SHOT. EVERYTHING FLOPPED. EXCEPT YU-GI-OH. THOSE CARDS ARE EVERYWHERE. THE SIMPSONS GAVE IT A TRY WITH A CARD GAME THAT WAS MORE ABOUT WORDS THAN NUMBERS. IT DIDN'T OUTLAST THE SHOW, THAT'S FOR SURE. BUT KRUSTY IS SOOOOOO SHIIIIIINY


FULL DISCLOSURE - I HAVE NEVER PLAYED THIS GAME, DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY THIS GAME, WILL NEVER PLAY THIS GAME, AND THE ONLY REASON I HAVE THIS CARD IS BECAUSE THE PRODUCT FLOPPED AND THE PACKS ENDED UP IN TARGET'S 99 CENT CLEARANCE NON-SPORT PACK BIN AND I PICKED UP A HANDFUL BACK WHEN I COULD WASTE MONEY WITHOUT ANGUISH AND GUILT. THIS CARD IS IN THIS SET BECAUSE IN THAT SMALL PILE OF PACKS I GOT THIS FOIL KRUSTY THREE TIMES. THREE. THREE FOIL KRUSTYS. I'M GUESSING THE HOLOFOILS ARE THE PREMIUM CARDS LISTED ON THE PACKS AND THEY ARE SUPPOSEDLY 1:33 PACKS AND I GOT THREEEEEEE. HOW. I NEVER GOT ANY MORE PACKS BECAUSE THE PLAIN CARD COLLATION WAS EQUALLY ABYSMAL. YEARS LATER I FOUND A STARTER DECK AT A FLEA MARKET AND LOOKED AT IT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND NOW IT'S IN A BOX SOMEWHERE.

NEVERTHELESS, I LIKE GAMES AND FIGURING OUT HOW THEY WORK AND I THINK I FIGURED OUT THE BASIC GIST OF IT FROM THE RANDOM CARDS I'VE PICKED UP:

FIRST BUILD A DECK. OR BUY ONE. AND ADD CARDS FROM THE BOOSTERS. THEN FIND 1-4 MORE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALSO DONE THIS. THIS IS THE PART WHERE MOST PEOPLE GIVE UP

NOW EVERYBODY SHUFFLES THEIR DECKS AND DEALS THEMSELVES A HAND. PRETTY SURE THIS IS MANDATORY IN MOST CARD GAMES

OK NOW THERE'S THESE THINGS CALLED SCENE CARDS. THESE ARE KIND OF LIKE THE LOCATION CARDS IN THE OLD-SCHOOL STAR WARS CCG. MAYBE TWO OF YOU AT MOST KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. PLAY ONE OF THESE CARDS

NOW YOU HAVE TO PLAY YOUR CHARACTER CARDS. THESE ARE LIKE THE CHARACTER CARDS IN THE OLD-SCHOOL STAR WARS CCG EXCEPT NONE OF THEM ARE JEDIS EXCEPT MAYBE BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY. INSTEAD OF NUMBERS TO KILL PEOPLE THERE ARE DESCRIPTIVE WORDS ON THE CARDS. THE MIGHTY WORD IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE FAKE LASER SWORD. PLAY THE CARD WITH THE RIGHT WORD TO THE SCENE TO GET POINTS

OH HO HO! THE JERKS YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME WITH HAVE ACTION CARDS! THESE ARE CARDS THAT ALLOW PLAYERS TO SCREW OVER OTHER PLAYERS. THESE ARE LIKE THE DRAW 4 CARDS IN THE OLD-SCHOOL STAR WARS UNO DECK. I DON'T KNOW HOW THESE WORK IN THE SIMPSONS GAME BUT THEY ARE THERE AND ARE MOST LIKELY MEANT TO AGGRAVATE

UM, ONCE YOU PLAY ENOUGH CARDS AND GET ENOUGH POINTS YOU WIN? I GUESS. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WIN THIS GAME. BOARDGAMEGEEK SAYS THE GAMES LAST 20 MINUTES SO YOU GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW. I MEAN YOU HAVE TO RIGHT

AFTER 20 MINUTES, FLIP THE TABLE, MAKE SOME POPCORN AND GO WATCH YOUR SEASON 8 DVDS

SO I'VE NEVER PLAYED THE GAME, I HAVEN'T WATCHED THE SHOW IN 10 YEARS AND I HAVE NO STRONG FEELINGS TOWARDS KRUSTY OTHER THAN I AM A FILTHY MAGPIE WHO IS HYPNOTIZED BY THE SHINY THINGS WHICH IS WHY THIS CARD IS IN THE FRANKENSET. HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT IN THIS POST AND AM FRANKLY SHOCKED I GOT SO MANY WORDS OUT OF TRYING TO BULLSHIT THE RULES. SO I WAS SKEERED TO WRITE THIS POST UNTIL I HAD AN EPIPHANY AND REALIZED MY EASY OUT

THE SACRED REFUGE OF TRADING CARD BLOGGERS

PACK!

RIP!

POOOOOOOOOOOST!!!


HERE'S OUR KRUSTY BOI RIGHT ON THE PACK, BEGGING FOR YOUR MONEY. THE 11 RANDOM GAME CARDS ARE PRETTY DANG CONSISTENTLY FOUR CHARACTER CARDS, THREE SCENE CARDS, THREE ACTION CARDS AND ONE RARE. NO UNCOMMONS, TEN COMMONS AND ONE RARE. PACK DESIGN IS ATTRACTIVE I HAVE TO ADMIT, EVEN WITH HIDEOUS SIMPSONS FACES ALL OVER THEM


THERE'S THAT 99 CENT STICKER, HOW I MISS IT. HAVEN'T SEEN THE CLEARANCE JUNK PACKS IN YEARS, I GUESS THE DREGS ARE ALL SHIPPED OFF TO THE REPACK JUNK BOX MAKERS NOW. NO IDEA WHY THE FLAMING MOE REFERENCE IS ON THE BACK. I GUESS ALCOHOLISM SELLS TCGS. THAT WEBSITE IS STILL UP, SORT OF. ENOUGH WITH THE PACKAGING, ON WITH THE CARDS


AM WAY LATE ON THE APU JOKES SO NOT GOING THERE. AS AN OCCASIONAL FLIP-PAST-TELEMUNDO-AT-ODD-HOURS PERSON I APPRECIATED THE GAG BACK IN THE DAY. ACCORDING TO THE SIMPSONS WIKI THIS GUY IS BELGIAN, AND A FURRY. THIS IS THE LAST TIME I SHALL BE CHECKING THE BACKSTORIES OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS POST FOR MY SANITY'S SAKE

NOTICE: NO NUMBERS EXCEPT THE CARD NUMBER. THIS CONFUSED ME GREATLY  WHEN I FIRST OPENED THE PACK BECAUSE CCGS ARE USUALLY VERY MATH ORIENTED. WAS ALSO UPSET BY THE TERMS FAT AND ODDBALL USED AGAINST POOR MR. BEE ESPECIALLY WHEN I REALIZED THOSE WOULD ALMOST CERTAINLY BE ON MY CARD AS WELL



I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF THIS GUY WHICH IS PROBABLY GOOD BECAUSE BEING FORGETTABLE SEEMS TO BE HIS ENTIRE CHARACTER? THREE NEW WORDS FOR GIL, OUR SIMPSONS VOCABULARY IS GROWING


GOOD OL' LUNCHLADY DORIS FROM BACK WHEN THE SHOW WAS ABOUT BART AND THERE WERE EPISODES ABOUT SCHOOL INSTEAD OF HOMER FUCKING UP SOMETHING CATASTROPHICALLY EVERY WEEK.

LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING PRETTY WELL IF I WANT A KILLER BITTER FAT DECK. HASHSLINGER SEEMS LIKE AN EXTREMELY SPECIFIC DESCRIPTION FOR A GAME WITH ONLY 156 CARDS


BACK WHEN I WATCHED REGULARLY I REMEMBER I HAD A DEFINITE PREFERENCE FOR ONE OF MARGE'S SISTERS BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH ONE AND I'M NOT LOOKING IT UP. IT'S PROBABLY SELMA BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER THE OTHER ONE'S NAME. AND BY PREFERENCE I MEAN I THOUGHT ONE WAS COOL IN HER GROUCHINESS AND THE OTHER ONE WAS JUST A BORING GRUMP. Y'ALL ARE GOING TO POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA HURTFUL MAY-MAYS SAYING SELMA IS MAH WAIFU ANYWAY SO I'M NOT SURE WHY I CLARIFIED THAT

FUCK IT I LOOKED IT UP. PATTY IS THE OTHER ONE, HOW'D I FORGET THAT. WAIT, PATTY IS A LESBIAN? WELL SHIT, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SHOW DO I. LUNCHLADY DORIS IS THE COOL ONE


OH LOOK! A SCEEEEEENE. THESE HAVE NUMBERS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COMPLETE AND TRASH IS. YOU GET TO DRAW THREE CARDS EITHER WAY. I CAN COMPLETE THE FAT-FAMILY-IDIOT SCENE WITH CARDS FROM THIS PACK WHICH IS COOL. NOT SO COOL THAT I'M IN THE SCENE. I WANT THE GIRL TOY YOU JACKASS! TAKE BACK THESE TRANSFORMERS


CAN COMPLETE THE IDIOT-CELEBRITY SCENE AS WELL. THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE HUMOROUS REFERENCES ON THIS CARD THAT I'LL BET NO ONE UNDER SAY, TWENTY-FIVE UNDERSTANDS IN THE SLIGHTEST. I'LL BET THAT THEY LOOK AT THAT PIE RESIDUE AND HAVE BAD THOUGHTS


AM I INSANE OR DID WEIRD AL YANKOVIC DO A SONG ABOUT THIS EPISODE. OR BOTH. CAN'T COMPLETE THIS SCENE WHICH IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST


WE'VE REACHED THE ACTION CARDS.EGGHEAD JACKANAPE NE'ER-DO-WELL IS A GOOD DESCRIPTION FOR ME, I GUESS I HAVE TO BE DISCARDED NOW


TALKING HEADS REFERENCE ON A LISA CARD SEEMS APPROPRIATE. RECLAIMING A CARD OUT OF THE DISCARD PILE IS A BASIC CCG PLAY MECHANIC SO LISA'S PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT THE VALUE OF THIS CARD


NOW THIS CARD IS HELLA COOL THOUGH. NOT THE PLAY MECHANIC, JUST THE ON-PURPOSE EFFED UP CARD ART. PROFESSIONAL PRINTER TWITTER WOULD PROBABLY GET A KICK OUT OF THIS ONE. NOTE THAT ALL THE ICONS NEXT TO THE CARD NUMBER SO FAR ARE CIRCLES. DON'T RECALL SEEING ANOTHER CCG SET WITH ALL COMMONS, NO UNCOMMONS. THIS ALSO CONFUSED ME AND IS PROBABLY A REASON I GAVE UP ON THE GAME AFTER THESE PACKS. KIND OF A SHAME SINCE THE GAME I MADE UP IN MY HEAD SEEMS PRETTY FUN

OK KIDS! RARE TIEM!!!


AYYY HANK SCORPIO
I LOVED THIS EPISODE
CAPITALIST AS BOND VILLAIN HA HA HOW QUAINT MATT GROENING

MY GOD WHAT WE'D DO FOR EVEN ONE CAPITALIST AS KIND AND UNDERSTANDING AS HANK RIGHT NOW

WOULD LOVE IT IF BILLIONAIRE ASSHOLES WOULD JUST MURDER SECRET AGENTS AND TAKE OVER THE EAST COAST INSTEAD OF RAISING THE PRICE OF LIFE-SAVING DRUGS AND PROFITING HANDSOMELY FROM FASCIST PROPAGANDA ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND DESPERATELY ATTEMPTING TO DIG UP ALL THE OIL IN THE WORLD BEFORE CIVILIZATION COLLAPSES

JESUS THE 90S WERE SO INNOCENT AND DUMB

OK FINE THE EPISODE WAS WRITTEN BY JOHN SWARTZWELDER NOT MATT GROENING. NOW YOU TROLLISH COMMENTATORS WILL HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO FLAME ME ABOUT. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ASSHOLES, THERE'S NOTHING REMOTELY CONTROVERSIAL IN THIS POST

AND THAT'S THE POST! I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT IT AND NOW IT'S DONE, YAY!

THE NEXT POST I FOR REALS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT IT SO I'LL PROBABLY DRINK A LOT AND TAP OUT SOME WORD SALAD

TILL THEN, MY BELOVED JERKS

2 comments:

Twitch said...

Wow, that post... was a thrill ride from start-to-finish! I am legit winded.

Fuji said...

The character cards and shiny foils have always attracted me to CCG games. I'll still pick up the occasional Pokemon, SW, or Harry Potter CCG card. And that Krusty is fantastic! Congratulations on pulling three!