ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CARDMAS

FIIIIIIIIVE GOOOOLDEN TURKEYS

I'VE BEEN WATCHING MST3K INSTEAD OF WRITING THESE POSTS, BE LAZY KIDS, NOTHING REALLY MATTERS

SO THE ORIGINAL CONCEPT OF THIS POST WAS TO OPEN A PACK OF MY FAVORITE NON-SPORTS SET AND TURN THE TERROR OF DINOSAUR SLAUGHTER INTO A METAPHOR FOR THE ACTUAL HORROR THAT HAPPENED IN 2018. THE CARD WITH HUNTERS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTING EACH OTHER WHILE A DUCKBILL NIBBLES THEIR GUTS REPRESENTS GUN CONTROL FAILURES AND THE ONE WHERE A T-REX EATS A LION AT THE ZOO REFLECTS THE GUTTING OF THE EPA WHILE RICH FUCKERS GO ON SAFARI AND KILL ENDANGERED ANIMALS. THEN I SAT DOWN TO WRITE IT AND THOUGHT: FUCK THIS SHIT, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN INSTEAD.

SO INSTEAD I SNAGGED THE FIRST PACK I FOUND WITH FIVE CARDS IN IT AND NOW YOU HAVE

 2008 PLAYGROUND MANIACS SPEED RACER COLLECTIBLE CLEAR CARD GAME

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS IS EITHER BUT YOU CAN GET BOXES ONLINE FOR LIKE 12 BUCKS. THIS HAS CLASSIC AND 'NEXT GENERATION' CARDS WHICH MAY EXPLAIN THE ROBOT MONKEY ON THE PACK. I APPROVE OF ALL MONKEY SHENANIGANS, ROBOT OR OTHERWISE, SO THIS PACK IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS. PLUS YOU CAN FIND RANDOMLY INSERTED HOLOGRAPHIC GLITTER CLEAR CARDS. THAT IS A *LOT* OF DESCRIPTORS FOR A COLLECTIBLE GAME CARD.

DID I MENTION THESE ARE CLEAR CARDS?? 5 CLEAR CARDS PER PACK 110 CLEAR CARDS TO COLLECT AS WELL AS 20 HOLOGRAPHIC CLEAR CARDS.WHERE ARE THE FUCKING HOLOGRAPHIC GLITTER CLEAR CARDS???? I HAVE TO KNOW. ANYWAY THESE CARDS ARE CLEEEEEEAAAAARRRRR. LET'S RIP

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD CHECK OUT THIS HAPPY HAPPY BOY.
SO THE FIRST CARD OUT OF THE PACK IS NOT VERY CLEAR, IS NOT HOLOGRAPHIC, NO STINKING GLITTER AT ALL AND IS BARELY TRANSLUCENT IF YOU HOLD IT UP TO THE LIGHT BUT IT'S KINDA METALLY LOOKING AND MADE OF PLASTIC AND THIS DUDE LOOKS SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY. LET'S FLIP THE CARD AND SEE WHAT'S THIS GUY'S DEAL

IT'S AN SP WITHOUT BEING HOLOGRAPHIC OR GLITTERY SO THAT'S THREE POTENTIAL INSERT SETS FOR THIS SET. A GOOGLE SEARCH FOUND 6 RESULTS SO WHO KNOWS IF THERE'S A CHECKLIST FLOATING AROUND THE DARK WEB SOMEWHERE. I SHALL ASSUME METAL MARK MEGLATRON IS RARER THAN HONUS AND MY RETIREMENT IS ASSURED. MARK LOVES EVIL AND WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW IT. ONLY THAT JERKASS WITH THE ROBOT MONKEY CAN SPOIL HIS FUN. LEAVE HIM ALONE SPEED RACER, LET HIM BE EEEEEVIL

SOME PROFESSOR DUDE. THIS CARD IS DEFINITELY CLEAR AND PLASTIC. ARMAND IS NOT A HAPPY BOY. HE IS ENTIRELY TOO SERIOUS IN HIS CLEARNESS. BUT IS HE EEEEEEVIL?

THE PROFESSOR IS VERY OFFENSIVE BUT HIS EVIL LEVELS ARE UNKNOWN. IS THE ACADEMY EVIL? IS THIS LIKE A STATE DRIVING COLLEGE OR A FOR-PROFIT ONLINE ACADEMY WHERE YOU GET 120K IN DEBT TO GET A MEANINGLESS DEGREE THAT HR DEPARTMENTS LAUGH AT. THAT'S PRETTY DAMN EVIL. THE PROFESSOR'S DRIVING STATS ARE THE EQUAL OF MERRY MARK MEGLATRON'S SO I'M GOING TO ASSUME THEY ARE RIVALS AND HAVE PROLONGED ANIME FIGHTS THAT LAST 17 EPISODES. WITH CARS.

HEY THERE'S THE CAR I RECOGNIZE
THIS APPEARS TO BE A CARD DEDICATED TO HEADLIGHTS
I HAVE NO JOKE FOR THIS

BUTTON E ACTIVATES SPECIAL ILLUMINATING LIGHTS THAT ALLOW FOR CLEARER VISION. YEP, HEADLIGHTS. THEY ALSO GIVE YOU 70 SKILL WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS

TOP DRIVER'S CAR. FOR TOP DRIVERS ONLY. IT IS UNCLEAR IF TOP DRIVER IS A CHARACTER IN THE SHOW. THE NAMES OF THE MAIN GUYS IN THE SHOW ARE SPEED RACER AND RACER X SO IF SOME DUDE PULLED UP IN THIS WHIP AND INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS DRIVER, TOP DRIVER I WOULDN'T BAT AN EYE

 OK SO THIS IS GENERIC SCHOOL CAR APPARENTLY. BETTER THAN JUST THE HEADLIGHTS I GUESS

 BEAR CARS!!! WITH CLAWS AND CHOMPING TEETH. ABOUT TO MOW THE LAWN? I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE. BUT BEAR CARS!!!!! THE SALMON CARS ARE FUUUUUCKED

OH NO! THEY CRASHED! POOR BEARS. STUPID SLUDGE. THIS IS ALL SCOTT PRUITT'S FAULT, I'M SURE

I SOMEHOW ACCIDENTALLY UPLOADED A RANDOM MARK MCLEMORE CARD
MY STUPID IS YOUR GAIN

SO IN SUMMARY, HERE ARE FIVE CARDS FOR A COLLECTIBLE CARD GAME. MOST OF THE CARDS ARE SEE THROUGH. THERE ARE NO RULES, BUT THE ONLY GAME ELEMENTS ARE A SPEED AND SKILL NUMBER. OH, AND YOU CAN PRESS THE E BUTTON FOR HEADLIGHTS. A FUN GAME FOR ALL AGES FEATURING A HAPPY HAPPY EVIL BOY, CARS, AND MAYBE A ROBOT MONKEY.

TIL NEXT TIM-

DAMMIT ELIAS, THERE'S 7 MORE DAYS OF CARDMAS, DIE AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. HELEN, TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM