I have no idea how to create pages but I'll figure it out eventually godammit

Sunday, December 16, 2018

ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CARDMAS

SO I WAS LOOKING UP THE SONG LYRICS BECAUSE I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHICH ROTTEN BIRD WAS SCHEDULED FOR TODAY AND I STUMBLED ACROSS THIS

SO... UM, YEAH
FUCK CHRISTMAS THIS IS CARDMAS AND IT HAS TO BE THE TWELVE DAYS PRECEDING THE DAY WITH THE PRESENTS SO WE CAN ALL GO OUT AND BLOW ALL OUR CASH ON BASEBALL CARD PACKS, THE ORIGINAL LATE STAGE CAPITALIST SKINNER BOX DESIGNED TO TRANSFER THE WEALTH OF LITTLE KIDS STRAIGHT TO FAT CATS' BLOATED POCKETS. SUCK IT LOOT BOXES, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET LEGISLATED OUT OF EXISTENCE WHILE 2019 TOPPS OFFERS US 47 PARALLELS AND A 1:1352798234928 CHANCE AT AN AUTOGRAPH OR SOMETHING

IN THIS SPIRIT OF UNBRIDLED GREED I OFFER YOU A LEGIT HIGH-END-MOJO-PACK



2002 UPPER DECK SWEET SPOT

YEAH I KNOW HIGH END NOWADAYS IS TWO CARDS INSIDE A LOCKED PLASTIC BRIEFCASE WHERE ONE IS A SERIAL NUMBERED PARALLEL OF A SUBSET WITH A PLAIN WHITE SWATCH OF AN EVENT-WORN JERSEY EVEN THOUGH THE SELL SHEET SAYS IT'S A PATCH AND THE OTHER A PSA-ENCASED ON-CARD AUTOGRAPH OF AN MLB-APPROVED ROOKIE WHO WILL END UP SELLING INSURANCE BY 2023 ALL FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF THREE GRAND (cheap!), BUT BACK IN 2002 SWEET SPOT WAS THE SHIZNIT. LET'S OPEN THIS BEEYOTCH UP AND SEE IF WE HIT ONE OF THOSE COOL AUTOGRAPHS ON BASEBALL LEATHER THAT COMPLETELY FADED OUT OF EXISTENCE AFTER A FEW YEARS BECAUSE THE UPPER DECK INTERN BOUGHT CHEAP PENS



HA! BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING CLOUDS MOTHERFUCKER! IMAGINE SEEING THE RED CAMEO ON WOOD GRAIN MOTIF OF THE WRAPPER, SLAMMING DOWN YOUR CASH, RIPPING THE PACK OPEN RIGHT THERE AT THE COUNTER AND BAM LITTLE FLUFFY CLOUDS LIKE THE ORB. SHIT WAS DIFFERENT IN 2002. HERE WE HAVE A CLAUSTROPHOBIC JIM THOME SQUISHED IN A FRAME OF SKY WHILE HOLOGRAPHIC FOIL HIGHLIGHTS SERIOUSLY DISRESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE. POSITION AND GIGANTIC JERSEY NUMBER SLAPPED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAYER PHOTO? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR 1995 FLEER SLANDER ON THIS WEBSITE EVER AGAIN



IF I SHOULD EVER DIE, GOD FORBID, I HOPE YOU WILL SAY 'CHIEF WAHOO IS IN HEAVEN NOW' THAT'S MY FAVORITE JOKE

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THE FACT THAT THE CLOUDS ON THE BACK DON'T MATCH UP WITH THE CLOUDS ON THE FRONT FILLS ME WITH RAGE AND DISAPPOINTMENT. I PAID TEN 2002 DOLLARS FOR THIS???


JASON GIAMBI REFUSES TO BE PENNED IN AND JUST STOMPS ALL OVER THE CLOUDS LIKE A STORM GIANT. SADLY ONE YEAR TOO LATE TO GET A'S MVP GIAMBI, WE'RE STUCK WITH THOSE DAMNED PINSTRIPES. AT LEAST THIS CARD HAS AN ACTION SHOT INSTEAD OF ONE OF TOPPS' HEAVILY AIRBRUSHED NIGHTMARE PORTRAITS. GO LOOK UP SOME OF HIS CARDS FROM 2002 LIKE TOPPS HERITAGE OR TOPPS-206. COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL TO A DUDE WITH 440 HOME RUNS IN A 20 YEAR CAREER.


AWW YEAH BERNIE 2020. BERNIE WILLIAMS IS SO COOL I'M GONNA LAY OFF THE YANKEE HATE FOR AT LEAST A PARAGRAPH. I'LL COMMENT ON JUST HOW BIZARRE THIS DESIGN IS INSTEAD. EVEN DISCOUNTING THE FOIL - THE PLACEMENT OF THE LOGOS ARE MILES WORSE THAN 2008 TOPPS COULD EVER HOPE TO BE - THE WHOLE THING IS JUST FUCKIN' WEIRD. OK, THE CLOUDS ARE NICE. KINDA SOOTHING AND THE PLAYER NAME AT THE TOP IS INTERESTING ALTHOUGH NOT FOR EVERYONE. BUT WHY IS BERNIE GLOWING? WHY'D THEY DO A DROP SHADOW IN THE BACKGROUND? IS THAT THE ACTUAL BACKGROUND OF THE PHOTO AND IF NOT WHY DID THEY CHOOSE A BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE BEHIND A RAILING? AM I JUST TOO UNCOUTH TO UNDERSTAND HOW BRILLIANT THIS DESIGN  IS OR IS IT REALLY JUST TOO MUCH CRAP SHOVED TOGETHER? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW

!!!!!MOJO!!!!!


SWEET SPOT SWATCH OF A PUNTER. THERE'S THE BIG FUCKIN' HIT. A WHITE PIECE OF LAUNDRY WITH A NON-YANKEE PINSTRIPE HALF COVERED BY THE DIE CUT FLAP. OR DID ERSTAD PLAY FOR THE YANKEES? HELL EVERYONE PLAYED FOR THE YANKEES IN THE AUGHTS, WHY NOT DARIN. TO ASSUAGE THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF GETTING A CRUMMY RELIC CARD INSTEAD OF THE COOL ON-LEATHER AUTOGRAPH THERE ARE FAKE BASEBALL STITCHES INCORPORATED INTO THE DESIGN SO YOU CAN PRETEND YOU DIDN'T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON A RELIC THAT WAS WORTH 2 BUCKS IN 2002 AND IS NOW WORTH THE AMOUNT OF HEAT IT WILL GENERATE ON THE MAKESHIFT FIRE YOU BUILT TO STAY ALIVE THROUGH THE WINTER AFTER THE POWER COMPANY TURNED OFF THE HEAT BECAUSE YOU SPENT YOUR RETIREMENT MONEY ON HIGH-END BASEBALL PRODUCTS.


DON'T FORGET THE OBLIGATORY SUPER THICK DUMMY CARD THEY HAD TO PUT IN TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM INSTANTLY SNAGGING THE GOOD PACKS BECAUSE THE AUTOGRAPHS WERE THICKER THAN ALL THE OTHER CARDS IN THE PACK PUT TOGETHER

THIS FUCKER WILL BURN FOR A LONG TIME!



TIL TOMORROW MY CALL CENTER CHICKADEES

Saturday, December 15, 2018

ON THE THIRD DAY OF CARDMAS

SLEEP. WORK. THAT'S IT. KIND OF A THEME FOR ME THE PAST FEW YEARS

THREE CARD PACKS ARE A REAL BITCH, THEY'RE EITHER OVERPRICED CRAP OR KID STUFF. HOWEVER, I WAS ABLE TO FIND THIS LONG LOST GEM BURIED IN A PILE OF JUNK


FUN FOODS
PREMIER COLLECTOR'S ISSUE!
133 TOP STARS!!
3 BUTTONS IN EACH PACK!!!
COLLECT!!!!
WEAR!!!!!
TRADE!!!!!!
FULL COLOR PHOTOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EACH BUTTON A GIANT 1 1/8"????
WTF HOW IS THAT GIANT


ALL 133 COLLECT
SOMEONE DIDN'T THINK THROUGH THE LAYOUT OF THIS PACKAGING BEFORE THE PRINTER SENDING IT TO. LOOKING OVER THE CHECKLIST AT BUTTONS 69 TO 68 I MUST SAY THAT A DAVE PARKER BUTTON WOULD BE INCREDIBLY BAD ASS INDEED. NOT FOR CHILDREN UNDER 7 YEARS OLD THO. WHAT STABBY DELIGHTS WILL WE DISCOVER? FIND OUT LET US



BERT BLYLEVEN FROM THE LAND OF CLEVE. WHICH GROUP OF MALCONTENTS WAS PISSED OFF HE FINALLY GOT IN THE HALL OF FAME, I FORGET. I'M PRETTY SURE THE STAT NERDS WERE HAPPY SO IT WAS EITHER THE "HE'S NOT AS GOOD AS WALTER JOHNSON" FUSSBUDGETS OR THE BIGOTED ANTI-NETHERLANDS XENOPHOBES. FUCK 'EM, WHOEVER THEY ARE, THE HALL NEEDS MORE CURVEBALL WIZARDS WHO ❤ TO FART

NOW THAT THE SCANNER HAS MAGNIFIED THESE GIANT METAL DISCS I CAN SEE HOW SCRATCHED UP THIS ONE IS


PAUL MOLITOR BLURRY 3-D PIN. NO ONE COMPLAINED WHEN PAUL MADE THE HALL SINCE HE'S WHITE AND BORING. JUST LIKE MILWAUKEE AND MINNESOTA OH SNAAAAAAAAAP - I WENT THERE. THE TINY NATURE OF THESE GIANT PINS OBSCURE JUST HOW OUT OF REGISTER THIS THING IS, LOOKS LIKE SOME EARLY 70'S TOPPS PSYCHEDELIA RIGHT HERE. ANY OF YOU PRINTING NERDS HAVE ANY INSIGHT ON METAL PIN PRINTING PROCESSES TO EXPLAIN HOW THIS GOT BOOGERED UP SO BADLY?


!!!!!!!!!HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE BULL!!!!!!!!!
I NEED TO FIND THE SOX CAP I HAD WHEN I WAS A KID, THEN I COULD WEAR IT AND PIN THIS SUCKER TO MY JEAN JACKET AND IT WILL LOOK LIKE I'M WEARING A PIN OF MYSELF. IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT OL JUNKIE LOOKED LIKE, THIS IS BASICALLY A SELFIE RIGHT HERE EXCEPT FATTER AND WITHOUT THE AMAZING FASHION SENSE. FUCKIN' SUPER MOJO HIT OF 2018, CALLING IT RIGHT HERE


HERE'S A HILARIOUSLY INEFFECTIVE SCAN OF THE BACKS. PINS WITH STATS!!! MUCH BETTER THAN A PACK OF BOWMAN CHROME OR ONE OF THOSE POKEMON PACKS THEY SELL AT DOLLAR TREE IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. WAIT A SEC, MOLITOR HIT .217???? HOW THE HELL DID THAT BUM GET TO COOPERSTOWN I AM NOW COMPLAINING ABOUT THE QUALITY OF PLAYERS IN THE HALL OF FAME OR SHOULD I SAY HALL OF VERY GOOD AM I RIGHT

SEE
SEE HOW ANNOYING THAT SHIT IS
STOP DOING IT AND JUST APPRECIATE SOME GREAT CAREERS YOU SMALL HALL CHUCKLEFUCKS



NO HALL OF FAME SNARKING AT ALL NEXT TIME I PROMISE
TIL THEN MY FRANCOEUR CHICKENS

Friday, December 14, 2018

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CARDMAS

I GOOFED OFF AND WATCHED TRILOGY OF TERROR STARRING KAREN BLACK WHICH IS AWESOME AND WORTH CHECKING OUT

THERE AIN'T A LOT OF PACKS WITH ONLY TWO CARDS IN THEM SO TODAY YOU GET THIS


YEAH IT'S PRE OPENED NO ONE CARES
EAGLE-EYED READERS CAN PROBABLY FIND SOME OF THESE CARDS IN PREVIOUS POSTS NONE OF THIS MATTERS. THE PAST IS A LIE THERE IS ONLY NOW. LET'S LOOK AT THE 'CARDS'


HOLY CRAP THE GUM LOOKS ROUGH SCANNED LIKE THIS.NO I'M NOT CHEWING IT. NOT TOUCHING IT. THAT GUM IS PERMANENTLY FUSED TO TERRY KENNEDY'S FACE AND NO AMOUNT OF ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY WILL SAVE HIM. REST OF THE RUB DOWN: SEAVER, MURRAY, OZZIE, A BAT AND TWO GLOVES. THREE HALL OF FAMERS AND TERRY'S GOT A GRIPE AFTER THIS WEEK. THE NEXT UN-GUMMERED CARD:


RICKEY, RIGGY AND MR. BETS. FOUR MORE HALL OF FAMERS, THE BAT IS A DRINKING BUDDY OF TONY LARUSSA. I KID, I KID, I'M ALL FOR HAROLD BAINES IN THE HALL BECAUSE IT MEANS MAXIMUM BALLOT CHAOS AND GNASHING OF TEETH AMONGST THE SMALL HALL GATEKEEPERS. MARVIN'S OUT, KUHN IS IN, SHIT SUCKS ANYWAY.

NEVERMIND ALL THAT MESS, JUST LOOK AT RICKEY'S BUTT

LOOK AT IT 


CHECKLIST!!! WITH THAT SICKLY GREEN BACK SO YOU KNOW IT'S FROM 1985
EVERYBODY GETS AT LEAST 4 PLAYERS EXCEPT THE SHITTY AL TEAMS. COULDN'T FIND A THIRD A TO SHOVE INTO A RUB-A-DUB, EH TOPPS. THEY EVEN LEFT SPACE FOR A COUPLE MORE CLEVELANDERS BUT TOPPS JUST SAID FUCK IT AND ADDED MORE BASEBALLS TO THE SHEETS. I MEAN JESUS CHRIST, BRUCE BENEDICT MADE THE CUT, THERE HAD TO BE ANOTHER WORTHY MARINER SOMEWHERE


RUBBY DOWN PICTURE INSTRUCTIONS, EVEN MORE IMPORTANT NOW THAN IN 1985 SINCE YOU SPOILED MILLENNIALS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THE CONCEPT OF THESE THINGS EVEN IS. YOU SLACKERS ALL HAVE YOUR NOSES STUCK IN YOUR IPHONES LOOKING AT AVOCADOS AND COMMUNISM AND DON'T APPRECIATE THE MORE LUDICROUS DISTRACTIONS OF THE ANCIENT AGE. BACK IN THE PLEISTOCENE ERA WE ACTUALLY BOUGHT THESE THINGS FOR REAL AND MADE PICTURES OUT OF THEM BY RUBBING THEM OUT ON SOME PAPER AND DRAWING SHIT BECAUSE WE WERE DESPERATE FOR WHATEVER FUN WE COULD FIND. RUB A COIN ON A CARD NOWADAYS AND PSA WON'T RETURN YOUR PHONE CALLS ANYMORE



TIL TOMORROW MY DUAL TORTOISE PIGEONS

Thursday, December 13, 2018

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CARDMAS

A GODDAMN XMAS MIRACLE HAPPENED

LOOK AT THIS A REAL FUCKIN POST FROM ME

A BIGGER MIRACLE WILL BE IF I SEE THIS SHIT OUT THRU ALL TWELVE DAYS, I STILL DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING SCANNED YET

AND YES I'M GOING TO BE YELLING THE WHOLE TIME. THIS YEAR HAS ME VERY YELLY AND THE ONLY WAY I'M GOING TO MAKE IT THRU TWELVE DAYS OF POSTING IS TO PRETEND I'M RUNNING FULL SPEED AND SCREAMING THE WHOLE TIME TO KEEP UP THAT SENSE OF URGENCY

OH YEAH FIRST DAY I GOT

 1997 PINNACLE DENNY'S GRAND SLAM PACK

ONE CARD IN THE PACK AND YOU HADDA EAT A BIG GREASY PLATE O' FOOD TO GET ONE

ACTUALLY I THINK YOU COULD BUY A BUNCH OF PACKS AT A TIME, AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT THE FOOD, YOU COULD SNEAK IT ONTO SOMEONE ELSE'S PLATE WHEN THEY WEREN'T LOOKING. STILL HAD TO PAY EXTRA FOR THE PACKS THO


LOOK AT THAT CHECKLIST. JUST LOOK A WHILE THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE READING THAT UNSCANNABLE MESS. BASICALLY 1 CARD PER TEAM WITH A BONUS JACKIE ROBINSON YOU'LL NEVER GET OUT OF A PACK. IN A QUARTER BOX TWENTY YEARS LATER MAYBE, BUT NOT IN A PACK. ONE PLAYER PER TEAM MEANS STARS STARS STARS BABY. GOT ANDRUW JONES AND DAVE JUSTICE FOR THIS BRAVES FAN. A-ROD BONDS MCGUIRE SOSA THOMAS BAGWELL CLEMENS PIAZZA VLAD LARKIN

JOHNNY FUCKIN JAHA!!!!!!!!!!

LET'S SEE WHAT SUPERSTAR HALL OF FAMER AWAITS


RAY LANKFORD

GOD DAMMIT

OH WELL IT'S STILL LENTICULAR 3-D-ISH DENNYS CARDINAL ACTION

KELLOGG'S 3-D, NOT SPORTFLICS 3-D, BUT STILL 3-D

I THINK THAT'S A CUB IN THE BACKGROUND BUT HAVE NO IDEA WHO IT IS AND NO DESIRE TO LOOK IT UP. LET'S CHECK OUT THE BACK


HOLOGRAMS DON'T SCAN WORTH A ASS AND I'M  TOO LAZY TO GIF A VIDEO OFF MY SHITTY OLD PHONE CAMERA. JUST IMAGINE HOW AMAZING AND SHINY THAT HOLOGRAM IS. KEEP IMAGINING BECAUSE THE ACTUAL HOLOGRAM IS JUST A FLAT PHOTO WITH SOME STOCK FANS IN THE STANDS AS A BACKGROUND SO WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT OF IS WAY BETTER. OL' RAY WAS A PRETTY DAMN GOOD PLAYER IN '96, LOTS OF WARS AND VORPS IN THAT STAT LINE ASSUMING THEY DON'T PENALIZE HIM FOR STEALS. I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN TOO LOUDLY COULDA BEEN TRAVIS FRYMAN I SUPPOSE. OR JERKASS JETER THE STATUE KILLER



SINCE I'M ALREADY LOW-KEY STEALING THORZUL'S SCHTICK WITH THE CAPSLOCK, HERE'S A ADVENT CAL CHRISTMAS TREE TO SHOW OFF ALL MY BEEG MOJO HEETZ

TIL TOMORROW MY BIRD BROTHERS UP IN A FRUIT TREE

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Sunday, October 29, 2017

omg Topps

seriously what the hell


distracted driving is very dangerous