Jay Buhner's Day Off

The phone rang. I checked the caller ID.

BONE

Oh hell naw. I didn't need this today. I had Twittering to do. If you don't keep the tweets coming the spambots get bored and unfollow. I've lost 6 this week! He could go to voicemail.

The phone continued to chime. I yanked the battery to shut it up.

"HEY DOUCHEBAG!"

I jumped three feet out of my chair and spun around.

"Dammit, Jay! How the hell did you get into my house??"

"I knew you wouldn't answer the phone so I let myself in. Get some pants on, we're going."

"Going where? I don't have time go anywhere today."

"You working today?"

"No..."

"Me neither, let's have some fun on our day off."

"Yeah, I'd love to, but I'm really too busy today."

"Doing what? Playing videogames? Downloading music you don't have time to listen to? Writing blog posts that maybe a couple dozen people will ever read?"

"I've got to finish some sketches... I haven't done laundry yet this week... and I really need to get to the post office for one thing. I haven't sent Nachos Grande his trade stack package yet."

"We'll hit the post office on the way. Let's get moving, we're burning daylight."

I grabbed my hat. I knew I was going as soon as I head the phone ring. When Buhner wants to party he won't take no for an answer.

"All right, fine. Lemme find some pants that don't stink too badly."

Jay handed me a pair with a large stain on the crotch from a tragic chilidog mishap and doused me in Axe body spray.

"DARK TEMPTATION?? WTF dude. Are we at least taking the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California?"

"Hell no. It would never get through this traffic. We're taking the truck."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How do you like your first game at Yankee Stadium so far?"

"This isn't Yankee Stadium. They tore down Yankee Stadium. This is an unholy abomination desecrating the spirit of baseball."

"Aw lighten up and enjoy your tequila. The owner's box was really cool, wasn't it?"

"Well yeah, that was pretty swank. At least until they chased us out after we raided the bar."

"They didn't chase us out. The owners love me!"

"The owners may love you, but security sure doesn't."

"I just really wanted to give you the grand tour of the stadium. That's why we left so quickly."

"THEY HAD TASERS."

"And thanks to my quick thinking, now WE have tasers just in case they get twitchy again. That's cool, right? Now come on, I wanna show you the locker room."

As much as I loathe this gigantic corporate boondoggle of a ballpark, at least there are elevators. I couldn't handle stairs in my condition. The elevator operator cautiously regarded Jay and his electric weaponry and let us off at the clubhouse level.

"You gotta see the locker room. It's awesome! Finish up that tequila first though."

"This ain't tequila, it's mezcal. There's a damned bug in my booze."

"Whatever it is, finish it up, there's a locker I want you to see."

"I don' wanna see no damn A-Fraud locker with piles of roids and a centaur painting. I like ponies but not that kind..."

"Shut up, come on and FINISH THAT BOTTLE."

"All of it?"

"ALL OF IT."

Bone wanted me to eat that worm for some reason. Screw that, the mezcal had already messed me up beyond repair and I wasn't going to be able to hold down my liquor AND an insect. I was starting to come down from rolling drunk to woozy buzzed so I decided to carefully drink the last of the liquor and triumphantly hand Jay an empty bottle with a worm inside. When we got to the locker that was so dang important to see I took a swig...

And friggin Jay tilted the bottle straight up, causing the contents - including the agave larvae - to slide straight down my gullet. Visions of Craig T. Nelson in Poltergiest 2 ran through my  head. Nope nope Nope NOPE. I got rid of that worm quickly and efficiently. Right into the locker Jay had brought me to see.

Ichiro Suzuki stood stunned in front of his locker. A brand new Yankees jersey that would one day be cut into small pieces by an intern at 1 Whitehall Street was now splashed with half a bottle of mezcal and the remains of a hot dog. The worm had lodged itself in the point of the Y and stoicly viewed the scene. Jay was not so stoic.

"THAT'S RIGHT, ICHIRO! DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT WASTING MY MARINERS' MONEY WITH A 10 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT! THEY'RE REBUILDING, THEY DON'T NEED YOU CHEWING UP MOST OF THE BUDGET WITH YOUR .630 OPS WHEN WE GOTTA GET SOME REAL HITTERS WHILE WE STILL HAVE KING FELIX! NEXT TIME IT'LL BE ME PUKING IN YOUR LOCKER AND YOU SAW ME AT THE 2001 ROOKIE HAZING PARTY! I KNOW HOW TO PUKE!"

Everyone in the room was focused on Buhner's rant. I had heard it all before so I was the first to see security charge in. They had more than tasers this time. I pulled myself up off the floor and grabbed Jay, pulling him toward the exit. For a fat guy I run pretty well when I'm drunk and in mortal peril. Bone finally comprehended the situation we were in and managed to slow down the rent-a-cops with the tazers. I was able to get Curtis Granderson to sign the mezcal bottle in all the confusion. Man, Curtis is a good guy. I also snagged a six-pack from the post game buffet. I don't really remember how we got out of Yankee Stadium though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wake up, man. The night is young!"

My shirt now smelled worse than my jeans and all of me smelled even worse than that because I had been doused with body spray again. We were back in the truck. the back seat was filled with empties and the 1996 World Series Championship trophy.

"Oh god... I feel like a porcupine died in my mouth. What the hell happened???"

"We saw a game... had a little fun... I got you a souvenir! Now we're headed to a party at my buddy's house."

"Aw jeez, I can't go to a party in this condition. I smell like a portable toilet at Bonnaroo and look even worse."

"Calm down, I got this. I picked up a Yankee jersey at the park so you have fresh clothes for the party. I think I have some extra Zubaz in the back if you want to get out of those jeans."

"I'm not wearing no damn Yankees jersey, I'm not a complete douchebag yet!"

"Just look at the back, dude."

Number 8. All righty then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This crap happened every single time. Jay would bring me to a party at one of his celebrity friends' house and while he hung out with the cool people I ended up a wallflower. Like that time we went to karaoke with the Baldwins and I got to hear Billy talk about Fox News for an hour while Jay and Alec sang Skynard. Oh, then there was the bowling party he threw for Jeff Bridges were I wound up playing air hockey with Beau for TWO HOURS. I'll never forgive Bone for that one. I knew I was in for it when we pulled up to the Stillers' house.

Yep. Here we go again. Bone had already drank Amy under the table, booty danced with Anne Meara and was now engaged in Feats of Strength with Jerry Stiller. They battled in the "Slam Dancing to Mastodon" competition while Ben and I sat on the couch watching Meet the Fockers. I greedily quaffed a bottle of wine to numb the horror.

"Don't you have Mystery Men or something? That's a good movie."

"We haven't gotten it on Blu-Ray yet."

"Well you should. The Bowler is kinda hot."

Awkward silence. I polished off the bottle of wine.

"Why don't you make another movie like Zoolander? That was funny as hell."

"We're working on the script for Zoolander 2 now. Should be out in 2014 if we can get everything squared away."

"Oh. Um. Cool."

More awkward silence. Robert De Niro winced at Barbara Streisand.

"You want more wine? We got a ton of that stuff lying around. No one drinks it anymore."

"Uh... sure, thanks. Hey, you got Madagascar on Blu-Ray? I love that movie."

Ben opened a drawer in end table by the couch and pulled out another bottle of wine. That stuff really was stashed everywhere.

"Sorry, no. Jay borrowed it a while back and hasn't returned it yet."

I uneasily remembered the stack of Jay's Blu-rays sitting on my desk at home gathering dust. I don't even have a Blu-ray player. My phone rang. The Circus Afro song played loudly.

"Oh, hey, that's from the new one. You liked it?"

"Oh yeah, it was pretty good. I ripped the ringtone from the torrent I downloaded off the Pi- Pu... uh. Oh."

There was about a half-bottle of German wine's worth of awkward silence.

"If you don't like the Focker movies, I'm sure we can find something on Hulu."

"Oh! No, this is um, great. Reeeally great. No. Fine. This is good. Yeah."

Ben's character got emotionally punched in the crotch again on the plasma screen. The real Ben looked over at Jerry and Jay. They were now battling in the "Flip the Table" competition. They ran out of tables so Jerry flipped an etterge. Jay's face fell when Anne held up a 9.6 score for the flip. I took another swig. In a moment of clarity I realized that all those family members were stuck hanging out with me, not the other way around. Wine wasn't going to fix this feeling. Luckily, I had just spilled the rest of the bottle on my already horrible jeans. Ben broke the silence.

"So um, what's with those jeans? Is that, uh, a thing?"

"Oh. Uh, no. I didn't do laundry this week. It was either this or Zubaz."

"You made the right choice. You kinda smell like chocolate and cheese though."

"Heh, that's a damn good Ween CD."

"I know! You want to see 'em live?"

"Uh, sure? You got a concert video?"

"No, not on video, let's go see 'em live."

"But... it's past midnight. They're not even out on tour. I'm pretty sure they just broke up too..."

"No problem. I've got Dean and Gene on retainer. I can have a show set up in a couple of hours."

"Wait, what?? You can get Ween to reunite the group and play a gig at three in the morning JUST LIKE THAT???"

"Do you have any idea how much money I made from these Focker movies?"

I opened my mouth to say something. I thought for a moment. I closed my mouth. It opened again when my jaw muscles decided to take five. I looked over at the Feats of Strength competition which was in the final round. Call of Duty. Jerry was teabagging Jay in the game and shaking his rump at him in real life. I called out to them.

"GUYS! FINISH THAT UP. WE'RE GOING TO GO SEE A BAND."

I turned to Ben.

"You got any mezcal?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wake up dude, you're home."

"Whu- huh? What happened?"

"We just had an awesome day off, that's what happened!"

I looked down. The jeans were gone. My now stained Yogi jersey was thankfully just long enough. I had somehow picked up a pair of hot pink Doc Martens. I didn't even know they came in that color.

"Wha- what the hell happened last night? Where are my pants? Why can I no longer see the color green? Why am I in so much pain?"

"Jerry Stiller kicked you in the butt when you illegally downloaded Hairspray on his iPhone. It's all good though. I got him to autograph the other cheek. You wanted to get it permanently tattooed but I talked you out of it."

"Oh God, my super-special talent is getting my ass kicked by a Jewish comedian."

"Aaaah, don't worry about it. It was all just some harmless fun."

"HARMLESS FUN?! You filled me up with so much liquor I probably have brain damage right now. I'm pretty sure we got shot at last night and I'll probably be hearing from the MPAA's lawyers soon. How the hell is that harmless??"

"You worry too much. You enjoyed yourself plenty last night."

"I don't remember enjoying ANYTHING last night."

I hopped out of the truck. I tripped on the untied lace of my pink Doc Martens and faceplanted into the lawn. Buhner got out and sat down on the hood of his truck. I spit out some gray sod and glared at Jay.

"Dave, what have you seen tonight?"

"Nothing good."

"Nothing - wha - what do you mean nothing good? You had Red Snapper at La Bernadin! You and Bill Clinton prank called Michael Bloomberg! You saw Ween reunite! Steve Aoki and Lady Gaga came to the show and they all ended up forming a supergroup! You and Gaga hit it off so well you convinced her to scrap her new album and remix it into chiptune happy hardcore! You saw EVERYTHING good last night!"

"Huh? I don't remember any of that... besides, we went to New York and I didn't even get to go to MOMA."

"DUDE! We broke in after the concert! Where do you think your jeans are? They're hanging up next to the Matisse!"

"Bullsh!t. I don't believe any of this."

"We got it on video. Where did you even find Pinkie Pie underoos in 2XL anyway?"

Jay pulled up YouTube and handed me his phone. There I was, dancing pantsless in the middle of a darkened museum. My jeans were not hanging next to the Matisse, but rather by the Duchamp. My work is hanging in MOMA and Marcel will get all the credit. I checked the number of views. At least hardly anyone had seen it yet.

"Man, delete that crap while it only has 301 views."

Jay smiled.

"301 views and 82,973 likes."

I looked again. Oh dear. I checked the related videos. I had already been remixed into the Industrial Dance Group video. I handed Jay his phone.

"I'm going to bed. Don't call me."

"How the hell are you going to get any sleep when you have to go to work?"

"I'm off today, man."

Jay broke out into a huge grin. I could see my disheveled self in his sunglasses.

"Fine. But today we're taking the Ferarri."

Like? Vote for Dayf over at Nachos Grande.

May Card Show Top 10 in poetry - #8 COOKIE

I literally have two minutes to write this entire post and I just wasted 20 seconds with this opening sentence.

Hey! Cookie Monster!
This here's MAH Cookie, dangit!
back away slowly

How did a Phillie
Become my blogging icon?
Lemke is annoyed

Move along, nothing to see here

Some nights you just can't manage to post anything.

And that's ok.

If you watch one stupid YouTube Video this year, make it this one

GO YICKETTY

Traveling box loot

White Sox Cards' post on what he picked up from the Traveling Card Box of Awesomeness reminded me that I haven't done my post on that yet. And I was the first one to get the box! I am a bad blogger. What is the Traveling Box? It's a little project Bad Wax put together. A group of collectors all donate some good cards that they don't need and/or want. All the cards get put in a box and shipped around the country to various collectors who take out cards they want and replace them with cards of equal value. There was a ton of great stuff in the box but I limited myself to 5 cards and I let my son pick out one for himself. Here's my loot:

This is actually my son's loot. I allowed him to choose one for himself and he went with the Orioles' hat logo card of Jim Palmer. He almost snagged Steve's Frank Thomas/Jeff Bagwell/Carlos Delgado triple relic but opted for the Manu-Patch instead. I was relieved because I wasn't entirely sure what I could replace that one with.

First pickup out of the box was a 1969 Joe Niekro card I needed for my 'set'. I'm not really working on the 1969 Topps set and I probably never will, but I attacked the vintage in this box with great ferocity. If I didn't have it before, I had it now.

Next up is a 1971 Topps card of Barry's pop. 1971 Topps I will most likely end up collecting in full force as soon as my 1972 set is complete through at least series 4. I'm actually pretty close to completing Series 1.

1960 Topps is another of my favorite sets so I had to pick up the Ashburn. Richie Ashburn on the Cubs is a tad odd. Also odd is that I picked up more Cubs cards out of the box than Braves cards. Yes, I even left Braves in the box. I tried to replace relic with relic, vintage with vintage, etc. but this one I couldn't find a good match so I snuck in a nice Cub card as a replacement.

Ah, now we're in serious card territory. All cards were ranked in tiers, $5-10, $10-15, $15-20 and so on. I don't remember the exact tier of this card but it was in the next to highest tier worth of cards in the box. I have an accidentally good collection of Al Kaline cards as my mother brought me back a 9-pocket page full of vintage Kalines from a business trip when I was a kid. I did not have the '59 already, so this was good luck.

Ok now the doozy:

Amidst the vintage a 2012 card appears! So. I love Yogi Berra. He's right up there with Kurt Vonnegut, Bill Hicks and Pinkie Pie as far as personal spiritual gurus go for me. I also like old coins, especially silver ones. I saw this and thought I MUST HAZ. So I did. I had to pony up a fairly serious card to get it but I think I left the box in better shape than I found it.

I also snagged this custom card of a 1976 Topps Dale Murphy card. There were three custom cards in there but they weren't on the main card list for the box. I left two sketch cards in the box in exchange for this one. One silly, one mostly not silly.

We were instructed not to give away what cards were added to the box so the suspense would be greater. I scanned all of 'em anyway and I'm going to cheat a bit by showing off a little teaser of the stuff I put in the box. I hope I'm not kicked out of the rotation! Two cards I put in the box were picked up in this haul so at least the peeps like my stuff.

Pastry Ponies

Have some Cakes.

 Left to right: Pound, Carrot, Cup and Pumpkin.

I've kinda maybe watched this episode three times tonight. 

The Story of Larry Mudlin

Be sure to follow Mr. Mudlin at @LarryAwesomenes. Inspired by his own Tweets, here is his tale in comic format.

If you are COMPLETELY clueless about what is going on here and don't wish to solve the Ginter Code on your own click here for enlightenment.

If you enjoyed this comic you can vote for me right here.

TIEM TO WATCH TEH PONI

Go to YouTube, type in the search bar "Sonic Rainboom" and watch teh poni. You will not be disappoint. The last time I linked a pony episode here it got pulled so I'm not doing that ever again. You'll have to work for your pony, but you will be rewarded.

If you follow my instructions, you'll be able to answer those trivia questions easy. If not you can still probably answer them if you cheat and look at the bottom. But then you'll miss out on I. AM. RARITY!!! and you'll be sad without even knowing why. Don't cheat. Don't be sad.

May Card Show top 10 in Poetry - #9 Colt l'Orange

Moar bad haiku today!

1964 Topps Rusty Staub Rookie Cup

Look! it's a pony!
Le Grand Orange as a Colt
Collect every horse.

(I know Colt .45
is a reference to a gun
let me have my fun)

He played for Durham?
not often does one transform
from Bull into Colt

May Card Show Top 10 in poetry - Peter Tork

What better time to show off the goods from the May Vintage card show than the last day of July. I would have done this sooner but I was waylaid by writer's block, contest posts, Ginter, Ponies and more writer's block. I still have writer's block so I'm going to post the top ten acquisitions from that Vintage show through the art of bad poetry. I can't write poetry worth a damn so I feel no pressure to write anything good and my writer's block can't figure out how to keep me from writing it. This first installment shall be written in haiku. I briefly considered doing the whole series in haiku, but if I announced that I would never ever be able to write another haiku as long as I lived. So next time, you might get a sonnet, or a limerick or maybe even another haiku. I might drink a quart of vodka and go ee cummings on yo ass.  You never can tell. Today you get haiku.

1967 Monkees #18c

Peter Tork, drummer
my favorite Monkee
he waits on tables

puzzle on the back
a puzzle of existence
where has Davy gone

TATTUE TOOSDAY

It's time for some magical ass tattoos!

ZAP BUTT

EXPLOSION! BUTT

BALLOON BUTT

BUTT-ERFLY BOOTIE

APPLE ASS

DIAMOND DERRIERE

Which tattoo should I put on my butt?

YAY PRETTY FASHION PONY

ME: YAY STANDEE INSERT OF RARITY WEARING A PRETTY DRESS YAAAAAY

Every reader of this blog: Pony obsession aside, what the hell is a standee?

ME: IZ INSERT CARD OF PRETTY PONEE WEARING DRESS OR OTHERWISE COSTUME THAT CAN GET FOLDED UP SO PONI CAN STAND

Sane people: Ok, that makes sense. So um, are you going to fold it so it can stand up?

ME: NOOOOOOOOO WHAT YOU CRAZY? IT LOSE ALL VALUE! MUST HAVE GEM MINT RARITY NO FOLDY FOLDY 

People slowly backing away in fear:  Riiiiight. Value. Will you fold one if you get a double?

ME: I shall consider it.

Frank Wren is a Pirate Ninja Wizard

Okay so we had to give up this guy:

I'll trade a closer in 2015 for a playoff berth in 2012.

Off to work I go

I work at a farm now.

Kicking trees is a remarkably rewarding career! Kinda like Minecraft, but with ponies.

You can go ahead and steal the code, I already checked it. Refreshingly, you do not have to register and log in and sign up and give EnterPlay a bunch of information to check your codes. Just go to the website, enter it in and presto:

Oh please. We're all winners with ponies!

Captain Canuck wants to look at my backside

Actually, I could have just posted the card numbers he needed but where's the fun in that? Here's the back of my 1976 Topps Braves Team set.

Oh yeah, I found a card I could use to fill out the page.

What the heck is that? #662? That's from a post I should have written about a month ago. I might write it eventually.