ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CARDMAS

🎶 I'M WATCHING ANIME 🎶

BACK ON SCHEDULE, NO MORE YELLING ABOUT SPORTS OR POLITICS. STICKING TO NON-SPORTS FOR THIS ONE

1992 O-PEE-CHEE WACKY PACKAGES

WACKY PACKAGES ARE ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE HAD A MASSIVE INFLUENCE IN MY LIFE BUT DUE TO TIME AND CIRCUMSTANCE EVADED ME. THE ORIGINAL SERIES HIT BIG AND DIED OUT RIGHT BEFORE I CONTRACTED THE DEBILITATING COLLECTING VIRUS. I REMEMBER OLDER KIDS SHOWING OFF THEIR COLLECTIONS TO ME BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES COULD I TOUCH. A WISE DECISION BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE INSTA-PEELED THEIR BEST ONE AND STUCK IT ON MY BUTT BECAUSE I WAS A DESTRUCTIVE LITTLE SHIT. WHEN THEY WERE REBOOTED IN THE EARLY NINETIES, I WAS ALREADY PERMANENTLY ON TEAM GARBAGE PAIL KIDS AND THERE WAS PREMIUM SPORTS BRANDS TO SUCK UP MY MONEY ANYWAY. NO NON-SPORT FOR ME. THIS PACK CAME IN A GIGANTIC LOT OF NON-SPORTS CARDS I PICKED UP FROM A SELLER AT THE LOCAL FLEA MARKET WHO WAS PACKING UP AND MOVING TO FLORIDA. IT WAS THE ONLY WACKY PACKAGES CARDS IN THE WHOLE LOT. SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON'T WORK OUT

Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS

I'M REASONABLY CERTAIN THAT ALL OF THE ELEMENTS ON THIS CARD CAN BE FOUND ON GARBAGE PAIL KIDS FROM THE 80S. GARBAGE PAIL KID BEING TORTURED. GARBAGE PAIL KKKID IN A HOOD. BONDAGE PAIL KID IN FISHNET STOCKINGS. DON'T THINK THEY WERE PARODYING BRANDS IN GPK BACK THEN BUT THEY SURE AS HELL ARE NOW AND I'D BE SHOCKED IF THERE ISN'T A VANNA WHITE PAIL KIDS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. SEEING IT ALL AT ONCE IN THE FIRST CARD OUT OF THE PACK IS A TOUCH SURREAL EVEN THOUGH HASBRO PROBABLY SELLS A FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY LICENSED BOARD GAME THAT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE THIS BOX.

REAL TALK: MICRO MACHINES ARE THE BEST TOY EVER AND I WISH I STILL HAD THE TINY RED CAR I PLAYED WITH CONSTANTLY IN CLASS MY JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. YES I SAID HIGH SCHOOL. I ALSO APPRECIATE THE ED ROTH VIBE COMING FROM THESE WHEELY GERMS. I'D PLAY WITH THESE SUCKERS RIGHT NOW, PLAGUE BE DAMNED

FUCK YEAH VIDEO GAME REFERENCE. CHECK OUT LUIGI CUSSING OUT HIS BROTHER. CLASSIC LUIGI. AT FIRST I THOUGHT THIS WAS MAKING FUN OF THE GAME BUT ON FURTHER INSPECTION THAT'S A DANG VIDEOTAPE SPILLING OUT OF THAT BOX. THIS ISN'T DOKI DOKI PANIC WITH MARIO CHARACTERS SLAPPED ON FOR THE U.S. MARKET, THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE. THAT FINAL TEASER SCENE WHERE THE PRINCESS SHOWS UP WITH A CLIFFHANGER FINALLY PAYS OFF. OH HOW I WISH I COULD REACH IN THIS STICKER AND PLOP THAT TAPE INTO MY VHS PLAYER

THIS RIGHT HERE IS ICONIC. SO MUCH HAPPENING ON THIS STICKER, IT'S GLORIOUS. MOCKING A BELOVED CHILDREN'S AUTHOR. A PUN THAT MAKES FUN OF THE AUTHOR'S NAME USING AN EXOTIC DISH (FOR 1992 AT LEAST, YOU CAN GET THAT SHIT AT GAS STATIONS NOW) THAT STICKS WITH THE FISHY THEME. CAT IN THE HAT ENCOURAGING CHILD LARCENY. NOT ONE BUT TWO JOKES AT THE EXPENSE OF DOG-EAT-DOG FISH-EAT-FISH CAPITALISM WHILE A SMUG AS HELL COMMIEFISH GIVES YOU A KNOWING LOOK. THIS STICKER IS SUBVERSIVE AS FUCK

THIS JOKE HASN'T AGED AS WELL BUT THOSE OF A CERTAIN AGE CAN APPRECIATE IT. THE GREEN DOLLARS AND BULLETS 1-WAY VOMIT SPEW IS A NICE TOUCH

VHS AND UNIVERSAL MONSTERS. THIS STICKER IS HITTING ALL MY HAPPY PLACES. AND THERE'S SO MANY GODDAMN PUNS. I SAW MUSIC RECORDING AND THOUGHT 'THIS IS A VHS TAPE NOT A CASSETTE' THEN I SAW WRAP MUSIC AND I DIED.

STRAIGHT UP DIED.

I AM NOW MUMMY.

TIME FOR THE BACKS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS DISGUSTS ME AND I REFUSE TO COMMENT ON IT

THIS ONE'S EVEN WORSE. AND ONLY 4 CENTS OFF WTF. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT THIS MEANS THAT THESE JOKES ARE 100% EFFECTIVE. GOOD SHOW, DISGUSTING BACK-OF-CARD COUPON PARODY JOKE WRITER AND ILLUSTRATOR

THE REST OF THE PACK ARE PUZZLE PIECES. THIS IS THE CLOSEST I COULD GET TO A COMPLETED IMAGE. IT APPEARS THAT THIS IS MOCKING THE BAZOOKA BRAND OF BUBBLE GUM BY COMPARING IT TO ACTUAL CONCRETE. MAN, IF THAT STUFF WAS CONCRETE THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THE GUM THEY PUT INTO THE PACKS???

TIL TOMORROW MY GOOSES BEING INAPPROPRIATE