Panic time

It finally hit me tonight that Chipper Jones was really retiring.

I have too many feels right now.

Only one thing to do for it.

Starting now, I'm posting one Chipper Jones card every hour on the hour until the last out of the Braves' season is recorded.

I guess I'd better get scanning.

The Irony Does Not Escape Me

So at the same time I've fallen head over heels over a cartoon about lovable little girly ponies, my favorite team in the world is staring playoff elimination square in the face from a team called the Phillies. Methinks the Baseball Gods are messing with me.

The next three games look awful. Tonight we have a rookie going against a Cy Young lefty. Tomorrow Derek Lowe gets to stink it up one last time in a Braves uniform and Wednesday Tim Hudson either gets a desperation start that wastes him for game one of the NLDS or gets to take the mound for his last outing of the year. And did I mention that the Philadelphia Phillies love nothing more than to stomp upon the Braves' bloody faces with their iron hooves? Meanwhile The Cardinals get to face the 100-loss Astros.

Not gonna lie, it looks bad. The offense looks like they're swinging butterfly nets out there. Two of our best pitchers are hurt bad. The bullpen ran out of gas in August and are coasting on fumes. And the goddamn Phillies are in town. Ugh.

That being said, unless there was a giant cock-up with the tickets I am at the game right now. I am enjoying it greatly. I actually sprung for decent seats this time. A friend of mine has tickets too and should be there too. I might even throw caution to the wind and have a beer. In the early innings of course, to give my liver time to do its job by the end of the game (gotta stay safe out there kids). Autumn is here, bad football is in the air and you gotta enjoy baseball while it's still around. And enjoy I shall.

And who knows? It ain't over...



yet.

Thursday night panic atttack

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

I'VE BEEN CRAMMING FOR MY CISCO TEST FOR TWO WEEKS AND I STILL CAN'T GET A 90% ON MY TRANSCENDER TEST!!!!!!

WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THE FREAKING OSI MODEL?!?!!? THERE AIN'T BUT SEVEN LAYERS, IT'S LIKE A DELICIOUS NETWORKING DIP WITH SOUR CREAM AND GUACAMOLE AND CHEESE AND THE TRANSPORT LAYER. THAT MAKES THE PHYSICAL LAYER THE BEAN DIP. NOONE EVER EATS THE PHYSICAL LAYER

EVERY TIME I OPEN THE BOOK THE WORDS MORPH INTO A WEIRD COMBINATION OF RUSSIAN AND KLINGON. THE CHAPTER ON WAN CONNECTIONS MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN A DIRTY LETTER IN TENGWAR THAT JRR TOLKIEN WROTE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND WHILE DRUNK AT 3AM.

OH DEAR GOD I HAVE TO PASS THIS EXAM AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'M LEARNING ANYTHING ANYMORE OR JUST MEMORIZING THE PRACTICE TEST ANSWERS

Oh, look, a 1933 Goudey card of Boston Braves pitcher Ed Brandt...

GODDAMN HELL THERE ARE TOO MANY OIS COMMANDS!!! OR IS IT ISO COMMANDS? I DON'T KNOW!!!! ISO, OSI, POE, OPE IMPURIFYING OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS!!!!

WHY DIDN'T I WRITE ALL THOSE COMMANDS DOWN AS I WAS GOING THROUGH THE BOOK??? OR DURING THE CLASS??? AND THE ACRONYMS! OH GOD THE ACRONYMS! LIKE AN ALPHABET SOUP FACTORY GOT BLOWED UP! WHY DIDN'T I MAKE SOME DAMN FLASH CARDS OR SOMETHING??? I'M SO FRIGGIN LAZY WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!??

STUPID! STUPID!! I'M SOOO STUPID!!! WHY DIDN'T I STUDY MORE WHEN I HAD THE TIME??? I'VE BARELY LOOKED AT THE LAB BOOK! THE ONLY THING I TRULY GROK IS THE SUBNETTING AND I'M SO PATHETIC AT MATH I SCREW ALL THOSE QUESTIONS UP WITH SIMPLE ADDITION ERRORS!!!

Oh, hey, here's the back. Dig the crazy text. He spends the winter months with his gun. heh.


WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOO???? EVEN IF I PASS THE TRANSCENDER THE ACTUAL TEST ALWAYS THROWS CRAZY ASS CURVEBALLS!!! I'M GONNA GET TRIPPED UP I KNOW IT! I USED TO BE GOOD AT THIS STUFF BUT NOW I'M OLD AND STRESSED AND TIRED AND CAN'T THINK ANYMORE! AND THIS IS THE EASY TEST!!!! I STILL HAVE TO PASS THE HARD ONE AFTER THIS! OH MAN I GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHEAT! NO, I CAN'T CHEAT ON A CERTIFICATION EXAM, THEY'LL SEND ME TO GEEK JAIL!!! MAYBE I COULD USE SMART BRAIN DRUGS! NO, THEN I'LL GO TO REAL JAIL! PMITA JAIL WITH CONJUGAL VISITS! AAARGH I GOTTA DO SOMETHING!!! I'M DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!!!!!!!

Canya believe I only need two card to have a complete 1933 Goudey Braves team set now? Yep, I just need Rabbit Maranville and Tom Zachary. Every time I look at Tom Zachary's reprint card in my binder I think his name is Ed Zachary. 'Cause his face looks Ed Zachary like his ass! Ha! I kill me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH SO SCREEEEEWWWWEEEEDDD!!!!!!!
BLLLUGGGGHHHERARGHAADJSFNA;IRJFAHHBAXZ,BMNXBCJSFURGH

Sticky Saturday or Sunday whatever - Crystal Ball Edition

All Right... The non-waiver trade deadline is almost here. The Braves are under .500 but still in the race thanks to a weak NL East. They can go out and pick up an outfielder and some pitching and make a run at the pennant, or ransom Teixeira and some bullpen arms for a truckload of prospects and shoot for 2009. They are in a crucial series with the Phillies this weekend, the rubber game of which starts in about an hour. The first game they demolished the formerly front running Phils, yesterday they squandered a huge lead and suffered yet another one run road loss. What to do? Buy or sell? It's time to...

LOOK DEEPLY INTO THE CRYSTAL BALL

No not the Styx version, or the dumb Keane video, or even some new age hippie crap (although juggling is cool) I'm talking about looking into a real live crystal type ball! Of course I don't have one, so I tried the interwebs. You knew there would be a web based crystal ball amongst all the Magic 8-balls so I tried it.

Oh crystal ball, Can the Braves win the division?

Ask again tomorrow?? Stupid crystal ball. I'll have to resort to cardboard prognostication instead. Let's see what that Fleer sticker from the 80's can tell us about the 2008 Braves. I can't remember what year it's from and I don't care. I'm interested in the FUTURE not the past. Ask FleerFan. He's the one who gave me the sticker. Let's flip this puppy over and see what the future has in sto-

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE ROYALS!!! OH DEAR LORD NOT THE FRACKING ROYALS! Wait, wait, calm down. They were good back in the mid 80's... they won a World Series! They had George Brett! And then they fell in to a long stretch of losing and despair noooooooooooooooooooooo


TRADE TEX!

FIRE FRANK!

SEND FRENCHY BACK TO THE ROOKIE LEAGUE!

HAMPTON'S A WITCH, BURN HIM!

USE THE BULLPEN FOR KINDLING!

PANIC!

Swept agin

Trade Tex for prospects.

Send Frenchy to A-ball Rome Double-A Mississippi until he learns to hit with men on base. CHECK.

Retire Smoltz and Glavine's numbers and change the locks on the clubhouse door.

Shoot Hampton like a lame racehorse.

Clone Bobby so we have twice the genius at manager.

Get Lemmer out of the broadcast booth and back at second base.

Panic!

I hear Phil Niekro's not doing anything

I haven't dissected or analyzed the Braves' performance this year up until now. This has been a deliberate choice on my part for two reasons. First of all, I don't believe you can tell what kind of club you have until at least the first month of the season is past and you still don't really have a handle on things until June. The onther reason is that it's very difficult to analyze bi-polar schizophrenics with multiple personalities. You need like PHDs and tweed coats and a beard and a pipe and three books published about Freud or at least an office with a couch somewhere.

The pitching staff resembles Dresden, circa 1945. John Smoltz has gone from the staff ace to the closer maybe. We hope and pray to Jesus he's now the closer. Mike Hampton needs to go away. If Hampton can't go out on the mound and pitch to just one stinking batter so he can get a 2008 stat line for posterity without having his arm fall off, both ankles break and his entire lymphatic system leap out of his body and scuttle away like a crab he needs to be put down out of mercy. The dude we sacrificed the #18 overall pick in this year's draft for (that broken down stubborn old fool up above) has exactly zero wins. The top four closers on the depth chart are on the DL, leaving the job to Manny Acosta. Jeff Bennett is probably the staff MVP just for being able to get thrown into a game at a moment's notice whenever disaster strikes.

The offense is actually not that bad. Chipper's trying to get elected to the Hall of Fame all in one year. Yunel and McCann are doing fine. Kotsay's hitting a hell of a lot better than Andruw is right now. Frenchy and Tex are slumping relative to their potential, but they're not hitting badly by any stretch. The only player getting regular at bats who's not really producing is Matt Diaz who just needs to quit swinging at everything and striking out. So the offense looks all right, until you get down to clutch hitting. How in the hell do you go 1-11 in one run games? You don't drive in runs when you really need them, that's how. This has been a common theme among Braves team the past few years, I've just never seen it quite as bad as this. When you tend to sit back and wait for the three-run homer, you're going to have a lot of games were the tying run gets stranded at third while your big guns strike out or get jammed inside and hit into a double play.

The really crazy thing about it is even with the pitching staff melting down and the offense wasting many of their good outings, the team is still playing .500 ball! They are 19-19 and only three and a half back of the first place Marlins. Let me repeat: the freakin' MARLINS whose entire payroll is less than the salary of Alex Rodriguez's accountant are in first place. That means that as bad off as the Braves are, the Mets and Phillies once again haven't taken advantage of it and run away with the division yet. So while they are certainly a mess right now, they're definitely not out of it and they have a good enough team to be in first as their Pythagorean Win-Loss record of 23-15 shows. Someone just has Greg Brady's Hawaiian tiki idol hanging in their locker or something.

While I'm not panicking yet, about half of Atlanta is, which means the trade rumors are heating up. You knew this one would pop up sooner or later though. Yep, let's bring back Maddux and reunite the Hall-bound trio for one last hurrah. And lets go out and get Steve Avery while we're at it. Charlie Liebrandt and Denny Neagle are certainly available. Closer worries? No problem! Go out and get Alejandro Pena, Mark Wohlers and John Rocker and have a closer by committee. Hell, Rocker will work for the minimum and help out as a groundskeeper to boot. The absolute stupidest thing about this trade is it actually makes sense.

The Braves are in absolute win now mode with Smoltz and Glavine getting courted by AARP, Chipper about to start declining and lets face it Teixeira is leaving at the end of the year. Liberty Media is just as likely to lower the payroll by $20 million as they are to raise it, and Tex is going to get several banks (maybe even one or two that are actually solvent!) thrown at him by the New York clubs. So the Bravos have one last run in them and their most desperate need right now is someone who can chew up innings without embarrassing himself. Meanwhile the Padres are in free fall and might want to shop some of their elderly statesman. They just chucked Jim Edmonds out on his ear, so it's a possibility at least. All rumors, especially ones as obvious as this, should be taken with very large grains of salt but it's at least something to distract from the daily grind this early in the season. I'm normally against the thought shipping off prospects for old and busted pitchers, but in this case I'll have to make an exception. My grandmother who watches every game religiously is a Maddux fanatic and would be dancing on top of the TV if this happened. That would certainly make the rest of the season interesting, that's for sure.

Update: I knew that if I whined about Tommy Traitor getting no wins in this post the Baseball Gods would give him a victory to make me look stupid. Reverse psycolology...

Oh No, Not Again

Len Pasquarelli is reporting that the Falcons are interested in USC coach Pete Carroll for their head coach opening. Pete's apparently actually interested in the job! Oh Goody! Just what this franchise needs, another Big Splash From Arthur B.! It's the best of both worlds, a failed retread NFL coach and a college coach looking to jump for more money! Plus Pete's willingness to dump a dream college job that he can pretty much have for life for about two and a half years in the trainwreckiest trainwreck of a franchise ever which happens to have a dysfunctional roster at the moment surely indicates great intelligence and mental stability! Sign Pete, draft a wide receiver in the first round and as soon as Vick gets out of rehab WE'LL GO ALL THE WAY, BABY! WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!

I am this close to becoming a Titans fan, I swear to God....

IMPORTANT - URGENT PRODUCT SAFETY RECALL

Just over two weeks since Upper declared 'cards are safe' in response to the many unsafe toy recalls this year, Upper Deck is facing its own crisis as their 2007 Sweet Spot product has been recalled due to safety concerns.

Due to the extremely hazardous nature of the product, Upper Deck is immediately requiring all boxes of 2007 Sweet Spot to be returned immediately and released this statement:

"It has come to our attention that 2007 Upper Deck Sweet Spot Baseball contains cards that should not have been included in the product release. Accordingly, the Upper Deck Company has sent notices to its customers requiring them to return any and all 2007 Upper Deck Sweet Spot Baseball product that they have received and/or that they may receive in the coming days."

The foreign substance that was accidentally added to the ingredients of the normally safe cardboard and foil collectibles has been identified:


Satire.

Satire is considered extremely dangerous, especially when children are in danger of exposure and has been regulated as a Schedule 1 controlled substance since early 2002. Dr. M.Y. Nameisfake, head of the humorous pathology department at the CDC in Atlanta explains the danger:

In today's world, the sense of humor in many people has atrophied to the point where any attempt at caricature, mockery or sarcastic jibes, jests or japes no longer trigger the reward center of the brain normally affected by laughter. Due to the humorless society we live in, these things that can be termed as 'funny' instead trigger high blood pressure, irritability and a rise in bile. Instead of trying to convince the populace to exercise the atrophied humor reflex to improve their general health and well being, we've found it's easier to make humor a controlled substance and just ban the stuff.

When informed of the crisis at his Crawford Ranch, President Bush stated "think of the children" before going on a 2 hour ramble about how he once traded Sammy Sosa.

Unfortunately, some of the toxic material has been released into the wild and collectors have been cautioned to take extreme care lest they accidentally come in contact with it and become offended. Some collectors have already been infected and are currently being treated for offensensitivity. If you are in a hobby shop, PLEASE use extreme caution if you encounter a box of 2007 Sweet Spot and avoid it at all costs. It would be best to purchase a product that is insipidly boring and useless instead. This is a real blow to Upper Deck as they were counting on the buzz from their unannounced autographed insert to help boost sales of the product:


an official Kurt Vonnegut autograph.

Be safe out there people.