ON THE FIFTH DAY OF AD-MAS

GOT A THEME GOING TODAY: 70S FANTASY COMIC MAGAZINES

THE BASIC DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COMICS AND MAGAZINES IN THE 70S IS A MAGAZINE COULD SHOW TITS FOR SOME REASON. AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE YOU CAN SEE BATMAN'S DONG IN AN ACTUAL COMIC BOOK? THERE ARE SOME ADVANTAGES TO LIVING IN A ROTTEN, CORRUPT, FAILED SOCIETY ON THE VERGE OF COLLAPSE. THE ALLURE OF CARTOON BUTTS IN THEIR MAGAZINES  MEANT THE PUBLISHERS COULD TARGET THEIR ADS TO A DIFFERENT DEMOGRAPHIC. THEY DON'T HAVE TO MARKET CHEAP CRAP TO CHILDREN, THEY CAN MARKET EXPENSIVE CRAP TO MAN-CHILDREN. AS SOMEONE WHO HAS SPENT PROBABLY AT LEAST ONE ENTIRE DAY THIS YEAR WRITING BLOG POSTS ABOUT ANCIENT COMIC BOOK ADS THIS IS RIGHT UP MY ALLEY

THE SAVAGE SWORD OF CONAN #47 DECEMBER 1979

STAN LEE PRESENTS: BOOBS BUTTS AND BEEFCAKE SLAUGHTERING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT AND POSING ON A GIGANTIC PILE OF CORPSES. THESE ARE PRETTY GOOD! NOT WALLY WOOD LEVELS OF FILTH BUT REASONABLY INAPPROPRIATE.THIS ONE ADAPTS THE STORY THE TREASURE OF TRANICOS AND FEATURES ART FROM GIL KANE AND JOHN BUSCEMA. IT'S KINDA LIKE GROO WITH LESS JOKES AND WAY LESS MURDER. AND NO ADS TILL WAAAAY IN THE BACK SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON THE BUTTS STORY

HERE'S A TWO PAGE SPREAD OF MOONDANCE PRODUCTION WARES. THESE DUDES ADVERTISED ALL OVER MARVEL MAGAZINES AND IS IN ALL BUT ONE OF MY CONAN ISSUES. THE BOTTOM HALF IS FILLED WITH COMIC BACK ISSUES INCLUDING CONAN, RED SONJA, AVENGERS, X-MEN AND... MICRONAUTS? THERE'S EVEN WORDS WITH BOOKS IF YOU'RE A BIG OL' EGGHEAD. FORGET THAT THOUGH, I WANT ME A FRANK FRAZETTA POSTER. THE BARBARIAN IS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE SINCE THIS ISSUE'S COVER IS BASICALLY AN EAR NOREM INTERPRETATION OF THE PAINTING. THE SILVER WARRIOR IS PRETTY BAD-ASS, POLAR BEARS ARE COOL AS HELL. AND DEATH-DEALER AND THE BESERKER  ARE IN A DEATH STRUGGLE TO CLAIM THE TITLE OF MOST FUCKIN' METAL POSTER. ARGH I CAN'T CHOOSE. I SHOULD JUST GET ONE OF HIS UBIQUITOUS CALENDARS

THE OTHER PAGE HAS SOMETHING YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAY - CONAN THE BARBARIAN RECORD ALBUMS. CONAN STORIES NARRATED BY EDITOR L. SPRAGUE de CAMP. QUICK, TO DISCOGS!

WARREN PRESENTS #1 RING OF THE WARLORDS JANUARY 1979

THIS IS SADLY THE ONLY WARREN PUBLICATION IN MY COLLECTION AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GOT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. WARREN PRESENTS WAS A REPACKAGE OF STUFF FROM EARLIER MAGAZINES LIKE CREEPY OR EERIE WITH SOME SORT OF UNITING THEME LIKE VAMPIRES OR ALIENS OR IN THIS CASE SWORDS AND SORCERY CRAP. SINCE IT'S AN ANTHOLOGY YOU GET SEVERAL DIFFERENT STORIES AND CAN LOOK AT SEVERAL DIFFERENT MOSTLY UNCLOTHED HEROES INSTEAD OF JUST ONE ALTHOUGH NONE ARE AS BEEFY AS CONAN. THIS ONE DOES HAVE A WALLY WOOD STORY IN IT AND THEREFORE IS THE BEST.

THIS MAG'S AD IS A GIANT SECTION FOR CAPTAIN COMPANY WHO IS SELLING A GREAT VARIETY OF PRODUCTS INCLUDING STAR WARS BOOKS, SUPERMAN BEDSPREADS (?), LATEX MONSTER MASKS AND BACK ISSUES OF WARREN MAGAZINES. THERE'S ALSO A REALLY GORGEOUS FULL COLOR AD FOR ART BOOKS ON THE BACK I KINDA REGRET NOT SCANNING NOW. BUT CLASSIC MONSTER MOVIES IN GLORIOUS BLACK & WHITE SUPER 8 IS THE THING THAT REALLY CAUGHT MY EYE. HOME VIDEO IN 1979 IS WILD. CARRADINE'S DRACULA. CHANEY'S MUMMY. HAMMER'S FRANKENSTEIN. GODZILLA! TWO GHIDRAHS!! A MOVIE ABOUT KILLER SNAILS! YA COULDN'T JUST PULL UP ALL THESE FILMS ON YOUTUBE WAY BACK IN THE DAY YOU NEED A PROJECTOR. THE THING I WANT THE MOST IS THAT PSYCHO SCRIPT AND PHOTO BOOK. THIS IS HOW YOU HAD TO RELIVE MOVIES BACK IN THE DARK AGES, BY READING IT IN A PICTURE BOOK. UNLIKE ALL THE MOVIES YOU CAN'T FIND THIS BOOK JUST BY GOOGLING IT

NATIONAL LAMPOON JUNE 1972 - THE SCIENCE FICTION ISSUE

SO THE ORIGINAL PLAN FOR THIS ONE WAS TO USE A HEAVY METAL ISSUE FROM THE LATE 70S-EARLY 80S BUT I COULD ONLY FIND ONE AND THAT BARELY HAD ANY ADS. LUCKILY I WAS ABLE TO PIVOT TO A PARODY OF HEAVY METAL THAT WAS SOMEHOW CREATED FIVE YEARS BEFORE IT DEBUTED IN THE STATES. BECK BEFORE IT WAS A BRAND NAME FOR MEDIOCRE-TO-TERRIBLE EDGY COMEDY FILMS IT WAS A BRAND NAME FOR A MEDIOCRE-TO-TERRIBLE EDGY COMEDY MAGAZINE. IT HAD BOOBS THO AND SOME DECENT COMICS BUT AS A WHOLE IT AGED AS WELL AS EDGY HUMOR FROM THE 70S COULD BE EXPECTED TO AGE. DOES THE FRAZETTA COVER PARODY EVEN REGISTER AS PARODY NOWADAYS? WAIT, HOLY SHIT, THAT IS A FRANK FRAZETTA COVER. BUT HONESTLY THE DEEPLY DISTURBING GAHAN WILSON ARTICLE IN THIS WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION. RIP GAHAN YOU WONDERFUL TWISTED BASTARD. THE OTHER REASON I BOTHERED TO SCAN THIS ONE WAS FOR THIS UBIQUITOUS 70S AD

GOOD OL' COLUMBIA HOUSE RECORD CLUB. ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES WHEN I WAS A KID WAS TO FIND ONE OF THESE ADS IN A MAGAZINE AND PICK OUT WHICH RECORDS I WOULD BUY

SO I'M GONNA DO JUST THAT RIGHT NOW

NUMBER ONE DRAFT PICK IS OBVIOUSLY 208363 BLACK SABBATH - MASTER OF REALITY. GOTTA HAVE MY SABBATH
SECOND PICK IS 164152 JOHNNY CASH - LIVE AT FOLSOM PRISON
GOTTA GO WITH 210237 SLY AND THE FAMILY STONE - THERE'S A RIOT GOIN' ON
NEXT 210153 JIMI HENDRIX - RAINBOW BRIDGE
CAN'T GO WRONG WITH 209940 QUINCY JONES - SMACKWATER JACK

AFTER THIS IT GETS COMPLICATED SINCE MOST OF THE OTHER NO-BRAINERS I ALREADY HAVE ON VINYL. ZEPPELIN 4, SANTANA - ABRAXAS, THE BEST OF BILL COSBY (DON'T WANNA HEAR IT) AND SWITCHED-ON BACH. NOT GONNA GET ALBUMS I ALREADY HAVE BUT I DO HAVE AN ALTERNATE MOOG ALBUM:

207662 EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO HEAR ON THE MOOG* BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK FOR - DUMB TITLE BUT MOOOOOOOOOOG
SINCE I'M A CERTIFIED CHEAPSKATE I HAVE TO GET ONE OF THE TWO RECORD SETS THAT COUNT AS ONE SELECTION, BUT WHICH ONE? YOU'RE ALL GOING TO YELL AT ME, BUT I'M GOING WITH 209726 CHICAGO - AT CARNEGIE HALL. YEP, NO DYLAN FOR ME. PICK YOUR OWN RECORDS

HALFWAY THROUGH AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THE SELECTIONS I SEE SOMETHING NEW. THIS IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT AND I'M SURE I'LL MISS SOMETHING GOOD. JUST GOING TO DO THIS AS QUICK AS POSSIBLE AND NOT THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH

191817 SERGIO MENDES & BRASIL '66 - GREATEST HITS FOR SOME LATIN JAZZ
210997 THE DOORS - L.A. WOMAN - EH WHY NOT
198911 CAT STEVENS - TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN - HAD TO CHOOSE ONE OF 'EM
210179 ARETHA FRANKLIN'S GREATEST HITS - SAME
198986 JANIS JOPLIN - PEARL - DID YOU EXPECT CAROLE KING
189647 THE BEST OF RAMSEY LEWIS - I WANNA HEAR THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF DANCING IN THE STREET
200469 HANK WILLIAMS' GREATEST HITS - FUUUUCKKKK ITTTTTT

OK THERE'S MY SELECTIONS FOR A MEASLY $2.86. PLUS 10 MORE ALBUMS IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS FOR 6 BUCKS EACH. ALBUMS FROM 1973 AND 74. POP ALBUMS FROM 1973 AND 74. OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT. I'LL JUST BUY THIS RECORD INSTEAD