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Sunday, August 12, 2012

I guess I better post this now, huh?

So about 3 months ago I bought a couple of packs of Olympic cards. The plan was to video rip 'em and post 'em the day of the opening ceremonies. Anyone following my YouTube account knows that didn't happen. I haven't posted much of anything there because my camera is pretty much dead. I need to sell off half my collection and upgrade my electronics hardware very badly. I can't video it, but I can scan it so here's the pack a couple weeks late but at least the Olympics are still going on. They are still going on, aren't they?

Disclaimer: I have no idea who any of these people are. Still. I'm going to write a sentence or two about each and then Google 'em to see how they've done. Over/Under on how many time I make a fool of myself is 4.5. Place your bets. 

#17 Ryan Lochte - Swimming

Not Mr. Phelps, but according to the back of the card he has a couple of gold medals of his own. Like Mike on the front of the pack, Ryan is topless and his nipples are on full display. I am on the record as being against nipplage of all sorts on trading cards and this set is chock full of nipples. If you imagine the red stripes of the flag in the background of these cards as rivers of blood this set's nipple and gorefest rivals your average David Cronenberg movie.

Apparently this dude has two Golds, two Silvers and a Bronze in London. Not bad.

#99 Alex Meyer - Open Water Swimming

The fact that he is wearing a jacket does not make up for that smug look on his face. According to the back of the card he is a graduate of Harvard. OoooOOOoooh... HAHvahd. Throw this dude in the Atlantic and let him do some open water swimming away from some sharks. Sharks don't 'do' smug.

Alex came in 10th in the 10K marathon. His Google picture doesn't look smug at all. Now I feel bad I called him smug and wanted him nibbled by sharks.

#12 Brenda Villa - Water Polo

Yay! A girl! Thankfully wearing a shirt too. I like my Olympians modest, unlike those savage ancient Greeks. Put on a fig leaf or SOMETHING, people. Two things about Water Polo. I have only sat down to watch the Olympics twice so far, and one time women's water polo was on. Water polo is boring as hell when you watch it on tv. Throw the ball. Swim a bit. Defensive player tries to drown you. Swim some more. Whistle blows for no reason. Throw swim and drown some more. Throw the ball at the goal. That's pretty much it. I guess it's a great sport to watch if you like seeing people needlessly drown. Not for me though.

U.S. Women's team won gold over Spain! Way to go! And apparently no one drowned! That's world class athleticism right there.

#87 Nathan Adrian - Swimming

Ugh, Another swimmer. Spoiler: I did get more cards than nipples in this pack, but it was damn close. Let's see how many times he lost to Phelps.

Two golds and a silver... nice. Lots of medals in this pack. We're up to 5 golds, 3 silvers and a bronze so far.

#24 Todd Rogers - Beach Volleyball

While I didn't specifically sit down and watch a beach volleyball match, every single time I walked through the living room while my wife had it on beach volleyball seemed to be on. Maybe not the whole time, but at least once a day. Didn't see one men's match either. I WONDER WHY NBC MADE THAT EDITORIAL DECISION.

Todd and Phil Dalhausser lost in the round of 16 to... ITALIA!!!!!!! Sorry Todd. I'm a quarter Italian, I gotta do that every time I refer to that country in any sporting event.

#99 Alex Meyer - Open Water Swimming Gold Parallel

Parallel my ass, I say it's a double and I say the hell with it!

OR-DB Dotsie Bausch Relic #41/75

Three color relic! Sweet! I know nothing about Cycling! Well, that's not true, but my knowledge drops off precipitously after Lance Armstrong and Pee-Wee Herman.

Wow, Dotsie is a former model who started cycling during anorexia and cocaine rehab and won silver in the Team Pursuit finals. This is now in my "awesome relic card" permanent collection.

#36 Tucker Dupree - Swimming Bronze Parallel

I was all set to complain about getting more swimmer's nipples but according to the card back Tucker woke up one morning to blurry vision and has lost most of his sight since. When I was 6th grade a detached retina did the same thing to me and it was months before I got my vision back completely. Tucker's not getting his vision back. He's still a champion swimmer in the Paralympics and according to his Twitter feed it looks like he's competing in 3 days. Good luck Tucker, I'm rooting for ya!


Fuji said...

As soon as the Olympic hype wears off... I'll be picking up this set (mainly for the Alex Morgan card).

Kudos to Topps... I think they did a great job with the set's design.

Thorzul said...

Dotsie Bausch sounds like the name of a guy who got exactly one Topps card made of him in the '50s.