I have no idea how to create pages but I'll figure it out eventually godammit

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

2019 PROCRASTINATION POST - FREE WILLIE

Y'ALL GONNA BE MAD AT ME FOR HOLDING OUT SO LONG WITH THIS ONE

ALSO HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS GODDAMN ROTTEN YEAR JIMINY CHRISTMAS

I AM A TWITTER ADDICT BUT I MOSTLY USE IT TO BULLSHIT ABOUT NONSENSE, RETWEET SHITPOSTS AND KEEP UP WITH SOME NEWS SO I CAN MAINTAIN A CONSTANT LEVEL OF ANXIETY AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD AT ALL TIMES. THERE ARE MANY OTHER USES FOR TWITTER SUCH AS PROMOTING YOUR WORK, OFFERING UP STUFF FOR SALE, UNDERMINING DEMOCRACY AND PROMOTING FASCISM, AND RETWEETING EVERY SINGLE CONTEST OFFER ON TWITTER IN AN ATTEMPT TO MOOCH FREE SHIT. I AM ALL FOR MOOCHING BUT I USUALLY DON'T ENTER TWITTER CONTESTS UNLESS IT'S JUST A SIMPLE FOLLOW/RETWEET AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT I WOULD HONESTLY REALLY REALLY WANT. YOU'D BE SURPRISED THE HOOPS SOME PEOPLE WANT YOU TO JUMP THROUGH. LIKE, RETWEET, FOLLOW THIS ACCOUNT, FOLLOW ANOTHER ACCOUNT, CLICK ON THIS LINK, COMMENT ON MY PINNED POST, REGISTER AS A LIBERTARIAN FOR THE UPCOMING PRIMARIES, NO DON'T VOTE FOR VERMIN SUPREME WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAT DARK SOULS USING A GUITAR HERO CONTROLLER, QUOTE TWEET WITH YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER YOUR MOTHER'S FIRST PET AND YOUR CAT'S FAVORITE SPICE GIRL, EAT SOME VEGETABLES, GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. THIS BEING SAID I ENTERED A CONTEST THAT WAS A SIMPLE RETWEET FOR SOMETHING I LIKED A LOT

1956 TOPPS WILLIE MAYS BVG 10
I WON A MAJOR AWARD! GOT THIS PERFECT WILLIE MAYS CARD FROM A CONTEST @card_mosaics HELD ON TWITTER. BEN IS AN ARTIST WHO CREATES MOSAICS FROM CUT UP BASEBALL CARDS. HIS ARTWORK IS VERY IMPRESSIVE ESPECIALLY TO ME SINCE I'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE MOSAICS. I'LL STICK TO MY SCRIBBLY SKETCHING, THANKS.

IT WAS POSSIBLE TO WIN WILLIE, ERNIE BANKS AND ROY CAMPANELLA. I ALREADY HAD ERNIE BUT HEY, LET'S COLLECT TWO! SO IF I WON ANYTHING IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL. MAYS IS GREAT BECAUSE HIS CARDS ARE EXPENSIVE AS FUUUUUUUU AND I PASSED ON HIS 56 CARD AT A SHOW YEARS AGO AND KINDA SORTA REGRETTED IT. ONLY KINDA SORTA BECAUSE IT WAS 25 BUCKS AND I'M PRETTY SURE I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH MORE CASH THAN THAT ON ME AT THE TIME. I'VE GOT A PRETTY DAMN GREAT COLLECTION OF CARDS I WAS OFFERED AT A SHOW WHEN I WAS A BROKE ASS BITCH WITH NO MONEY

I THINK THIS CARD MIGHT HAVE HAD A TEAR AT SOME POINT BUT REALLY YOU CAN HARDLY TELL. IT'S AMAZING AND A LITTLE SCARY WHAT TRADING CARD DOCTORS CAN DO NOWADAYS TO HIDE DAMAGE ON CARDS AND GET THAT HIGHER GRADE. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER GET THIS CARD GRADED OF COURSE, I AM AN HONEST COLLECTOR THAT WOULD NEVER TRY TO DECEIVE MY FELLOW HOBBYISTS JUST TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK. BESIDES IF IT WAS GRADED IT WOULDN'T FIT INTO THE BINDER. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE JOY OF A COMPL- UM, MOSTLY COMPLETE- ER, JOY OF A... PAGE. OF CARDS


SO YEAH. HALFWAY COMPLETED PAGE AND I'M PRETTY SURE ROSELLI AND LOGAN ARE PHOTOCOPIES FROM MY TEAM SET. STILL! HALFWAY THERE! THAT'S NOT TOO BA- OH WAIT. THE CARD NEXT TO JOHNNY LOGAN IS MICKEY MANTLE. OH WELL, FUCK THIS PAGE. I'LL GO DIGGING FOR A REPRINT.

 INCLUDED WITH THE CARD WERE A COUPLE GOODIES. FIRST IS A HONUS BONUS

HERE'S A NEAT VINYL STICKER OF THE T-206 HONUS WAGNER. AS A FAN OF ELDRITCH HORROR SEEING A FACE MADE OUT OF LITTLE FACES IS RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. I'M GUESSING THE BACKGROUND IS '87 DONRUSS, NOT SURE ABOUT THE BORDER THOUGH. THIS KINDA STUFF FASCINATES ME, HOW THE HECK DO YOU PICTURE ALL THIS IN YOUR MIND BEFORE YOU START HACKING AWAY AT CARDS WITH SOME SCISSORS. THE STICKER IS ABOUT THE SIZE OF AN INDEX CARD AND IS HELLA STURDY. IT WILL  PROBABLY NEVER GET STUCK ON ANYTHING THOUGH BECAUSE I'M WEIRD ABOUT REALLY COOL STICKERS
ALSO INCLUDED WAS A BUSINESS CARD. PATRICK BATEMAN WOULD - WELL, HE'D PROBABLY HATE IT. BUT THAT GUY'S A DICK. I'M OBSESSED THOUGH. ARE THOSE STARS HAND CUT? TAKEN FROM ACTUAL '52 CARDS? HOW THE HELL WAS THE SIGNATURE DONE? THAT LOGO? SO MANY QUESTIONS. I DIDN'T SCAN THE BACK BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF THEY WANT THEIR PHONE NUMBERS PLASTERED ON THE INTERNET BY SOME WEIRDO. DAT FONT THO. THE SUBTLE OFF-WHITE. THIS THING'S ALREADY IN A TOP LOADER

BEN'S WEBSITE IS  www.sportscardmosaics.com GO CHECK IT OUT

BONUS 2019 IN REVIEW CONTENT!!!

BEST MUSIC OF 2019

SO THE THING WITH ME AND MUSIC IS THAT I LISTEN TO A LOT OF IT BUT IT ALL JUST FLOWS THROUGH ME AND I CAN NEVER REMEMBER MY FAVORITES AT THE DROP OF A HAT ANYMORE. IS THERE A YOUTUBE FEATURE THAT TELLS YOU WHAT SONG YOU PUT ON A LOOP FOR THE LONGEST? PROBABLY KOMM SUSSER TOD. NOW THAT I DON'T HAVE AN HOURS LONG COMMUTE MOST OF MY MUSIC LISTENING IS LISTENING ONLINE OR PUTTING ALL MY RIPPED MP3S ON RANDOM. I CAN TELL YOU MY MAIN LISTENING FOCUS THIS YEAR WAS FUTURE FUNK/CITY POP/VAPORWAVE MIXES*, METAL - ESPECIALLY ANYTHING REFERENCING WITCHES OR WIZARDS IN THE TITLE AND OLD-ASS JAZZ/FUNK/R&B**. THIS STUFF WAS USUALLY THE SOUNDTRACK WHILE I PLAYED VIDEO GAMES. AS FOR NEW STUFF, I DID MANAGE TO FIND A COUPLE OF GEMS THIS YEAR

BEST ALBUM: MASTER BOOT RECORD - INTERNET PROTOCOL



GOTHIC CHIPTUNE CLASSICAL METAL

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

THIS POPPED UP RANDOMLY IN MY YOUTUBE RECOMMENDATIONS. I TRIED IT OUT AND DAAAAYUM IT'S GOOD. VERY GOOD FOCUSING MUSIC. MBR IS VERY PROLIFIC, GO CHECK OUT THE BANDCAMP AND ALSO KEYGEN CHURCH FOR MORE EPICNESS

BEST SONG: NATE MERCEREAU - RIGHTEOUS ENERGY



MY FAVORITE LOCAL RADIO STATION IS ALBUM 88 BUT IT'S HARD TO LISTEN TO BECAUSE NPR GOBBLED IT UP AND EXILED THE MUSIC TO THE ALTERNATE HD STATION FROM LIKE 7AM-7PM. I GOT NO HD RADIOS SO I HAVE TO LISTEN ONLINE OR AFTER HOURS. VERY OFTEN I'M LISTENING ALONG WHILE DOING SOMETHING ELSE AND A SONG WORMS ITS WAY INTO MY SOUL WHILE I'M NOT LOOKING. THIS HAPPENS TO ME A LOT, THERE WAS A SONG FROM ABOUT 2006-07 THAT I ADORED BUT I NEVER FOUND OUT THE TITLE OR BAND NAME AND THE ONLY LYRIC I COULD REMEMBER WAS 'THE OWL GOES HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO' WHICH IS UNGOOGLEABLE. THIS SONG DID EXACTLY THAT AND I COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT THE TITLE AND IT'S AN INSTRUMENTAL SO AIN'T NO DAMN LYRICS TO LOOK UP. I KNOW, USE THE SHAZAM APP, MY OLD-ASS PHONE CAN BARELY MAKE CALLS. I FINALLY FOUND A WEBSITE THAT HAD THE PLAYLIST.  PROBLEM WAS IT IDENTIFIED THE SONG AS JOY TECHNIQUES. I LISTENED TO THE WHOLE DAMN ALBUM (WHICH IS VERY GOOD), FOUND THE SONG AND NOW I LOVE IT. THE FUTURE IS AWESOME, IF A LITTLE COMPLICATED

HONORABLE MENTION: LISEL - ANGELS ON THE SLOPE. THIS IS ALSO GETTING HEAVY PLAY ON ALBUM 88 AND I DIG SEVERAL SONGS ON THIS ALBUM

*ANYTHING WITH LOOPING ANIME GIFS FOR THE VIDEO IS EXTREMELY MY JAM
**WITH A BIG FOCUS ON SONGS THAT WERE HEAVILY SAMPLED BY HIP-HOP HITS

Saturday, January 4, 2020

2019 PROCRASTINATION POST - HOSS

WAS HAVING A GREAT TIME DOING MY TWELVE DAYS OF AD-MAS POSTS AND THEN I ACTUALLY FINISHED THE SERIES (RARE FOR THIS BLOG) AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. IT WAS THE HOLIDAYS SO I FELT JUSTIFIED BEING A LAZY BUMP BUT NOW IT'S A NEW YEAR DECADE AND WORLD WAR THREE MAY BREAK OUT AT ANY MOMENT SO I'M FEELING THE PRESSURE TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE AGAIN. LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE DOING 'BEST OF 2019' STUFF BUT I'M WAY TOO DISORGANIZED FOR THAT AND BESIDES I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I DID IN NOVEMBER LET ALONE FEBRUARY SO HOW CAN I JUDGE THE BEST OF A WHOLE-ASS YEAR UP TO MY RIGOROUS STANDARDS WITHOUT HAVING ALL THE FACTS. IN DESPERATION I LOOKED THROUGH THE DRAFT POSTS I MEANT TO PUBLISH MONTHS AGO FOR SOME EASY CONTENT AND DISCOVERED I ALREADY HAD A BEST OF 2019 SERIES ALREADY UPLOADED! I JUST HAVE TO TYPE IN SOME NONSENSE AND HIT PUBLISH! BEST OF ALL IF I FIND ANYTHING LYING AROUND ON MY DESK I MISSED IN THE MEANTIME I CAN JUST POST IT AN Y'ALL WILL NEVER KNOW

IF YOU WANT A REAL TOP 5 LIST GO CHECK OUT THORZUL WILL RULE DEATH STARE CARDS WHO DOES THIS RIGHT EVERY YEAR, GOING SO FAR AS TO TEASE A GREAT HIT ON TWIRRER AND THEN MAKE US WAIT MONTHS TO SEE IT

1975 TCMA ALL TIME GREATS OLD HOSS RADBOURN


I MAY HAVE LIED WITH THE ADDAMS FAMILY CARD, THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST OF THE YEAR. IN THE 70'S TCMA PUBLISHED A SET OF ALL TIME GREATS POSTCARDS WHICH ARE REALLY COOL AND WERE FAIRLY COMMON AND CHEAP IN THE 80S AND THE ONES I GOT I COLORED ON AND GENERALLY TRASHED AND NOW I WILL NEVER SEE ANOTHER ONE AGAIN. MAN I WISH I COULD DO THE ENTIRE DECADE OF THE 80S OVER. THE POSTCARDS WERE SO COOL, THEY DECIDED TO DO A SMALLER SIZED SET OF TRADING CARDS. THESE AREN'T STANDARD BASEBALL CARD SIZE BUT ARE A LITTLE LARGER, MORE LIKE CARDS FROM THE 50S. FOUND A SMALL PILE OF THEM AT THE FLEA MARKET IN A BOX FOR $1.50 A CARD AND POOPED A BIT WHEN I FOUND THE OL HOSS WITH THE FLIPPING THE BIRD POSE. WHO NEEDS A SUPER EXPENSIVE OLD JUDGE OLD HOSS WHEN YOU CAN GET THE VINTAGE CHEEPNISS. I SOMEHOW GOT THIS FOR FIFTY CENTS PROBABLY BECAUSE THE SELLER FORGOT HE WAS EVEN SELLING THESE THINGS



I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS VICIOUSLY JABBING MY NOSTALGIA GLAND MORE - THE TEXT THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE SHOVED AN INDEX CARD IN A TYPEWRITER OR THOSE INEXPLICABLE LITTLE DOTS THAT LOOK LIKE FAKE PERFORATION. THIS IS LIKE A BASEBALL CARD ZINE AND IT'S FRIGGIN FANTAZTIC. I WANNA GET SOME INDEX CARDS AND A BUSTED OLD TYPEWRITER AND MAKE MY OWN CARD SET NOW

BONUS 2019 IN REVIEW CONTENT!!!

BEEN FEELING INTROSPECTIVE LATELY AND HAVE KINDA SORTA FIGURED OUT SOME OF MY FAVORITES OF 2019 SO WHAT THE HELL, LET'S SHARE THEM HERE. MOST OF YOU HAVE ALREADY CLOSED THE TAB AFTER DROOLING OVER THE OLD HOSS CARD, THIS IS A NICE LITTLE BONUS FOR THE STRAGGLERS

BEST MOVIE OF 2019

I DON'T GO TO SEE MOVIES ANYMORE, I GET DRAGGED BY MY FAMILY. SO THE 2019 MOVIES I'VE SEEN CAN BE COUNTED ON ONE HAND AND I WASN'T CRAZY ABOUT MOST OF THEM. MY FAVORITE OF WHAT I DID SEE WAS:



STAYING ON BRAND BY ONLY LIKING THINGS FROM LAST CENTURY. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT SHOULD REALLY BE SEEN IN A THEATER BUT I'M SURE SOME OF Y'ALL HAVE A 96 INCH PLASMA SCREEN SO THAT SHOULD BE CLOSE ENOUGH. I WAS OBSESSED WITH SPACE TRAVEL AND THE MOON LANDING AS A KID AND BEING ABLE TO SEE ALL THE BEHIND THE SCENES STUFF WAS FANTASTIC

AS FOR MY FAVORITE FILM OF 2019, I DID MANAGE TO WATCH A BUNCH OF MOVIES THAT I HAD BEEN PUTTING OFF AND I GENERALLY REALLY ENJOYED THEM. HONORABLE MENTION GOES TO GET OUT AND HAUSU BUT MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE IS DEFINITELY



THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE MOVIE PERIOD NOW. I'VE ALWAYS LOVED GODZILLA AND I'M A BIG FAN OF NEON GENESIS EVANGELION AND IT'S LIKE BOTH OF THEM GOT MOOSHED UP INTO A DELICIOUS CINEMATIC PEANUT BUTTER CUP. NINETY PERCENT OF THE FILM IS IDIOT BUREAUCRATS RUNNING AROUND WITH THEIR HAIR ON FIRE TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE OTHER TEN PERCENT WHICH IS GODZILLA ABSOLUTELY WRECKING SHIT. I LOVE THE JAPANESE OFFICIALS BICKERING. I LOVE THE INTERNATIONAL MEDDLING. I LOVE HOW THE UNDERDOG SAAVED THE DAY. I LOVE GOOFY-ASS BABY ZILLA. I LOVE ASS KICKING GROWNED UP ZILLA. I LOVE IT ALL. THE POINT WHERE IT WENT FROM MY FAVORITE OF '19 TO MY FAVORITE PERIOD WAS WHEN THE NERD SQUAD CONVENED TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH ANGRY KAIJU AND THE GODDAMN EVANGELION BATTLE THEME MUSIC PLAYED. AND THEN IT BECAME THE NERD SQUAD THEME SONG. JUST WATCHING THE TRAILER HAS ME ALL VERKLEMPT, I NEED A MOMENT

MORE 2019 MEMORIES SOON AFTER I BUY THE DVD

Friday, December 27, 2019

BEST CARD OF 2019

THIRTEEN YEARS AGO TODAY I DID SOMETHING VERY FOOLISH WHICH HAS HAUNTED ME TO THIS DAY. TO CELEBRATE HERE'S THE BEST CARD I GOT IN 2019. SURE THERE'S STILL 4 MORE DAYS AND A CARD SHOW ON SUNDAY BUT IF I FIND SOMETHING BETTER I'LL JUST DO ANOTHER POST

1964 DONRUSS THE ADDAMS FAMILY #50

MY TWO FAVORITE ADDAMS FAMILY CHARACTERS ON ONE CARD. UNCLE FRSTER IS THE BEST AND EVERYONE LOVES A NICE WITCH. JUST SQUEESE IN LURCH, THING AND COUSIN ITT IN SOMEWHERE AND YOU'VE GOT THE PERFECT CARD. GOT THIS AT ROGER'S VINTAGE CARD SHOW A COUPLE WEEKS AGO. HE HAD A SMALL PILE OF UNPRICED ADDAMS FAMILY CARDS IN A CASE AND I HAD TO TAKE A LOOK. HE SAID SINCE IT WASN'T A FULL SET HE'D SELL SINGLES FOR FIVE BUCKS EACH AND I NOPED OUT. BUT I COULDN'T GET UNCLE FESTER AND GRANDMA OUT OF MY HEAD AND WAS ABLE TO SNAG THIS ONE ULTIMATELY WAY LESS THAN FIVE. I THINK ROGER TOOK PITY ON ME SINCE I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE SHOW LITERALLY THE DAY IT OPENED AND WAS WOEFULLY UNPREPARED AND HAD TO BOTTOM FEED THE BARGAIN BOX. OF COURSE NOW I WANT A CARD OF EVERY CHARACTER. WHY IS THIS HOBBY SO SPENDY



THE BACKS OF THE ENTIRE SET MAKES A GIMONGOUS PUZZLE OF THE ENTIRRE FAMILY. THIS CARD HAS PART OF GOMEZ' PANTS. I HAVE NO IDEA IF IT'S RIGHT SIDE UP OR NOT. THIS IS PROBABLY MY OLDEST DONRUSS CARD NOW. HERE'S A CARD GALLERY OF THE SNTIRE SET AND A GOOD PICTURE OF THE WRAPPER. IF ANY OF YOU THINK YOU GOT A COOLER CARD THAN IN IN 2019 BRAG ABOUT IT IN THE COMMENTS SO WE CAN ALL MOCK YOU FOR HOW WRONG YOU ARE. AIN'T NOTHIN' COOLER THAN THE ADDAMS FAMILY

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF AD-MAS

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, I BUSTED MY ASS ON THAT PPOST YESTERDAY AND IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RELAX. HERE'S MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE AD FROM ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS

HOWARD THE DUCK #15 AUGUST 1977


THIS SHIT IS POSITIVELY INFAMOUS. THE SIREN SONG OF A VILLAIN NAMED DOCTOR BONG IN A HOWARD THE DUCK COMIC OF ALL THINGS HAS SURELY BEEN ROUNDLY MOCKED ALL OVER THE INTERNET BY NOW. DUCKS AND BONGS, IT'S A PERFECT STORM OF RIDICULOUS. WELL I SAY TO YOU, THE UNWASHED RUBE, THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING OF RIDICULOUS. THIS COMIC ALSO HAS A CONCRETE SWAN, A MAN-DUCK, CASUAL CANNIBALISM AND A SEA SERPENT WEARING A TOP HAT. NOT ONLY THAT BUT THE SEA SERPENT HAS A BUILT IN ORGASM BUTTON. HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS COMIC SO MUCH. DAMN YOU GEORGE LUCAS FOR FUCKING UP HOWARD THE DUCK. DAMN YOU DISNEY FOR VINDICATING GEORGE LUCAS. I TOO FEEL I AM TRAPPED IN A STUPID WORLD I NEVER MADE


HERE IT IS. THE BEST COMIC ADVERTISEMENT EVER MADE. DR. J DUNKING THE FUCK OUT OF A SPALDING RUBBER BASKETBALL TO SHUT UP THAT SMARTASS KID WHO PROBABLY USES SHITASS SLIPPERY VINYL BALLS. ALL DRAWN BY JACK FREAKING DAVIS. JUST LOOK AT THAT SLAM DUNK PANEL. LEONARDO. REMBRANDT. VERMEER. RUEBENS, VELAZQUEZ, MANET, GOYA, VAN GOGH. MONET, DEGAS, MATISSE, MODIGLIANI, PICASSO, DALI, BOB ROSS. AIN'T NONE OF 'EM GOT SHIT ON JACK DAVIS. ALSO RICK BARRY IS THERE TOO I GUESS. AND IF YOU ALREADY HAVE THE DR. J BALL (AND WHY WOULDN'T YOU), YOU ALSO HAVE THE CHOICE OF WILT CHAMBERLAIN, PISTOL PETE AND ERNIE DIGREGORIO. OR THAT RICK GUY I GUESS. JUST BUY MORE DR. J RUBBER BASKETBALLS. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED IN LIFE REALLY


Monday, December 23, 2019

ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF AD-MAS

A JOYOUS FESTIVUS TO ALL. CELEBRATING WITH A WHOLE-ASS COMIC'S WORTH OF ADS. BUCKLE UP, THIS ONE'S A WILD RIDE

REN & STIMPY #22 SEPTEMBER 1994


REN AND STIMPY IS ONE OF THE MANY THINGS I LOVED IN MY YOUTH THAT HAS BEEN PERMANENTLY STAINED BY THE PASSAGE OF TIME. JOHN K. IS JUST KIND OF A BASTARD YA KNOW? AND THE SHOW HASN'T AGED TERRIBLY WELL EITHER, ESPECIALLY SINCE SUBSEQUENT CARTOONS TOOK ALMOST ALL THE WRONG LESSONS FROM R&S'S SUCCESS. BUT THOSE FIRST COUPLE OF SEASONS THAT PLAYED ON A LOOP FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS ON NICKELODEON ARE PERMANENTLY BURNED INTO MY BRAIN AND I STILL LOVE 'EM. I'LL PUT UP STIMPY'S CARTOON UP AGAINST ANY OTHER CARTOON SHORT EVER. EVER

THE COMIC BOOK WAS... OKAY. IT GOT THE FEEL OF THE SHOW WELL ENOUGH BUT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT HAVE THE COMIC TIMING DOWN AT ALL. IT ALSO DOESN'T QUITE GET THE WEIRDNESS OF THE SHOW, SOMETHING THE SHOW SOMETIMES HAD PROBLEMS WITH AS WELL IF WE'RE BEING HONEST. THE COVER SURPRISINGLY DESCRIBES THE CONTENTS WELL. REN GETS SICK AND STIMPY NURSES HIM BACK TO HEALTH BY READING HIM STORIES. WE SEE THE CHARACTERS RIGHT THERE ON THE COVER: LITTLE RED RIDING REN AND THE WOLF WHO MENACES HIM, GINGERBREAD SVEN, THE LOGS FROM GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE LOGS AND THE YAK WHO IS SOLD FOR MAGIC NOSEHAIRS AND DOESN'T APPRECIATE IT AT ALL. MISSING IS HUMPTY STIMPY BUT TO BE FAIR HE'S BUSY READING THE BOOK. THE B-STORY FEATURES MAGICIAN STIMPY AND HIS HAPLESS ASSISTANT REN, WHICH TURNS OUT ABOUT HOW YOU'D EXPECT IT. NOT GREAT, BUT DEFINITELY FUN


THIS NIGHTMARE IS WHAT YOU SEE FIRST THING WHEN YOU OPEN THE COVER. ALMOST-BUT-NOT-QUITE REALISTIC UNCANNY VALLEY ADVERTISEMENT ILLUSTRATIONS WAS QUITE A NINETIES VIBE. IT WAS PROBABLY VERY EFFECTIVE AS PEOPLE WERE COMPELLED TO STARE AT THE AD FOR ENTIRELY TOO LONG TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT KID'S FACE. WHY IS THE PERSPECTIVE SO WARPED? OK, SO YOU MAKE A TREEHOUSE IN THE SHAPE OF CAP'N CRUNCH, BUT HUBCAPS FOR THE EYES? YOU REALLY MADE THE ENTRANCE HIS MOUTH IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD ROLE REVERSAL? TWO MAILBOXES? WHY TWO MAILBOXES?? DID YOU STEAL ONE OF THOSE FROM A NEIGHBOR? BOTH OF THEM?? EXAMINING THE THOUGHT PROCESS BEHIND THE OVERLY-CRUNCHY CEREAL INFLUENCED ARCHITECTURAL CHOICES IS NOT THE MINDFUCK I WANTED RIGHT BEFORE READING A SILLY COMIC BASED ON A CARTOON. I'VE BEEN LESS UNSETTLED BY DAVID LYNCH MOVIES. NICE IDEA USING A HORSESHOE FOR THE C ON THE HAT, CLEVER CHOICE


ANOTHER 90S TREND: MARKETERS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REBRAND SIGHTLY BORING PRODUCTS AS HIP AND EDGY. BARQ'S TRIED MAKING ROOT BEER EXTREEEEME BY INCLUDING TEMPORARY TATTOOS INSIDE 12 PACKS AND CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO BARQ'S HAS BITE! I DON'T THINK IT WORKED - IT'S HARD TO MAKE A PRODUCT EDGY WHEN IT'S REGULARLY QUAFFED BY SNOOPY - BUT WE GOT A HELLUVA LOT OF FUN ADVERTISEMENTS OUT OF THE ATTEMPT. ORIGINAL BARQTOOS ADS WERE IN A 50S MONSTER MOVIE POSTER MOTIF AND THE SEQUEL SWIPED THE MAD FOLD-IN GIMMICK. ALSO THESE ADS LOOK A LOT LIKE DREW FRIEDMAN'S SIGNATURE STIPPLING STYLE BUT I CAN'T FIND ANY CONFIRMATION ON WHO DREW THESE ANYWHERE. WE ALL MISSED OUT ON THE BARQTOOS BUT THROUGH THE MAGIC OF MSPAINT WE CAN AT LEAST ENJOY THE FOLD-IN


BUTTHEADS! WE'RE ALL BUTTHEADS NOW


I'LL TAKE THE TEN GRAND AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE. WHAT THE HELL WOULD I HAVE TO SAY TO JOE MONTANA ANYWAY? HEY JOE, REMEMBER ALL THE TIMES YOU RIPPED MY FALCONS' GUTS OUT WITH A RUSTY FORK. YOU DON'T REALLY GET TEN GRAND ANYWAY, YOU GET TEN GRAND WORTH OF AUTHENTICATED UPPER DECK MERCH. WHICH, CONSIDERING THEIR LINEUP OF EXCLUSIVE STARSAT THE TIME PROBABLY ENDED UP HOLDING A DECENT AMOUNT OF VALUE. SECOND PLACE IS A COMPLETE SET OF PARALLELS OH JOY. THIRD PLACE IS A SEGA GENESIS FOR SOME REASON AND IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM THERE. I ABSOLUTELY WANT THAT 9TH PLACE THEN AND NOW HOLOGRAM SET. I MEAN, I MIGHT ALREADY HAVE IT BUT I WANT IT NOW, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. THERE'S 300 THOUSAND OF THEM OUT THERE ONE'S GOTTA BE HIDING IN SOME DIME BOX SOMEWHERE


 WHAT THE HELL, IT'S FESTIVUS! LET'S SHOW OFF AN ACTUAL CARD AS WELL.IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO FIND A 1994 COLLECTOR'S CHOICE CARD FOR SOME REASON BUT I FOUND A GREAT ONE. ENJOY IRONHEAD HEYWARD PEERING OVER BUTTS. GOTTA LOVE THAT UPPER DECK PHOTOGRAPHY


COOKIES FOR FUCKING BREAKFAST HOLY SHIT. IF ANYONE BORN THIS CENTURY ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLES ON THIS BLOG THROUGH SOME RIDICULOUS MISFORTUNE I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THIS WAS A SUPER BIG DEAL BACK IN THE 80S. I MEAN, MOST BREAKFAST CEREAL WAS UNHEALTHY SUGARY CRAP ALREADY BUT THEY WEREN'T GODDAMN COOKIES. THE ALLURE OF TINY STALE COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST WAS IRRESISTIBLE. THIS AD KNOWS IT AND JUST SHOWS HAPPY CHILDREN EATING BREAKFAST COOKIES IN FASHIONABLE OUTFIT- OH MY GOD LOOK AT THOSE PANTS 


I DON'T HAVE ANY 1994 ULTRA X-MEN CARDS BUT I WANTED TO SHOW OFF SOMETHING AND BOY IS THIS CARD SOMETHING. I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS CHARACTER BUT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A VAMPIRE. JUST LOOK AT THIS REJECTED SPAWN VILLAIN-ASS MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE CRAZY JAW AND COOL AS HELL SHADES. I DEMAND A REBOOT OF TWILIGHT WITH THIS DESIGN. I SURE HOPE THAT THING DOWN THERE IS A TAIL BUT I'M TOO AFRAID TO GOOGLE IT


MORE FLEER CONTENT IN A MARVEL COMIC. OF COURSE MARVEL OWNED FLEER BY THIS POINT SO IT MAKES SENSE. RAZZLES WERE BOTH CANDY AND A GUM AND DIDN'T DO EITHER PARTICULARLY WELL BUT HEY, THEY HAD THEIR GIMMICK. EVEN THE GIVEAWAY IS AMBIGUOUS. ARE THEY SUPPORTING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE AND GIVING AWAY A MOUNTAIN BIKE? ARE THEY ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND EAT CANDY ALL DAY? THEY'RE DOING BOTH!


THIS AD IMMEDIATELY REMINDED ME OF THE FLEER ADRENALINE SET FOR SOME REASON EVEN THOUGH THAT CAME OUT IN 2000. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE 'LOOK MA, NO BRAINS' POSE ON THIS CARD


HERE'S A WIZARD-ERA COMIC SELLER AD TO COMPARE AND CONTRAST WITH THE ONES IN THE OLDY MOLDY COMICS. BEYOND THE HORRIFICALLY DISTRACTING BACKGROUND,SOME OF THESE SUCKERS ARE PRICEY. THIRTY BUCKS FOR A MANTRA #1 HOLOGRAM COVER?? WHAT THE FUCK IS A MANTRA. (editor's note - I googled this issue to see if any were on sale and its price is all over the map from 10 bucks to 150. apparently the nineties comic book market is just as bizarre as the nineties baseball card market) I TRIED TO PLAY THE GAME AGAIN WHERE I TRY TO PICK 10 COMICS FOR $7.50 AND I JUST WASN'T FEELING ANY OF IT. I MEAN, 1963 IS FUN BUT I GOT ALL OF THEM. UNLIKE THE OLD TIMEY COMIC SELLER ADS, THIS ONE IS SELLING TRADING CARD PACKS AS WELL. $1.50 - $4.00 PER PACK OR $40-$50 FOR A BOX. REMEMBER, THIS IS PRE-BIG MOJO HIT ERA PACKS, YOU'RE JUST GETTING MOSTLY BASE CARDS HERE. A HOLOGRAM IF YOU'RE LUCKY


HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN GET OUT OF THAT $1.50 SPIDER-MAN PACK. DOCTOR DOOM ABOUT TO COMET PUNCH SPIDER-MAN IN THE FACE. IS IT BAD I LIKE VILLAINS MORE THAN SUPERHEROES MOST TIMES


HAD TO SHOW OFF THIS ONE AS WELL. CHECK OUT THAT AUNT MAY GRAFFITI. GOD BLESS FLEER, THEY TRIED SO DAMN HARD IN THE 90S


MOAR TRADING CARD ADS. YOU FIGURING OUT WHY I CHOSE THIS ISSUE TO SHOW OFF NOW? KINDA WISH I HAD THE APRIL ISSUE OF REN & STIMPY TO SEE THE BASEBALL CARD ADS, BUT HERE'S MORE FOOTBALL FOR YA. I LIKE HOW THIS AD IS BOTH CLEVER AND DEEPLY WEIRD. WRITING A DIAGRAM OF A 'KILL THE MAN WITH THE BALL' PLAY IN SHARPIE ON A PALM LIKE A CHEAT SHEET IS CERTAINLY A WAY TO SELL FOOTBALL CARDS. AT LEAST I HOPE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SHARPIE. NO PICTURE OF THE PRODUCT THOUGH, WANNA KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?


AWWW YEAH PURPLE AND TEAL FOOTBALL CARDS. THE MOST VAPORWAVEY OF SETS. TOOK ME FOREVER TO FIND THIS ONE TOO. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I PULLED OUT ALL MY JESSE TUGGLE CARDS SO I CAN ORGANIZE THEM AND GET THEM BINDERED AND I LEARNED THAT MY 90S FOOTBALL CARDS ARE STARTING TO FUSE TOGETHER INTO ONE SOLID MASS THANKS TO ROTTEN UV COATING SO I BETTER MAKE GETTING THEM ALL SORTED A PRIORITY IN 2020


HEY, YOU'VE SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE. IN LIEU OF ME BLITHERING ON ABOUT IT ANY MORE HERE'S RAUL JULIA BEING A BAD ASS




YEAAH CRUNCH AND MUNCH. FANCY-ASS CRACKER JACK. THIS BOX HAS A PRIZE TOO! YET ANOTHER MARVEL PROPERTY TRADING CARD. THAT MAKES FIVE ADS IN THIS BOOK ADVERTISING CARDS, USING CARDS AS A PROMO OR JUST FLAT OUT SELLING CARDS. MAN, THOSE DAYS ARE SOOO OVER


I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE PROMO CARDS SO HERE'S A TRADING CARD OF A BOOK I ACTUALLY LIKE. THAT'S RIGHT, A SANDMAN ROOKIE CARD. YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD ONE OF THESE WHEN HBO OR AMAZON OR WHOEVER FINALLY ADAPTS SANDMAN INTO A TV SHOW AND EVERYONE GOES CRAZY ABOUT IT FOR A COUPLE MONTHS

ONE DAY LEFT HOLY SNIT

Sunday, December 22, 2019

ON THE TENTH DAY OF AD-MAS

OH MY GOD I MIGHT ACTUALLY COMPLETE A SERIES OF POSTS ON THIS SILLY BLOG FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. REMEMBER WHEN I SPENT LIKE A MONTH PUTTING TOGETHER A FRANKENSET OF TOPPS HERITAGE CARDS USING A CARD FROM ALL NINE YEARS ON EACH PAGE AND I SPENT HOURS SCANNING EVERY PAGE AND UPLOADING THEM AND GOT ABOUT TEN PAGES IN AND JUST.... STOPPED? AND NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE SCANS WENT TO AND THE ACTUAL BINDER OF CARDS IS MISSING A PAGE SOMEHOW AND ALL THAT EFFORT IS JUST ALL GONE WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT? ANYWAY, FUCK THE PAST, HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND HERE'S A COMIC

VAULT OF EVIL #13 SEPTEMBER 1974


MORE MARVEL REHASHED HORROR COMICS. THESE STORIES ARE ALL TAKEN FROM OLD ATLAS HORROR TITLES FROM THE 50'S. AND YOU SHOULD REALLY CLICK ON THAT LINK AND TAKE A LOOK AT ALL THE COOL COVERS FROM THOSE COMICS. THEY ARE ALL SUPERIOR TO THIS ONE WHICH LOOKS LIKE IT COULD TURN INTO A TOM OF FINLAND DRAWING AT ANY MOMENT. ACTUALLY THAT SOUNDS PRETTY AWESOME, IMAGINE TOM PENCILING A RUN OF THE AVENGERS HOLY SHIT.

THERE ARE 4 STORIES IN THE COMIC AND SOME OF THEM MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BEFORE THE COMIC CODE KICKED IN BECAUSE THEY HAVE THAT LURID SLEAZY FEEL THAT THE GOOD HORROR COMICS FROM THAT ERA HAVE. FIRST STORY IS THE HEAT'S ON AND IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE COVER. AN ASSHOLE SAILOR GETS WHAT HE DESERVES. THE DEVIL DOESN'T HAVE A MUSTACHE EITHER. THE SECOND ONE, THE TELEPATHIC TYPEWRITER, ISN'T THAT GREAT - IT'S BASICALLY MICHIGAN J FROG EXCEPT A TYPEWRITER - BUT IT'S DRAWN BY MORT DRUCKER OF MAD MAGAZINE FAME SO IT'S AT LEAST GOT HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE. THE MADMAN IS BY FAR THE BEST STORY OF THE BUNCH AND ONE OF THE BEST I'VE READ PERIOD. A NURSE IS HIRED TO WORK AT A SPOOKY OLD ASYLUM BY A CREEPY DOCTOR WHO IS TREATING THE INSANE. ONE PATIENT CLAIMS HE'S SEEN PROOF OF A PENDING INVASION OF FOUR ARMED MONSTERS WHO WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. THE TWIST AT THE END IS UTTERLY GLORIOUS. IF I EVER GET BRAVE ENOUGH TO SCAN ENTIRE STORIES THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE FIRST. THE FINAL STORY IS CONTENTS: ONE HUMAN WHICH WOULD WORK AS A TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODE IF IT WASN'T SO SILLY.

THE ISSUE IS ABSOLUTELY STUFFED WITH ADS, FROM COOL STUFF TO ODD STUFF TO BORING STUFF TO HORRIBLE STUFF. IT WAS HARD TO PICK ONE BUT I HAD TO GO WITH THIS:


THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TOYS I WOULD HAVE NEVER REMEMBERED AT ALL IF IT WERE NOT FOR MOLDY-ASS COMIC BOOK ADS. GUESSING WE'RE NOT GONNA GET A BIG JIM EPISODE OF THE TOYS THAT MADE US ANYTIME SOON. FOR A BRIEF PERIOD IN THE 70S THOUGH THESE THINGS WERE EVERYWHERE BEFORE THE STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES CRAZE KILLED OFF GIGANTIC BOY DOLLS FOREVER. DUDE BEING A BLACK BELT AS WELL AS A THREE SPORT STAR IS PRETTY DOPE. OK SO HE'S A KICKER, YOU TRY WINNING A CHAMPIONSHIP IN THREE SPORTS ALL AT THE SAME TIME. APPARENTLY BIG JIM WAS ALSO A SPY AND A BIG GAME HUNTER AND PART OF A GANG AS WELL? I LOOKED UP THAT COOL KARATE PLAYSET AND ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVERED THE JUNGLE ADVENTURE SET WITH REAL ACTION GORILLA. FOLY SHUCKING HIT FORGET BIG JIM I NEED AN ACTION GORILLA IN MY LIFE


AW HECK, IT'S CHRISTMAS. HERE'S A BONUS AD I COULDN'T PASS UP. ANYONE EVER PLAYED FLIP-O-BASEBALL? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT, AND I'M WONDERING IF THERE'S A LOST SET OF BASEBALL GAME CARDS OUT THERE NOW. IT'S NOT IN MY STANDARD CATALOG AND TRYING TO GOOGLE IT GETS A BILLION HITS OF OLD WHITE MEN GRUMBLING ABOUT UNWRITTEN RULES AND LAMENTING HOW JOSE BAUTISTA HAS CAUSED AMERICA TO NOT BE GREAT AGAIN. I'M ASSUMING IT'S NOT JUST FLIPPING BASEBALL CARDS UP AGAINST THE WALL SINCE THE AD COPY MENTIONS STRATEGY AND RULES. IT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL IF THERE WERE SOME CUSTOM BASEBALL CARDS MADE FOR THE GAME BUT WHO KNOWS. THE ONLY MENTION I CAN FIND ONLINE AT ALL IS THIS COMICS FORUM POST STATING THAT THE AD IS ALSO IN DOCTOR STRANGE. TEMPTED TO SEND TWO BUCKS TO POSNER DISTRIBUTORS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS

UPDATE: HOLY SHIT THERE'S ACTUALLY A POSNER BATTERY DISTRIBUTORS LISTING IN THIS DIRECTORY OF NEW JERSEY JUNKYARDS WITH THE SAME ADDRESS AS THIS AD. WHAT UNHOLY MYSTERY HAVE I FALLEN INTO HERE