Even though I don't know much at all about football and I can't even watch the games unless I go to a sports bar or a friend's house since I don't have cable and I'm American for Christ's sake why the hell am I watching soccer like some kinda dirty communiss I like it dammit and I'm going to commemorate it with some packets of football cards/stickers over the next few days/weeks. Packets I got from a dude in England because we sure as hell don't have any over here. First up is a Packet of Panini Euro 2012 Adrenalyn XL.
DISCLAIMER: I don't know who most of these guys are. So sue me.
Eduardo - Hrvatska
I don't even know what country Hrvatska is and I'm not going to Google it to give the appearance that I are smart. I do know who Eduardo is though. I'm not completely ignorant. He's an imaginary friend who loves potatoes.
Erik Pieters - Nederland
Oh, here's something I know about Euro football. The Netherlands' kits are orange. See? I'm not completely dim, am I?
WELL I KNEW ENOUGH TO CALL IT A KIT DIDN'T I.
Christian Maggio - ITALIA!!!!!!!
Yes, it is necessary to spell ITALIA!!!!! in all caps and with multiple exclamation points every time. It is also necessary to post Frank Zappa right now.
(only one vowel off - close enough to post Zappa)
Oleksandr Shovkovskiy - Ukrajina
Ukraine is one of the Euro Cup hosts along with Poland. I was very surprised to learn that the actual Ukraine is much smaller than the Ukraine territory on a Risk board. I've attacked that damn territory enough times that I see it in my sleep. Dammit! You already have Australia and most of Asia, quit taking Ukraine and screwing up my Europe, you jerk! What I'm trying to say here is that goalkeeper football cards are not as interesting as goalie hockey cards.
Aleksandr Anyukov - Rossija
I wonder if Oleksandr and Aleksander and fundamentally different names or if it's just a regional spelling thing. You laugh, but there's a difference between Bob and Rob or Rick and Dick or Bill and Will isn't there? Aleksandr looks like he's missing the tip of his left index finger. I'm guessing it's either bent and not visible, is a victim of a bad cropping job or was lost in a terrible threshing accident back on the family farm. I guess if you did actually lose fingers in an accident, soccer would be a good sport to go into as long as you're not a keeper. I could think of worse things to do, Jerry Garcia lost a finger when he was four and ended up becoming a great guitar player. Can you imagine playing guitar with a finger missing? Well, it was his right middle finger so it didn't affect him with holding the frets or anything but still. I got all my fingers and I can't get the frets right for nothin'. Then again I only try to play guitar when I'm really drunk and I've never really practiced or even taken a lesson or anything. Honestly, I'm more of a horn player. I wish I could find a tuba to play, I still have my mouthpiece from high school. I should have joined the marching band at the University of Georgia. Man, that would have been fun. Probably too fun, I had enough problems passing my classes freshman year, I might have flunked out altogether. That's assuming I was accepted to the marching band at all, I wasn't all that great a tuba player and I was completely out of shape when I started college my freshman year. I lost 75 pounds my first year at Georgia just because I didn't have a car and had to walk everywhere! I miss those days of being able to walk everywhere you needed to go. Now I live out in the boonies and I have to drive all over the goddamn place just to get anywhere. How's this for stupid: the closest park to me with a track where I can safely walk without having to worry about some kid in a ricer or drunk redneck in a pickemup truck running me down on the side of the road is 20 minutes away. I have to drive 40 minutes roundtrip just to walk! Not that I ever get the chance, what with work and kids. Don't have time to walk at work due to carpool and team lunch outings. Can't walk with the kids because if I left them at the playground at the park while I walked around the track I'd be arrested for child neglect and I'd be thrown in prison and they'd be thrown in foster homes and we'd all get molested. Just because I wanted to get some goddamn exercise. Oh but if I'm fat I should just put down the fork! Oh ho ho! Screw you, it's all about exercise. I ate like a college student in college and still lost weight because I got exercise. And had a better metabolism because I was a kid. Now I'm old and I'm sitting on my ass right now in front of a computer so what can I say. It's hard writing about a Russian football defenseman.
Gianluigi Buffon - ITALIA!!!!!!!!!!!
Two ITALIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ns in the same packet! And this one is all shiny! Even though it's impossible to tell from the scan! And it's an excuse to post this!
More Football packets soon. Soon meaning before Euro 2016 at least.