I have no idea how to create pages but I'll figure it out eventually godammit

Thursday, October 17, 2019

A COMICS POST! JUST THE ADS

ALL I EVER DO NOWADAYS IS READ COMICS OR BUY COMICS AND NOT READ THEM OR THINK ABOUT READING THE COMICS I BOUGHT OR GO OUT TO LOOK FOR MORE COMICS TO NOT READ OR DODGE THE GIGANTIC PILE OF UNREAD COMICS THAT COLLAPSED BARELY AVERTING DEATH. A BIG REASON FOR THIS IS THAT IT IS WAY EASIER TO FIND CHEAP OLD COMICS THAN IT IS TO FIND CHEAP OLD CARDS. OR CARDS IN GENERAL FOR THAT MATTER. BILLY SUTER NOTICED ME RAMBLING ON ABOUT COMICS ON TWITTER AND KINDLY SENT ME A COMIC



DAREDEVIL! HERE HE COMES. NO FEAR. IN A LIVING PRISON! SO BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER I SHOULD GIVE FULL DISCLOSURE HERE AND TELL YOU ALL THAT I AM A DC GUY. TO BE SPECIFIC AN EC -> DC HORROR -> VERTIGO GUY. I LIKE THE SPOOKY MONSTERS THAT LIVE IN THE CREEPY OLD HOUSE WHO EAT YOUR HORRIBLE FACE. YOU KNOW LIKE THE VAULT OF HORROR, THE HOUSE OF SECRETS, THE SHED OF SATAN, THE OUTHOUSE OF EVISCERATION, THAT KINDA STUFF. ALSO: I JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT SUPERHEROES. I WAS A KID IN THE 70S AND 80S WHEN SUPERHERO COMICS WERE LUDICROUS AND STARTING TO GET EXPENSIVE AND IT WAS EASIER TO JUST WATCH THEM ON TV. AND MY COMIC MONEY WENT TO MAD MAGAZINE ANYWAY.

SO THAT BEING SAID, I HAVE NO NOSTALGIA FOR MARVEL SUPERHEROES UNLIKE LITERALLY THE ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD.  BUT I READ THE COMIC AND REALLY ENJOYED IT. WELL, THE ACTUAL STORY WAS OK. SOME SILLINESS ABOUT DOCTOR DOOM AND DAREDEVIL SWAPPING BODIES THROUGH SOME GIANT VACUUM-TUBE CONTRAPTION AND THEN HIJINX ENSUES. AND A GOOD HALF OF THE STORY REFERS TO STUFF THAT HAPPENED IN OTHER ISSUES TO ADD TO THE CONFUSION. BUT THE ADVERTISEMENTS WERE FANTASTIC! COOL OLD COMIC ADS ARE THE BEST! YOU READ THE POST TITLE, YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING

HERE ARE... ALL THE ADS


INSIDE FRONT COVER - FAYD ZIT ZAPPER CREAM

THIS ISSUE IS FROM MARCH, 1968 WHICH IS BEFORE MY COMIC-READING TIME BUT A LOT OF THE AD STYLES ARE FAMILIAR TO ME FROM READING PARODIES OF THEM IN  MY UNCLE'S OLD MAD MAGAZINES. MAD MAY HAVE PARODIED THIS EXACT AD BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'VE SEEN THIS SMILING UNBLEMISHED GIRL WITH THE SAD PIZZA-FACED SCHLUB OVER HER SHOULDER BEFORE. JUST TRY THIS NON-GREASY NON-STINKY SKIN WHITENING (??) GLOP FOR 7 DAYS AND YOU'LL BE DANCING AT THE SOCK HOP AGAIN AND HAVE A CLEAN PILLOWCASE TO BOOT. AT THREE BUCKS FOR 3 OUNCES, I FEEL THE AVERAGE COMIC BOOK READER WOULD SPEND THEIR MONEY ON SOMETHING MORE SENSIBLE. LIKE TWENTY-FIVE MORE COMICS

FOR REALS THOUGH WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MADE OUT OF IF IT ELIMINATES FRECKLES

NO I REALLY DON'T KNOW I WORE MY TEENAGED PIMPLES PRODULY AND SAVED MY MONEY FOR PACKS OF TOPPS


PAGE FIVE - MORE TRIUMPHS FOR MARVEL!

NOT BRAND ECHH WAS MARVEL'S PARODY COMIC MAKING FUN OF SUPERHEROES. THIS SHOULD BE RIGHT UP MY ALLEY WITH HOW I LOVE EARLY MAD COMICS AND PLOP, BUT I'VE NEVER READ ONE. IT ONLY LASTED FROM 1967-1969 AND YOU DON'T FIND THOSE COMICS IN QUARTER BOXES SO I'LL PROBABLY NEVER READ ANY. EVERYBODY KNOWS EXACTLY WHO NICK FURY AND SHIELD IS ALTHOUGH CONTEMPORARY FANS ARE WONDERING WHO'S THAT WHITE DUDE ON THE COVER. WHERE'S SAMUEL L. DAMMIT

ALSO FOR SOME REASON THERE'S SOME LEGALESE OVER ON THE SIDE WITH CIRCULATION TOTALS. LOOKS LIKE THE PREVIOUS ISSUE HAD 466,700 PRINTED, BUT ABOUT 150.000 WERE TRASHED. I NEED TO USE THE HIGH-POWER BIT ON MY MAGNIFYING GLASS TO READ THIS SO I'M NOT GOING TO READ ANY MORE OF THAT STUFF



PAGE SIX - ARE YOU A DUMBASS? MAIL FOR A FREE PAMPHLET! ASSUMING YOU CAN READ

DON BOLANDER WANTS YOU ALL TWO LEARNED TOO SPOKE AND WRITING ENLGISH MORE BETTER. IN FIFTEEN MINUTES A DAY YOU CAN SPEAK AND WRITE LIKE A COLLEGE GRADUATE WITHOUT THE HUNDRED GRAND IN STUDENT LOANS.. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD WHEN I SAW THIS AD BECAUSE IT WAS PARODIED IN ALAN MOORE'S 1963 SERIES FROM IMAGE, A SERIES I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. IF YOU NEED TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE MORE GOODER YOU CAN FIND DON'S BOOK ON AMAZON.  I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU CAN FIND THE ACTUAL PAMPHLET THOUGH



PAGE ELEVEN - U.S. GOVERNMENT SURPLUS CATALOG

FOR A BUCK YOU CAN GET A CATALOG FULL OF GOVERNMENT GOODIES FOR SALE. PARACHUTES! BOATS! HELMETS! AXES! BUNK BEDS! MINE DETECTORS! HAVERSACKS! SO MUCH NEAT STUFF IN THE ILLUSTRATION. COOL SUNGLASSES! TYPEWRITERS! A FUN HAT! HANDCUFFS! A CANNON! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ILLUSTRATION OF THE TINY MAN LEANING ON THE GIGANTIC ORB IN THE LOWER RIGHT CORNER IS SUPPOSED TO INDICATE BUT IT'S BUY IT. BEST OF ALL IF YOU SPEND TEN BUCKS  YOUR DOLLAR FOR THE CATALOG IS REFUNDED! WHO COULD POSSIBLY ONLY SPEND TEN BUCKS THOUGH WHEN YOU CAN BUY A DADGUM AIRPLANE FOR $158.00. I WANT ALL THE GOVERNMENT SWAG!!!

THIS BEING SAID THERE IS AN ACTUAL ARMY/NAVY SURPLUS STORE A FEW MILES DOWN THE ROAD AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN OVER 30 YEARS



PAGE SEVENTEEN - THE REASON FOR THIS POST

FRANK ZAPPA IS PART OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE. THIS IS CANON. BTOOOM! THERE'S A WHOLE LOT TO UNPACK HERE. THAT PORTRAIT OF FRANK NEEDS TO BE HANGING IN THE LOUVRE OR AT LEAST THE MÜTTER MUSEUM. THE TITLE IS MISSING THE APOSTROPHE BUT IT SHOWED UP IN 1974. I APPRECIATE HOW THE CATALOG NUMBER V/V65045X IS INCLUDED IN THE AD FOR THE RECORD NERDS. ZAPPA'S PREVIOUS ALBUMS FREAK OUT! AND ABSOLUTELY  FREE E  E  E     E    E GET SOME ADVERTISING AS WELL AND YOU MUST BUY ALL OF THESE PRODUCTS NOW! I ALREADY HAVE FREAK OUT AND ABSOLUTELY FREE ON CD AND WE'RE ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY ON VINYL SO NO LOSS OF STATUS FOR ME. I CAN CONFIRM THEY ARE ALL THRILLING CLEAN EXPENSIVE FUN

THE ALBUM ITSELF IS STILL PRETTY SUBVERSIVE ROASTING HIPPIES AND SQUARES ALIKE AND SATIRICALLY SHINING SOME LIGHT ON SOME HORRIBLE SHIT. IT WAS ALSO CENSORED TO ALL HELL. THE SARGENT PEPPER PARODY COVER WAS SWAPPED WITH THE GATEFOLD IMAGE BECAUSE THE RECORD COMPANY THOUGHT THE BEATLES WOULD SUE I GUESS? INSTEAD WE GET THE BAND IN DRAG FOR THE COVER WHICH YOU'D THINK WOULD BE MORE CONTROVERSIAL IN 1968 BUT WHAT DO I KNOW. MGM BUTCHERED A BUNCH OF THE SONGS TO CUT OUT BAD LANGUAGE OR LANGUAGE THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE BAD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH BUT THE GOOD STUFF WAS PUT BACK IN LATER ON SO YOU CAN HEAR THE IMMORTAL LYRICS:

BETTER LOOK AROUND BEFORE YOU SAY YOU DON'T CARE
SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH ABOUT THE LENGTH OF MY HAIR
HOW WOULD YOU SURVIVE
IF YOU WERE ALIVE
SHITTY LITTLE PERSON

MY FAVORITE VERSION OF THIS ALBUM IS THE CD WITH BOTH WE'RE ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY AND LUMPY GRAVY. PLOP THIS IN THE CD PLAYER AND HEAR THE WHOLE SHEBANG IN ONE SITTING. THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM, AT LEAST RIGHT THIS SECOND



ONE LAST THING BEFORE I MOVE ON WITH THIS INCREASINGLY ENORMOUS POST. THERE'S A COUPON TO FILL OUT AND SEND IN TO UNITED MUTATIONS. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD DO THIS, BUT YOU CAN LET EM KNOW HOW AND WHEN. DO YOU GET A CATALOG? A SIGNED PHOTOGRAPH OF FRANK ZAPPA WITH OFFICIAL AUTOGRAPH FORGED BY CAL SCHENKEL? PUT ON THE FBI'S UNAMERICAN MALCONTENTS LIST? SOMEONE GO BACK IN TIME AND SEND THIS IN AND LET ME KNOW. YOU DON'T NEED THE COUPON YOU CAN JUST WRITE A LETTER


PAGE TWENTY ONE - WHOLE BUNCHA JUNK

WE'VE REACHED THE CLASSIFIED ADS SECTION OF THE COMIC. AS WE REACH THE END OF THE STORIES THE ADS COME FAST AND FURIOUS. THE LAST SIX PAGES OF THE BOOK IS ALL ADS AND LETTERS PAGES. THIS IS HOW THEY TRICK YA. HERE'S A LINE OR TWO ON EACH AD BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE WRITING THIS POST FOR NINE HOURS

COLUMN ONE:
THE ONLY JFK SILVER HALF DOLLAR SET ONLY $5.99 FOR $1.82 WORTH OF COINS. YOU CAN GET AN UNCIRCULATED SET FOR ABOUT 30 BUCKS BUY IT NOW ON EBAY SO A BETTER INVESTMENT THAN ZIT CREAM 

FREE PAMPHLET TO LEARN HOW TO WRITE SONGS GOOD WITH THE MORE GOODEST ENGLISH YOU LEARNED FROM DON

SECRET SPY SCOPE FOR $1.98 WITH FREE MICROSCOPE TO READ THE TEXT IN THIS AD AND A FREE LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT TO WARD OFF BEING ARRESTED FOR PEEKING AT LADIES ON THE TOILET WITH A PEN-SIZED TELESCOPE

FIFTY CENTS FOR A LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN GET FOR FREE. WHAT A COUNTRY

ALSO FIFTY CENTS FOR A CATALOG OF AMAZING HOUDINI MAGIC TRICKS THAT EVEN MAGICIANS DON'T KNOW. THE DOODLE OF AN ILLUSIONIST AND HIS FLOATY ASSISTANT IS MY FAVORITE ON THE PAGE

IF YOUR CRAZY UNCLE FINDS YOUR COMIC, HE CAN USE THIS AD AND SEND HIS WACKIEST IDEAS TO KANSAS CITY AND GET RICH! ON HIS SUPER USEFUL INVENTION IDEAS. ASSUMING THESE GUYS JUST DON'T STEAL THE IDEA. SHOULDA GOT A PATENT, UNC

COLUMN TWO:
I HAVE NO SNARK FOR ESTES MODEL ROCKETS, THOSE THINGS ARE COOL AS HELL AND IF YOU'VE NEVER BUILT AND SHOT ONE OFF YOU SHOULD DO SO

 IF YOUR CRAZY UNCLE SENSITIVE BROTHER FINDS YOUR COMIC, HE CAN USE THIS AD AND SEND HIS WACKIEST IDEAS  INSPIRING BALLADS TO KANSAS CITY BOSTON AND GET RICH! ON HIS SUPER USEFUL INVENTION POPULAR SONG IDEAS. ASSUMING THESE GUYS JUST DON'T STEAL THE IDEA. SHOULDA GOT A PATENT COPYRIGHT, UNC BRO

MINI MOTORCYCLE CATALOG FOR A BUCK OR A PAMPHLET FOR A QUARTER. SPLURGE FOR THE CATALOG YA CHEAPSKATE

COLUMN THREE:
LOOK AT THE SUPER ISOMETRICS AD ILLUSTRATION AND TELL ME THAT THIS WASN'T AN INSPIRATION FOR MONTY PYTHON'S DYNAMO TENSION ANIMATION. I'D LINK IT BUT IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE ONLINE. IT'S IN SEASON 1, EPISODE 5

FREE CATALOG FOR NOT AT ALL SHADY HOME IMPORT BUSINESS. YOU KNOW, FOR KIDS

$12.95 FOR AN ELECTRIC GUITAR SEEMS LIKE A DECENT DEAL TO ME. FORGET THE IMPORT BUSINESS GO START A BAND, KID

BOTTOM ROW:

C  O  M  I  C      C  O  L  L  E  C  T  O  R  S
50 CENTS FOR A BACK ISSUE CATALOG PLUS A SASE SEEMS A BIT PRICEY BUT WHERE ELSE YA GONNA FIND BACK ISSUES IN 1968? AIN'T NO LCS BACK THEN

WHICH ONE YA GONNA BUY: 350 ASSORTED KRAZY LABELS OR FIFTY COLORFUL BIKE DECALS FOR A BUCK? I WANT TO SAY I'D CHOOSE THE COOL SKULL DECAL BUT I KNOW I'D BE CHEAP AND GO FOR THE CRUMMY STAMPS. THERE'S 350 OF THEM!


PAGE TWENTY TWO - OH MY GOD

TWENTY EIGHT ADS!!! I HAVE A 1D10, THE NUMBER ROLLED IS THE NUMBER OF WORDS I WRITE FOR EACH AD. HERE GOES NOTHIN'

COLUMN ONE:
FOAM INSERTS FOR SHORT DUDES

THIS COMIC LIST IS ONLY TEN CENTS!

THROW YOUR VOICE FREE! OR YOUR MONEY BACK

ANOTHER SONG WRITING SCAM NOW WITH NAME-DROPPING

ED SALE'S SECRET SYSTEM! 3 BUCKS

SUCK YO FACE CLEAN

COLUMN TWO:
1968 VERSION OF THE BOWMAN GUARANTEE

ANOTHER COMIC LIST $1, THIS ONE HAS CHARLTON!

FREE* STAMPS

NOT FREE STAMPS BUT THEY'RE UP FRONT ABOUT IT

LAVOPTIK IS A GREAT WORD

ENOUGH WITH THE POEMS

BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRR

ART TRACING PROJECTOR DOOHICKEY $1.98

COLUMN THREE:
MORE STAMPS ON APPROVAL MY GOD

AGAIN! MORE FREAKING STAMPS ON APPROVAL KILL ME

WTF THIS ENTIRE ROW IS STAMPS ON APPROVAL

EXCEPT FOR 20 DIFFERENT TRIANGLES FOR TWENTY FIVE CENTS. I WANT TO SEND THEM A QUARTER JUST ON PRINCIPLE

THERE'S ALSO FREE STAMPS WITH NO APPROVAL BUT THEY'RE FROM CANADA. NO MORE STAMPS IN THIS COMIC I BEG YOU MARVEL


PAGE TWENTY SEVEN - NO STAMPS THANK THE MAKER

MY REWARD FOR (MOSTLY) SLOGGING THROUGH THE TINY CLASSIFIED ADS IS A PAGE WITH TWO ICONIC HALL OF FAME COMIC ADVERTISEMENTS. FIRST, LET'S SELL GRIT, AMERICA'S GREATEST FAMILY NEWSPAPER. GRIT HAD A CIRCULATION OF OVER A MILLION COPIES WHEN THIS AD WAS PUBLISHED. THIS AD WAS IN EVERY COMIC BOOK EVER PRINTED. PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE, EVERY SINGLE COMIC BOOK. WITH OR WITHOUT ADS, THEY ALL HAVE GRIT. EVEN IF YOU DON'T SEE IT, IT'S THERE SUBLIMINALLY. THERE IS NO COMIC WITHOUT GRIT. GRIT IS LOVE. GRIT IS LIFE. GRIT IS ALL. GRIT IS STILL PUBLISHED! BUT IT'S A MAGAZINE NOW

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SINGLE ISSUE OF GRIT ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME AND I AM CONVINCED I NEVER WILL

WALLACE W. REUMANN WILL MAKE YOU A MASTER OF KARATE. THIS DUDE AND COUNT DANTE WERE ALL OVER COMIC BOOKS BACK IN THE DAY. I CAN BARELY READ THE TEXT ON THIS THING EVEN WITH THE HIGH-POWERED MAGNIFYING GLASS BUT WALLACE WAS APPARENTLY THE ONLY KARATE INSTRUCTOR IN UPSTATE NEW YORK RECOGNIZED BY THE INTERNATIONAL KARATE FEDERATION IN TOKYO. HE DIDN'T TEACH KARATE BUT SUPER KARATE. HIS INSTRUCTION BOOK IS FOR SALE FOR NINETY NINE CENTS PLUS SHIPPING BUT IF YOU ALSO BUY THE GIANT LIFE SIZE PRACTICE DUMMY SHIPPING IS FREE! IF YOU MISSED OUT ON THIS THE PAMPHLET IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON FOR 40 BUCKS

THE ACTUAL COMIC ENDED ON PAGE TWENTY SIX SO THE REST OF THE ADS WERE ONLY SEEN BY THE HARD CORE LETTER READING FANS


PAGE TWENTY NINE - MOICHENDIZING 

MARVEL GOTTA SELL THAT SWAG. WE GOT THE T-SHIRTS, SWEAT SHIRTS AND FAN CLUB UP FOR SALE HERE. THE T-SHIRT DESIGNS ARE MORE OR LESS THE SAME ONES YOU'D SEE TODAY: CAPTAIN MARVEL, THE FANTASTIC FOUR, THE AVENGERS, THOR, SPIDER-MAN, IRON MAN, THE INCREDIBLE HULK. UNLIKE TODAY, THERE'S EXACTLY TWO WOMEN ON THE ENTIRE PAGE AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY BLACK PANTHER SHIRT. FOR SOME REASON THE SWEATSHIRTS ONLY COME IN HULK AND THE THING FLAVORS. I GUESS BECAUSE SWEATSHIRTS ARE CHUNKIER MAYBE? I CAN SEE MY YOUNGER SELF WEARING A HULK SHIRT, I WAS PRETTY CHUNKY MYSELF. THE MERRY MARVEL MARCHING SOCIETY MEMBERSHIP KIT LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD DEAL FOR A BUCK. IT COSTS EIGHT COMICS AND CHANGE BUT YOU GET A RECORD, STICKERS, NOTE PAD AND PENCIL, A MAGNILOQUENT (???) MINI BOOK, A MAJESTIC CERTIFICATE AND MUNIFICENT MARVEL MEMBERSHIP CARD. GOOD GRIEF, MARVEL, ENOUGH WITH THE ALLITERATION. THIS IS WHY I READ TRASHY DC CRAP

SILLY MATH EXERCISE: A MARVEL COMIC COST TWELVE CENTS AND A T-SHIRT WAS A BUCK SIXTY MEANING ONE T-SHIRT IS WORTH THIRTEEN AND ONE THIRD COMICS. AT TODAY'S COMIC PRICES THAT WOULD MAKE A T-SHIRT COST SIXTY SIX DOLLARS AND FIFTY THREE CENTS


PAGE THIRTY TWO - FIRST BALLOT INAUGURAL CLASS UNANIMOUS HALL OF FAME ADVERTISEMENT

THERE WERE AT LEAST HALF A DOZEN PERMUTATIONS OF THIS AD IF NOT MORE AND THEY WERE ALL FANTASTIC. REVOLUTIONARY WAR, WORLD WAR TWO, ROMAN EMPIRE, CIVIL WAR. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ALL THE DIFFERENT PLASTIC ARMY MAN SETS THESE DUDES SOLD THEY WERE ALL ADVERTISED IN THE BACK OF COMICS AND THEY ALL LOOKED AMAZING. WELL, THE ADS LOOKED AMAZING, I NEVER BOUGHT ONE OF THE SETS TO FIND OUT IF THE ACTUAL TOYS LOOKED AMAZING. THE DESCRIPTION WAS AMAZING AT LEAST, SO MANY SOLDIERS! SO MANY DIFFERENT TYPES! INFANTRYMEN! SHOOTING, MARCHING, CROUCHING AND CHARGING! SHARPSHOOTERS! CANNONS! FIFERS AND DRUMMERS! MINUTEMEN, MOHAWKS AND HESSIANS! RATFINK OFFICERS WAY IN THE BACK! DRAGOOOOONS!!! THIS AD POKES EVERY NOSTALGIA GLAND IN MY BRAIN WITH A BAYONET


INSIDE BACK COVER - HONOR HOUSE TREASURE CHEST

SPEAKING OF ADVERTISEMENT HALL OF FAMERS, IT'S THESE GUYS. EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PEDDLER OF CRAP. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER METICULOUSLY DOCUMENTED EVERY AD IN A COMIC BOOK AND I'VE FOUND THREE ITEMS ON THIS PAGE WHICH ARE FOUND ELSEWHERE IN THE BOOK. THE KARATE PAMPHLET PROBABLY ISN'T THE SAME AS MR. REUMANN'S SUPER KARATE. HOWEVER THE SUPER SPY SCOPE AND THROW YOUR VOICE PAMPHLET ARE FOUND ELSEWHERE AT THE SAME PRICE. THE SELLER IS STABRYM- 147-47-6A WHITESTONE NY WHICH AS FAR AS I CAN TELL IS UNGOOGLEABLE. I HAVEN'T TRIED BING. MAYBE AN HONOR HOUSE ALIAS? FOR THE REST OF THE PAGE I WILL STATE WHETHER I WOULD WANT TO BUY THE ITEM USING MY DERANGED 8 YEAR OLD THOUGHT PROCESSES

MAGIC CARDS - A MARKED DECK OF CARDS WITH INSTRUCTIONS FOR MAGIC TRICKS? HELL YES. WAIT, TWO BUCKS? PASS

JACK POT BANK - PLAY GAMBLING, YES PLEASE. I'LL WASTE MY YOUTH PLAYING THE SLOTS WHILE I DOWN ROOT BEER AND CANDY CIGARETTES. BUY

SURPRISE PACKAGE - IT COULD BE ANYTHING! I MIGHT GET A SUBMARINE! BUY

BOOMERANG - I ACTUALLY HAD A BOOMERANG WHEN I WAS A KID. IT NEVER CAME BACK. AT BEST IT CURVED SLIGHTLY. PASS

SMOKE BOMB - I WASN'T BIG ON THE PYROTECHNICS AT THAT AGE. PASS

SKIN HEAD WIG - WHO'S GONNA BELIEVE AN EIGHT YEAR OLD IS BALD? PASS

JOY BUZZER - ESSENTIAL EQUIPMENT FOR THE YOUNG PRANKSTER. BUY

COMPLETE POWERED DRAG RACING KIT - EVEN IN MY ADDLED MIDDLE AGED MIND I LOOK AT THIS AD AND HAVE VISIONS OF AN ACTUAL REAL HOT ROD BLAZING DOWN THE STREET. EVEN THOUGH IT'S OBVIOUSLY A COUPLE OF TOY RACE CARS AND A PLASTIC STARTING GATE AND FINISH LINE TOY CARS ARE SUPER FUN. BUY

THICK BLACK SOAP - I MEAN, SOAP MAKING YOU MORE DIRTY IS HILARIOUS IN CONCEPT BUT WHO WAS I ACTUALLY GONNA TRICK WITH THIS? MY GRANDMOTHER? THAT'S A DOUCHEY THING TO DO. PASS

MONEYMAKER - I ACTUALLY REMEMBER MY THOUGHT PROCESSES ON THIS ONE. YOU PUT IN PAPER AND OUT COMES MONEY??? I COULD BE RICH! BUT HOW DOES IT WORK? EVENTUALLY I FIGURED OUT THAT I HAD TO PROVIDE THE DOLLAR, FIVER AND TENNER THAT GOES IN THE BOX FOR THE TRICK TO WORK. IF I HAD 16 DOLLARS I'D ALREADY BE RICH. PASS

EXHAUST WHISTLE - I KNEW EARLY ON THROUGH EXTENSIVE READING OF CAR TOONS MAGAZINE THAT YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH A MAN'S CAR. PASS

SECRET BOOK SAFE - I LOVE BOOKS! I LOVE SECRETS!! I NEED THIS!!! BUY

SECRET SPY SCOPE - IF I WANTED THIS I'D BUY IT FROM THE SHADY UNGOOGLEABLE GUY AND GET A FREE RABBIT'S FOOT. PASS

X-RAY-SPECS - THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST ICONIC COMIC BOOK TRASH ITEM IN EXISTENCE. I WISH I HAD BOUGHT THIS WHEN I WAS A KID. I'D BE WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW. BUY BUY BUY

MAKE YOUR OWN "KOOKY" T-SHIRTS - ON A BASIC LEVEL, DYI T-SHIRT IRON ON TRANSFERS WAS EXTREMELY MY THING WHEN I WAS A KID BUT ALL THESE "ZANY" SLOGANS SUCK. PASS

WHOOPIE CUSHION - SEE JOY BUZZER. ESSENTIAL. BUY
TRY TO TRICK MY FRIENDS WITH NASTY GUM. I WOULD ALSO END UP CHEWING 4 OF THE STICKS MYSELF. BUY

I JUST SPENT $6.68 IN IMAGINARY 1968 MONEY ON A PILE OF TRASH. FOR THAT MONEY YOU COULD BUY A T206 HONUS WAGNER OR A COPY OF EVERY MICKEY MANTLE CARD EVER PRINTED UP TO THAT POINT


BACK COVER - NORMAN ROCKWELL WANTS YOUR DRAWINGS

I'M MORE FAMILIAR WITH THE ART INSTRUCTION SCHOOL ADS WHERE YOU DRAW TIPPY THE TURTLE AND THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES LOGO BUT THIS SCHOOL HAD NORMAL ROCKWELL STAR POWER. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN THIS AD AND ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA THE SCHOOL FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY IN 1972 WHICH MIGHT BE WHY. THIS POST HAS TAKEN FOREVER TO WRITE SO IN LIEU OF NORMAN ROCKWELL SLANDER I AM GOING TO SEARCH FOR THE FAMOUS ARTISTS ALUMNI MENTIONED IN THE AD ON THE INTERNET AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND

CARL KOCK - THIS WAS A RISKY SEARCH BUT TURNED OUT GREAT. CARL HAS DONE AD WORK AND FINE ART AND I REALLY DIG HIS STYLE

HOWARD SANDEN - JOHN HOWARD SANDEN IS A PORTRAIT ARTIST WHO HAS PAINTED A BUNCH OF FAMOUS PEOPLE INCLUDING GEORGE W. AND LAURA BUSH. WHEN YOUR STUFF IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE THAT'S PRETTY LEGIT

PAUL SULLIVAN - THERE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE MANED PAUL SULLIVAN INCLUDING THE ART DIRECTOR OF THE BOOK OF LIFE. MAYBE IT'S THIS PAUL SULLIVAN? I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW

KATHLEEN GIRONDA - DIDN'T FIND MUCH HERE, THREE OF THE TOP RESULTS WERE THIS AD. THERE IS A KATHLEEN GIRONDA ON PINTREST THAT IS SUPER INTO QUILTS

JAMES RYAN - TOUGH WHEN YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE WHO SHARES A NAME WITH AN ACTOR AND A FOOTBALLER. A SEARCH FOR ARTISTS ISN'T MUCH BETTER, THERE'S TOO MANY RYANS TO CHOOSE FROM

HELEN TRYK - SADLY THE FIRST RESULT WAS AN OBITUARY BUT IT CONFIRMS HELEN WAS AN PAINTER AND SCULPTOR.ALSO FOUND A COPYRIGHT FOR A CERAMIC FIGURINE CALLED 'FLOWER BABIES' DEPICTING A HOOFED (?!) BABY SITTING ON A STUMP. I TRIED HARD (EVEN USED BING THIS TIME) BUT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL IN FINDING A FIGURINE OF A SATYR BABY SITTING ON A STUMP

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS ADVERTISEMENT RETROSPECTIVE BECAUSE IT TOOK HOURS AND I'M NEVER DOING A POST LIKE THIS AGAIN. SOMEONE TEACH ME HOW TO BLOGS ABOUT COMIC PLEASE

*NOT FREE

4 comments:

Brett Alan said...

Holy crap, that Zappa ad is amazing! I remember long ago I had an Archie comic with an ad for a *bootleg* live Beatles album complete with "Paperback Rider" (sic).

I remember those war figures ads in my comics as well. Neat.

Fuji said...

A. Due to time restrictions... I only read the first eight paragraphs. Gotta bookmark this post and come back and read the rest.

B. That cover looks awesome!

C. Back in the late 70's to the mid 80's, I was a Mad Magazine guy too.

D. I made my mom buy a variety of acne medicine. Not sure if any of it actually worked though.

Jon said...

The whole time I was reading this, I kept thinking "Wow, this post must have taken hours to write!", and sure enough... it apparently did! This is why when most folks do comic book ad posts, they just focus on one or two specific things :)

RAZ said...

I'm guessing that the guy leaning on the giant orb was exhibiting the giant balloon listed on the left side of the ad for $1.38.