ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CARDMAS

MY HEADPHONES DIED AND I WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD

LET'S OPEN A PACK TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THESE TINNY REPLACEMENT EARBUDS

2008 TOPPS BASEBALL UPDATES AND HIGHLIGHTS PRESENTS TOPPS HERITAGE HIGH NUMBER SERIES MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL 6 HERITAGE HIGH NUMBER CARDS + 2 UPDATES & HIGHLIGHTS CARDS + 1 STICK OF BUBBLE GUM PACKS WITH A RELIC CARD CONTAIN 6 CARDS NO PURCHASE NECESSARY VISIT US @ WWW.TOPPS.COM OR CALL 1-888-GO-TOPPS ALSO VISIT MLB.COM AND MLBPLAYERS.COM COUTESY OF ENCORE SPORTS AND ENTERTAINMENT LLC ALLERGY INFORMATION: CONTAINS COY INGREDIENTS GUM MADE IN CHINA

OH GOD THIS UTTER UTTER BULLSHIT

GET EVERYONE IN A BUYING FRENZY TO COMPLETE THEIR UPDATES & HIGHLIGHTS TRADED SET AND THEN FOIST THIS NONSENSE ON THEM WHERE TWO HERITAGE HIGH CARDS ARE REPLACED WITH SHIT YOU ALREADY HAVE. BUT YOU ALREADY BOUGHT 300 PACKS OF HERITAGE AND YOU'RE ONLY 72 SHORT PRINTS AWAY FROM THE SET SO YOU GOTTA BUY THIS TOO OR YOU'RE A BAD HERITAGE COLLECTOR. BEN HENRY WAS RIGHT, HERITAGE SHOULDA DIED AFTER THIS SET.

SHORT PRINTS 1:3 IS UTTER BULLSHIT GARBAGE CHICANERY SHENANIGANS
I HATE THIS. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS PACK. I SHOULD TOSS IT IN THE BIN AND THROW THE BIN IN THE GARBAGE CAN AND THE GARBAGE CAN IN THE DUMPSTER AND SET THE DUMPSTER ON FIRE. WELL LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH

TROY PERCIVAL, RAYS LEGEND. MORE SAVES THAN ROLLIE, BRUCE AND GOOSE BUT 358 SAVES AND 7 BUCKS WILL GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE FLAVORED CORN SYRUP AT STARBUCKS.

ROOKIE STAR CARD JUST IN TIME FOR DARRELL'S LAST YEAR IN THE BIGS. OH WAIT, THIS SET WAS RELEASED IN DECEMBER, TOO LATE. THANKS TOPPS

BRAVES TRADED SUPER PROSPECT WILSON BETEMIT FOR THIS GUY AND HE LITERALLY FELL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH BEFORE ENDING UP WITH THE RAYS. THIS PACK IS NOTHING BUT PAIN

...

...

ALL RIGHTY THEN

ANOTHER BRAVES SHORT-TIMER FROM THE DISMAL YEARS. WE ONLY GAVE UP A RULE-5 GUY FOR HIM THOUGH SO WHATEVS

AAAAY AN INSERT. OF A FUTURE ALL-STAR EVEN. HOWCOME HIS BASEBALL-REFERENCE PHOTO HAS HIM IN A DODGERS CAP WHEN HE NEVER GOT CALLED UP FROM OKLAHOMA CITY. SOMEONE SHOULD CLEAN THAT MESS UP

HEY IT'S WILSON, BRAVES SUPER PROSPECT. SOMETIME SUPER PROSPECTS TURN INTO DECENT BENCH PIECES. REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOUR TEAM TRADES YOUR FAVORITE SUPER PROSPECT

REMEMBER WHEN THAT DUDE IMPERSONATED FERNANDO TATIS ON TWITTER AND USED HIS ILL-GOTTEN FAME TO TWEET OUT AMAZING MSPAINT ART

I MISS THOSE DAYS

OH GODDAMMIT IT'S A STUPID BLACK INK PARALLEL
I HATE THIS SET

TIL TOMORROW MY COW SQUEEZERS

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CARDMAS

SICK AS A DOG BARF COUGH HACK BLARGH PTUI

THE PLAGUE MICRO MACHINES REALLY WORK

LET'S OPEN A PACK BEFORE I EXPIRE

1995 COMIC IMAGES PHIL RIZZUTO'S BASEBALL THE NATIONAL PASTIME

SO REMEMBER HOW INSANE BASEBALL CARDS WERE IN THE 90S, WELL NON-SPORTS CARDS WERE JUST AS INSANE ESPECIALLY CARDS BASED ON COMICS. CHROME, FRIGGIN CHROME EVERYWHERE. WAIT, I MEAN CHROMIUM. WELL THIS IS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, BASEBALL CARDS ON CHROMIUM FROM A COMIC CARD MANUFACTURER. WITH PRODUCT SPOKESMAN PHIL RIZZUTO TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS HIP CUTTING EDGE PRODUCT IS TOTALLY TARGETED AT THE OLDS. RIGHT UP MY ALLEY!

BONUS CARDS!!!!1 AUTOGRAPH CARD! MAGNACHROME ™ CARDS!! RARE SUBSET!!! LIMITED EDITION!!!! NO INSERT RATIOS!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S CHECK OUT THE BASE CARDS

UNCLE SAM SAYS HUUUYYYYAAAAAARRRRRGRGHRGRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! WHILE JOHN BULL WATCHES BEMUSEDLY WITH A BIG OL SMIRK ON HIS FACE. NOT MUCH DIFFERENT FROM TODAY'S POLITICAL CARTOONS ALTHOUGH JOHN BULL WOULD HAVE TO HAVE SHIT HIS PANTS AND BOTH CHARACTERS SET ON FIRE TO TRULY REPRESENT CURRENT EVENTS

IT'S KIND OF AMAZING HOW MUCH BETTER THESE CARDS LOOK WHEN SCANNED THAN IN PERSON. PRETTY SURE I RECEIVED THIS PACK FROM TRIBECARDS YEARS AGO AND I FEEL A BIT BAD I GOT THE CLEVELAND CARD. THE BACK REFERENCES THE BROWNS AND TERRIBLE CLEVELAND FANS SO MAYBE NOT THAT BAD

REPRINT CARD! ON CHROMIUM! OF A KALAMAZOO BATS CARD THAT'S SO RARE THAT HARDLY ANYONE KNOWS WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. THEY LOOK LIKE THIS. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TEMPTED I WAS TO PUT A PIC OF LARGE MARGE IN THAT LINK BUT I DIDN'T. TOPPS SHOULD AXE QYPSY GUEEN AND REPLACE IT WITH KALAMAZOO BATS. INSERT REAL BATS AS A BOX TOPPER. NOT THE WOODEN ONES

IN MY MIND STREET & SMITH'S IS FOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW MAGAZINES. APPARENTLY BACK IN THE DAY THEY ALSO PUBLISHED COMIC BOOKS AND DIME NOVELS AND FICTION BY... LEO DUROCHER? I LOVE THE OLD TIMEY ILLUSTRATION AND THE WORD PALOOKA SHOULD MAKE A COMEBACK.

THE COVER OF THIS MAGAZINE REFERENCES SPECS TOPORCER AND THUS IS THE GREATEST MAGAZINE OF ALL TIME. I WILL HEAR NO ARGUMENTS AGAINST THIS

MORE MAGAZINES, MORE OLD TIMEY COVER ILLUSTRATIONS. GOD I LOVE THIS STUFF. GIVE ME A WHOLE CARD SET OF ANCIENT BASEBALL ART. OH WAIT

LAST CARD. THE MEDALLION??!??!?!?!! NO! A PLATE. GOTTA SAY, THIS CARD LOOKS LUDICROUS IN HAND. AND I DON'T SEE ANY ABCS ON THIS PLATE EVEN WITH THE MAGNIFIED SCAN. I NEED A WHOLE SET OF THIS STUFF SO I CAN SCAN IT AND ENJOY THE PRETTY PICTURES AND THROW THE ACTUAL CARDS AWAY BECAUSE THEY REALLY LOOK TERRIBLE ON CHROMIUM. THEY CURL UP TOO, NOT QUITE AS BAD AS 2010 CHROME, BUT GETTING THERE.

 TIL NEXT TIME MY FLOATY UGLY DUCKLINGS

ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CARDMAS

🎶 I'M WATCHING ANIME 🎶

BACK ON SCHEDULE, NO MORE YELLING ABOUT SPORTS OR POLITICS. STICKING TO NON-SPORTS FOR THIS ONE

1992 O-PEE-CHEE WACKY PACKAGES

WACKY PACKAGES ARE ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE HAD A MASSIVE INFLUENCE IN MY LIFE BUT DUE TO TIME AND CIRCUMSTANCE EVADED ME. THE ORIGINAL SERIES HIT BIG AND DIED OUT RIGHT BEFORE I CONTRACTED THE DEBILITATING COLLECTING VIRUS. I REMEMBER OLDER KIDS SHOWING OFF THEIR COLLECTIONS TO ME BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES COULD I TOUCH. A WISE DECISION BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE INSTA-PEELED THEIR BEST ONE AND STUCK IT ON MY BUTT BECAUSE I WAS A DESTRUCTIVE LITTLE SHIT. WHEN THEY WERE REBOOTED IN THE EARLY NINETIES, I WAS ALREADY PERMANENTLY ON TEAM GARBAGE PAIL KIDS AND THERE WAS PREMIUM SPORTS BRANDS TO SUCK UP MY MONEY ANYWAY. NO NON-SPORT FOR ME. THIS PACK CAME IN A GIGANTIC LOT OF NON-SPORTS CARDS I PICKED UP FROM A SELLER AT THE LOCAL FLEA MARKET WHO WAS PACKING UP AND MOVING TO FLORIDA. IT WAS THE ONLY WACKY PACKAGES CARDS IN THE WHOLE LOT. SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON'T WORK OUT

Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS

I'M REASONABLY CERTAIN THAT ALL OF THE ELEMENTS ON THIS CARD CAN BE FOUND ON GARBAGE PAIL KIDS FROM THE 80S. GARBAGE PAIL KID BEING TORTURED. GARBAGE PAIL KKKID IN A HOOD. BONDAGE PAIL KID IN FISHNET STOCKINGS. DON'T THINK THEY WERE PARODYING BRANDS IN GPK BACK THEN BUT THEY SURE AS HELL ARE NOW AND I'D BE SHOCKED IF THERE ISN'T A VANNA WHITE PAIL KIDS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. SEEING IT ALL AT ONCE IN THE FIRST CARD OUT OF THE PACK IS A TOUCH SURREAL EVEN THOUGH HASBRO PROBABLY SELLS A FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY LICENSED BOARD GAME THAT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE THIS BOX.

REAL TALK: MICRO MACHINES ARE THE BEST TOY EVER AND I WISH I STILL HAD THE TINY RED CAR I PLAYED WITH CONSTANTLY IN CLASS MY JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. YES I SAID HIGH SCHOOL. I ALSO APPRECIATE THE ED ROTH VIBE COMING FROM THESE WHEELY GERMS. I'D PLAY WITH THESE SUCKERS RIGHT NOW, PLAGUE BE DAMNED

FUCK YEAH VIDEO GAME REFERENCE. CHECK OUT LUIGI CUSSING OUT HIS BROTHER. CLASSIC LUIGI. AT FIRST I THOUGHT THIS WAS MAKING FUN OF THE GAME BUT ON FURTHER INSPECTION THAT'S A DANG VIDEOTAPE SPILLING OUT OF THAT BOX. THIS ISN'T DOKI DOKI PANIC WITH MARIO CHARACTERS SLAPPED ON FOR THE U.S. MARKET, THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE. THAT FINAL TEASER SCENE WHERE THE PRINCESS SHOWS UP WITH A CLIFFHANGER FINALLY PAYS OFF. OH HOW I WISH I COULD REACH IN THIS STICKER AND PLOP THAT TAPE INTO MY VHS PLAYER

THIS RIGHT HERE IS ICONIC. SO MUCH HAPPENING ON THIS STICKER, IT'S GLORIOUS. MOCKING A BELOVED CHILDREN'S AUTHOR. A PUN THAT MAKES FUN OF THE AUTHOR'S NAME USING AN EXOTIC DISH (FOR 1992 AT LEAST, YOU CAN GET THAT SHIT AT GAS STATIONS NOW) THAT STICKS WITH THE FISHY THEME. CAT IN THE HAT ENCOURAGING CHILD LARCENY. NOT ONE BUT TWO JOKES AT THE EXPENSE OF DOG-EAT-DOG FISH-EAT-FISH CAPITALISM WHILE A SMUG AS HELL COMMIEFISH GIVES YOU A KNOWING LOOK. THIS STICKER IS SUBVERSIVE AS FUCK

THIS JOKE HASN'T AGED AS WELL BUT THOSE OF A CERTAIN AGE CAN APPRECIATE IT. THE GREEN DOLLARS AND BULLETS 1-WAY VOMIT SPEW IS A NICE TOUCH

VHS AND UNIVERSAL MONSTERS. THIS STICKER IS HITTING ALL MY HAPPY PLACES. AND THERE'S SO MANY GODDAMN PUNS. I SAW MUSIC RECORDING AND THOUGHT 'THIS IS A VHS TAPE NOT A CASSETTE' THEN I SAW WRAP MUSIC AND I DIED.

STRAIGHT UP DIED.

I AM NOW MUMMY.

TIME FOR THE BACKS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS DISGUSTS ME AND I REFUSE TO COMMENT ON IT

THIS ONE'S EVEN WORSE. AND ONLY 4 CENTS OFF WTF. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT THIS MEANS THAT THESE JOKES ARE 100% EFFECTIVE. GOOD SHOW, DISGUSTING BACK-OF-CARD COUPON PARODY JOKE WRITER AND ILLUSTRATOR

THE REST OF THE PACK ARE PUZZLE PIECES. THIS IS THE CLOSEST I COULD GET TO A COMPLETED IMAGE. IT APPEARS THAT THIS IS MOCKING THE BAZOOKA BRAND OF BUBBLE GUM BY COMPARING IT TO ACTUAL CONCRETE. MAN, IF THAT STUFF WAS CONCRETE THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THE GUM THEY PUT INTO THE PACKS???

TIL TOMORROW MY GOOSES BEING INAPPROPRIATE

ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CARDMAS

FIIIIIIIIVE GOOOOLDEN TURKEYS

I'VE BEEN WATCHING MST3K INSTEAD OF WRITING THESE POSTS, BE LAZY KIDS, NOTHING REALLY MATTERS

SO THE ORIGINAL CONCEPT OF THIS POST WAS TO OPEN A PACK OF MY FAVORITE NON-SPORTS SET AND TURN THE TERROR OF DINOSAUR SLAUGHTER INTO A METAPHOR FOR THE ACTUAL HORROR THAT HAPPENED IN 2018. THE CARD WITH HUNTERS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTING EACH OTHER WHILE A DUCKBILL NIBBLES THEIR GUTS REPRESENTS GUN CONTROL FAILURES AND THE ONE WHERE A T-REX EATS A LION AT THE ZOO REFLECTS THE GUTTING OF THE EPA WHILE RICH FUCKERS GO ON SAFARI AND KILL ENDANGERED ANIMALS. THEN I SAT DOWN TO WRITE IT AND THOUGHT: FUCK THIS SHIT, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN INSTEAD.

SO INSTEAD I SNAGGED THE FIRST PACK I FOUND WITH FIVE CARDS IN IT AND NOW YOU HAVE

 2008 PLAYGROUND MANIACS SPEED RACER COLLECTIBLE CLEAR CARD GAME

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS IS EITHER BUT YOU CAN GET BOXES ONLINE FOR LIKE 12 BUCKS. THIS HAS CLASSIC AND 'NEXT GENERATION' CARDS WHICH MAY EXPLAIN THE ROBOT MONKEY ON THE PACK. I APPROVE OF ALL MONKEY SHENANIGANS, ROBOT OR OTHERWISE, SO THIS PACK IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS. PLUS YOU CAN FIND RANDOMLY INSERTED HOLOGRAPHIC GLITTER CLEAR CARDS. THAT IS A *LOT* OF DESCRIPTORS FOR A COLLECTIBLE GAME CARD.

DID I MENTION THESE ARE CLEAR CARDS?? 5 CLEAR CARDS PER PACK 110 CLEAR CARDS TO COLLECT AS WELL AS 20 HOLOGRAPHIC CLEAR CARDS.WHERE ARE THE FUCKING HOLOGRAPHIC GLITTER CLEAR CARDS???? I HAVE TO KNOW. ANYWAY THESE CARDS ARE CLEEEEEEAAAAARRRRR. LET'S RIP

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD CHECK OUT THIS HAPPY HAPPY BOY.
SO THE FIRST CARD OUT OF THE PACK IS NOT VERY CLEAR, IS NOT HOLOGRAPHIC, NO STINKING GLITTER AT ALL AND IS BARELY TRANSLUCENT IF YOU HOLD IT UP TO THE LIGHT BUT IT'S KINDA METALLY LOOKING AND MADE OF PLASTIC AND THIS DUDE LOOKS SOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY. LET'S FLIP THE CARD AND SEE WHAT'S THIS GUY'S DEAL

IT'S AN SP WITHOUT BEING HOLOGRAPHIC OR GLITTERY SO THAT'S THREE POTENTIAL INSERT SETS FOR THIS SET. A GOOGLE SEARCH FOUND 6 RESULTS SO WHO KNOWS IF THERE'S A CHECKLIST FLOATING AROUND THE DARK WEB SOMEWHERE. I SHALL ASSUME METAL MARK MEGLATRON IS RARER THAN HONUS AND MY RETIREMENT IS ASSURED. MARK LOVES EVIL AND WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW IT. ONLY THAT JERKASS WITH THE ROBOT MONKEY CAN SPOIL HIS FUN. LEAVE HIM ALONE SPEED RACER, LET HIM BE EEEEEVIL

SOME PROFESSOR DUDE. THIS CARD IS DEFINITELY CLEAR AND PLASTIC. ARMAND IS NOT A HAPPY BOY. HE IS ENTIRELY TOO SERIOUS IN HIS CLEARNESS. BUT IS HE EEEEEEVIL?

THE PROFESSOR IS VERY OFFENSIVE BUT HIS EVIL LEVELS ARE UNKNOWN. IS THE ACADEMY EVIL? IS THIS LIKE A STATE DRIVING COLLEGE OR A FOR-PROFIT ONLINE ACADEMY WHERE YOU GET 120K IN DEBT TO GET A MEANINGLESS DEGREE THAT HR DEPARTMENTS LAUGH AT. THAT'S PRETTY DAMN EVIL. THE PROFESSOR'S DRIVING STATS ARE THE EQUAL OF MERRY MARK MEGLATRON'S SO I'M GOING TO ASSUME THEY ARE RIVALS AND HAVE PROLONGED ANIME FIGHTS THAT LAST 17 EPISODES. WITH CARS.

HEY THERE'S THE CAR I RECOGNIZE
THIS APPEARS TO BE A CARD DEDICATED TO HEADLIGHTS
I HAVE NO JOKE FOR THIS

BUTTON E ACTIVATES SPECIAL ILLUMINATING LIGHTS THAT ALLOW FOR CLEARER VISION. YEP, HEADLIGHTS. THEY ALSO GIVE YOU 70 SKILL WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS

TOP DRIVER'S CAR. FOR TOP DRIVERS ONLY. IT IS UNCLEAR IF TOP DRIVER IS A CHARACTER IN THE SHOW. THE NAMES OF THE MAIN GUYS IN THE SHOW ARE SPEED RACER AND RACER X SO IF SOME DUDE PULLED UP IN THIS WHIP AND INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS DRIVER, TOP DRIVER I WOULDN'T BAT AN EYE

 OK SO THIS IS GENERIC SCHOOL CAR APPARENTLY. BETTER THAN JUST THE HEADLIGHTS I GUESS

 BEAR CARS!!! WITH CLAWS AND CHOMPING TEETH. ABOUT TO MOW THE LAWN? I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE. BUT BEAR CARS!!!!! THE SALMON CARS ARE FUUUUUCKED

OH NO! THEY CRASHED! POOR BEARS. STUPID SLUDGE. THIS IS ALL SCOTT PRUITT'S FAULT, I'M SURE

I SOMEHOW ACCIDENTALLY UPLOADED A RANDOM MARK MCLEMORE CARD
MY STUPID IS YOUR GAIN

SO IN SUMMARY, HERE ARE FIVE CARDS FOR A COLLECTIBLE CARD GAME. MOST OF THE CARDS ARE SEE THROUGH. THERE ARE NO RULES, BUT THE ONLY GAME ELEMENTS ARE A SPEED AND SKILL NUMBER. OH, AND YOU CAN PRESS THE E BUTTON FOR HEADLIGHTS. A FUN GAME FOR ALL AGES FEATURING A HAPPY HAPPY EVIL BOY, CARS, AND MAYBE A ROBOT MONKEY.

TIL NEXT TIM-

DAMMIT ELIAS, THERE'S 7 MORE DAYS OF CARDMAS, DIE AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. HELEN, TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM