The Kid Who Could - Page 14

It's a national holiday, so instead of doing anything productive I'm going to post a comic of Ozzie doing his wizardry. If you have no idea what this is because it's been weeks since I posted a page from the comic just click here and read from the beginning.

Ozzie fields!

Ozzie hits!

Ozzie smiles!

Ozzie does all these amazing things but the only thing I see on the page is Tony's lumpy, misshapen head in the bottom right corner of the page. I never knew Tony the Tiger had that many chins. Too much sugary cereal I guess.

The Kid Who Could - Page 13

It's been forever since I did one of these, but this page is so gawd-awful boring that I couldn't figure out what to write. I'mma just gonna go for it, boring be damned.

Little Peter wins the trivia contest, the security guards give Ozzie that look reminding him to get the kids and large anthropomorphic carnivore the hell off the field and our heroes protagonists the idiots this comic are about trudge up to their seats. Someone recognizes them, then they sit down. that's about it. I did notice one goof -

Ozzie got them choice seats on the first base side. So where are they sitting?

I don't know.... THIRD BASE.

The Kid Who Could - Page 12

When things get depressing, a good comic always cheers me up.

Too bad this is not a good comic. Oh well, time for another installment of...

The Kid Who Could

Ozzie bails on Tony and the kids to do his job. How rude. There's just enough time for one last question before the game starts. Moe haircut boy, already humiliated utterly by getting one baseball rules trivia question wrong, sits this one out so the dishonor he is inflicting upon his family does not become so great that the only honorable recourse is seppuku. Tennessee end-zone hat boy is up for the challenge and correctly answers that an Ump waving his arm up in the air like an idiot means that someone hit a home run. I instantly knew the answer to this question, scoffed at how easy it is, and suddenly realized that 97.8% of all humanity has no clue the answer to this question and quite frankly doesn't care. I then realized that I really am a humongous baseball nerd. And an elitist baseball nerd at that. I am now enlightened to my zen baseball geekery.

This page is actually pretty dang boring. That is, until you get to the money shot of the entire comic:

You knew Tony would get his catch phrase in there sooner or later. It's all downhill from here, folks.

The Kid Who Could - Page 11

It's been about eight years since I posted one of these so here you go:

THE KID WHO COULD...

host baseball rules trivia night...

This page is so ungodly boring, that the artists had to spice it up with the most basic of comic book tricks:

FLOATING

FREAKY

HEADS

Moe Howard and mullet boy answer Tony's dry boring horrible baseball rulebook questions perfectly until...

Whaaaa?? Spastic weirdo bug eyed shrimp boy with the ugly hat knows something about baseball THAT I DONT??? This shakes Peter (is it Peter? or Andrew? I've totally forgotten the names of these goobers in my boredom) to his core. Oh noes! A small kid with no natural skills who doesn't have the natural talent of Pia Zadora on the ballfield learns the rulebook backwards and forwards in order to gain a slight edge! UNPOSSIBLE! It's not like 99% of all MLB managers haven't pulled the exact same trick.

Nonetheless, Andrew's (or it is Peter?) entire worldview is shattered in an instant. At least that cameraman skulking in the background can't film his shame and put it on the YooToobs. Andreter can now either accept that the small kid might actually know his stuff and let him play, or flip his shit and kill the entire St. Louis Cardinals active roster with naught but his bare hands and gnashing, foaming teeth. Which will happen? This is the early '90s, so the latter option in a comic book expressly targeted toward children is not entirely out of the question! Which will it be???

Find out in the next thrilling episode of...

THE KID WHO COULD

Right here! Whenever I get around to uploading the rest of the scans from the comic!

The Kid Who Could - page 10

Today, Brian McCann is the Kid Who Could. In 1992 it was a goofy looking kid with a stupid hat. Let us discover the fate of your young hero now that Ozzie has led him into the press conference from Hell.

Quiz time! You've invited two wide-eyed kids into a Major League clubhouse for the first and likely only time in their lives so the obvious thing to do is to play an impromptu round of Jeopardy to see if they are worthy of the honor. The transition from ridiculous baseball fantasy comic to hardcore intellectual competition is somewhat abrupt, but speaking as a nerd myself, I APPROVE. This page is an homage to all the baseball trivia and 'You make the call' cartoons on the backs of baseball cards. Ozzies questions are good I suppose, but the questions I really want answered is who are all these random players on this comic? Two players on this page have telling clues to help us figure them out.

This guy here in the rundown with the dumpy ass shows two letters from his name on the back of his jersey. AM are the last two letters in his name. Let's check the 1992 St. Louis Cardinal roster and see who has those letters at the end of their name. Um, no one. 1991? Nope. 1990? Well, phooey. This will be harder than I thought. Wait, what if the photo was a reverse negative? The the AM becomes MA and you have left hander Joe Magrane in the rundown. It makes perfect sense! Well, except for the fact that the BALL STRIKE OUT on the scoreboard isn't reversed. Easily explained! the artist used an existing photo of a rundown as a guide and realised it was a reverse negative after completing his drawing. He fixed the words but nothing else. As long as you all don't figure out that the play goes from a third to home rundown to a home to first rundown with the flip of the picture, my explanation is entirely plausible. So don't figure that out, OK?

Now that we've sorted that out, who is this fellow?

Here we have a right handed infielder with number 50-something. The bottom of the second number is straight, so it has to be 1, 4, 7 or maybe 9. Let's check out a different St. Louis 1992 roster with uniform numbers and we find that it is... Number 54 Tracy Woodson, infielder for the 1992 St. Louis Cardinals! Right handed infielder, right number, right team, It has to be Tracy. Mystery solved! What's that you say? Tracy played first and third base and not second base as depicted in this picture? It's pre-game warmups!  There are kids wandering around on the field! Tracy can goof around and play a little second base if he wants! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL TRACY WOODSON'S MOMENT OF GLORY?!? Seriously, I dare you to find answers to these burning questions of our time better than Joe Magrane and Tracy Woodson. While you're answering questions, answer this one please:

Jamie Moyer was a Cardinal? When the heck did that happen??? I don't remember that at all!

The Kid Who Could - Page 9

AWSOME! COOL! A BREAK FROM ALL THE ALLEN & GINTER!

Tony and the boys have made it into the stadium and are dumbfounded by all the empty stands. This is supposed to be a Cardinals game, not a game in Miami! Ozzie is able to pick them out easily among the other 7 fans in the stands and invites them all to the dugout, which is full or the most motley of characters since the Star Wars Cantina. Smirky McCopstashe in the foreground is having a good laugh at the impromptu press conference.

This panel is all kinds of awesome. We've got Oprah Winfrey's dumpy sister doing an interview while her idiot cameraman films something else. A 1940's style reporter complete with fedora and ugly suit takes noted for his beat column. It appears that a rogue camera is about to clonk the dude with the flattop and shades. All this is happening while the Cardinal player (Terry Pendleton? He's fat enough, but TP might have been a Brave by this point) is explaining something that is bizarre at best and obscene at worst to the crowding reporters. Seriously, what the hell is he doing? Somebody think up a caption for this interview, I really need to know what's going on with TP there.

The Kid Who Could - Page 8

Filth, filth and more filth.

Enough of the writer's depraved mind, let's get to page 8 of The Kid Who Could Could. Here we have our first major plot twist.

Andrew is impressed enough with Peter's skills to play ball with him in an informal setting, but there's no way he's going to let someone on his team without all the requisite measurables. Andrew has all the makings of a future NFL GM. However, Tony the anthropomorphic spokescat has one more trick up his sleeve. Well, he doesn't actually have sleeves, but it's tucked in under his cravat somewhere. Specifically, three tickets to The Big Game.

You can tell this comic is almost twenty years old by this scene right here. I dare you to show me even one of today's overprotective helicopter parents who would allow their child to just up and go to a ballgame with some random dude who wandered into the neighborhood with tickets in his hand. I know Tony's pretty famous and one of the most beloved cereal mascots around, but Michael Jackson was really beloved and famous and that didn't turn out well. Hell, I get evil looks from all the paranoid soccer moms at the park when I take my own children there. You think they're going to trust their precious spawn to a natural (carniverous) predator? The fact that the kids are playing outside at all is pretty sketchy in today's society.

I never got to go to Busch stadium before it got leveled, so I'll have to rely on a Cardinal fan (paging Mr. Madding...) to let me know how faithful a representation this is. It looks a heck of a lot like old Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium though, whuch I believe was stamped out of the same mold. I'm not as interested in the stadium as the crowd. Comic book crowds are almost always gold as the bored artist gets to go wild for a panel to create all that background filler. This is a pretty good crowd here, I'm a ringer for the big guy on the left, although I'm not a fan of polka dot shirts. There are no less than three guys wearing flannel shirts which was the fashion of the time, one of whom appears to be wearing a bowler hat, which was not. Not too many ladies at the ballpark, but there's one right in center who is either very tall and slender or Tim Curry from Rocky Horror. Either way she is sex-AY.And who's that on the far right? It's Carmen Sandiego! We found her! The little boy she's with suffers from a very unfortunate case of 'guy in front's leg appearing in an awkward place'. More filth from the artist, tsk tsk. I'm not going to smother my children with overprotection, but I'm sure as hell keeping them away from anyone who creates comics.

The Kid Who Could - Page 7

Well... here goes...

And the pitch... WHACK! A screaming liner a good six feet to the right of Peter who still manages to get in front of the ball and deflect it a bit. AND ANDREW STILL ISN'T SATISFIED. "I told you so..." I told you that a ten year old couldn't field a hard line drive from the bat of a major league All Star. Nope, not good enough for my team! I have to admit here that Ozzie has far more patience in this situation then I would have had. Ozzie gives some helpful coaching and hits the next ball more softly to Peter to give him a chance to practice his skills. I would be nailing screaming line drives at Andrew's head. "Oh, Peter can't field eh? BROOKS ROBINSON can't catch my hits, bitch! Here, try to catch this one! POW! And this one! WHACK! You can't catch with your face, fool! Quit bleeding and get yer ass up and PITCH!"

Unlike me, Ozzie remains cool and collected and provides an enjoyable, educational time for all. With that tiger roaming around I'm surprised that Ozzie can keep his composure. Especially when panels like this:

Are somewhat disturbingly reminiscent of this:

Which reminds me of this:

I keep telling you, comic artists are sick and like to put shocking things in their books. I don't care if the movie didn't come out for another 15 years. THEY ANTICIPATED IT.

The Kid Who Could - Page 6

When we last left Ozzie and the gang, Peter had just hit a mighty, powerful seeing eye dribber much to the amazement of all. One hit is just lucky, it's time to see what little Peter can do with his stick.

It looks like little Peter can handle his wood! Ah, but can he don the leather? (don't give me that look, they started it) And now we find out that all the other kids not named Peter or Andrew are just meaningless window dressing. I'm going ot let Peter bat, then I'll hit everything to Peter! BUT WHAT ABOUT JUAN??? Sammy Sosa used his off day with the Sox to do this comic and now he's just standing around with his thumb up his butt. Sammy shall have his revenge on the Cardinals... Oh yes he shall.

Meanwhile, to Andrew's chagrin Peter is hitting all his tough-to-hit pitches for dribbling grounders or weak line drives to the shortstop. Where are the strikeouts?? Andrew wanted to be Roger Clemens, not Greg Maddux! Better get on the juice, boy! Andrew almost ended up like Charlie Brown on that last pitch, with flannel shirt and socks flying in the air.

Once again Ozzie Smith is impressed by weak grounders. You don't need to hit home runs, kid! Just look at me! I can't hit worth a flip and I made out all right! All Peter needs to do is field like a jackrabbit on meth. Is little Peter up to the task? Find out on page 7!

The Kid Who Could - Page 5

Hooray, it's comics time! I'm two pages behind on my self imposed schedule, so the only logical thing to do is to change the schedule to Monday-Wednesday-Friday for the comic updates so I'm back on track. You know what... forget that. ONE PAGE A WEEK. We'll be done by the end of the year, maybe. Now I can get ahead of schedule for once.

Today: actual real baseball playing action!!!

I almost abandoned this project when I saw a certain bit of dialogue. Remember when I put forth the theory that comic writers get bored when doing ridiculous throwaway comics and sneak in filthy innuendos in order to amuse themselves? Well, um...

IMMA JUST LEAVE THIS RIGHT HERE

LET US NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN

Filth aside, this is a pretty good page of action here. There's a nice big picture of a ball field with only slightly wonky perspective (are the left field bleachers about 10 yards behind third base or what?) and more really bad hair in the foreground. Andrew has good mechanics on his pitch, Peter follows through on his swing. Both have epic speed lines accompanying their athletic feats so you know they're good. Then it all falls apart in this panel:

Only Ozzie Smith would think a seeing eye dribbler past a terrified second baseman recoiling in horror and a center fielder who was not paying attention is a display of power hitting. Now, to put some perspective on it, these are children, Peter is the smallest child, so making solid contact and getting on base really is a pretty good show for Peter. Ozzie's just shilling for him a little too much. You'd almost think the Wizard has some sort of financial incentive here, like he's Peter's agent, or is setting up up a wager where everyone bets on Peter before he finally wets the bed in a real game. Nah, this is Ozzie Smith, not Pete Rose. Tony the Tiger probably told him to talk up the kid or else Donovan Osbourne will get mauled before his next start. Tony won't do it himself, mind you, Tony's the head of the operation. Fruit Brute handles the dirty work.

The Kid Who Could - Page 4

AAAAH OZZIE GOT ZOMBIE EYEBALL - THIS TURNED INTO A HORROR COMIC RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

Oh wait, there's just the tiniest hint of an iris up at the top. Very subtle work by the inker there. Let's carry on with the story shall we?
 
All righty, page four and the practice has ended. Looks like Bernard Gilkey was invited, Good for you, Gilk! The rest of the team heads for home while Ozzie takes a quick drink at the water fountain. Remember, this is before Gatorade had sponsored every single professional athlete in existence and someone like Ozzie could still drink liquids without artificial coloring, electrolytes and good ol' high fructose corn syrup to replenish his precious bodily fluids.  This was a fateful decision as it resulted in him being ambushed by a carnivorous cereal spokesman.

Ah, but Ozzie isn't about to be devoured as part of this balanced breakfast, he and Tony go way back. Tony concocts a cockamamie scheme to get the kids to let Peter play ball with them. By playing a pick up game with Ozzie Smith who is known more for his glove than his bat, the kids will now associate Peter's weak feeble attempts at the plate with Ozzie and think "well, he can't hit worth a crap, but he can probably field" and let him play. Or something like that. Ozzie is cool and takes this slight in stride, acknowledging that teams thought he was pretty useless early on in his career. BUT THEN HE SHOWED THEM. HE SHOWED THEM AAAAALLL. TRADE ME FOR GARRY TEMPLETON WILL YOU? GRRRRAAAAAAR. (backflips) Tony does this all very conspiratorially too, notice in panel four how all the kids are thirty yards away gawking at Ozzie while Peter just drools in shock that he's meeting a real live ballplayer.

DUUUUUUUUUUR

YOU IS OZZIE HURF DURF

Of course I might be reading this scene incorrectly. Peter might just be terrified that he's about to get a bad touch from some weirdo in a fursuit. Or sacrificed in some sort of wizard ritual to keep the magic in Ozzie's glove. "He's the tiniest and with that fashion sense, he's bound to be a virgin. The Baseball Gods will be pleased with this sacrifice" Minutes later the creeping terror has passed and Peter is about to get his chance to at bat.

The Kid Who Could - Page 3

Three pages in and I'm already behind. Luckily, I scheduled no posts for the weekends just in case a kerfuffle came up that would distract me from keeping my schedule. Here's page three of the Kellogg's/SI/DC Ozzie Smith Epic.

Ok, I can't not talk about this any longer. A sleeveless green and orange collared shirt? Who the hell wore that ever? Was this a hugely popular fashion in the early '90s and I was too much of a dork to notice? Seriously, rugby shirts with the sleeves ripped off? Who did that?? And don't get me started about the orange and white Tennessee end zone cap. If I saw someone on the street wearing one of those I'd smack 'em. At least Peter is kinda sorta stylish with his grungy flannel shirt and crappy vest shoplifted from a thrift store.

The plot speeds on. The boys play, Peter sulks, Tony invites them all to see a little guy who became a giant. Silly Tiger, Ozzie played for the Padres, not the Giants. Finally on page three we get to see Ozzie in the flesh fielding a screaming line drive off a phungo. Amazingly Ozzie is playing a pickup game of baseball (remember those?) with a bunch of nobodies wearing official St. Louis Cardinals uniforms. Guys like Pedro Guerrero, Andres Galarraga, Bernard Gilkey and Ray Lankford.

Oh wait, never mind, all those guys are black or Latino and every single player on this field is lily white. INCLUDING OZZIE:

Somehow in between panel 4 and 5 Ozzie went all Michael Jackson on us and lost his red long sleeve shirt along with most of his melanin. He kept the beard though, thankfully. Don't worry kids, he changes back, the colorist isn't that daft. Ozzie throws to Todd Zeile, the workout ends and Tony brings the kids over to pester beg for autographs from invade the privacy of talk to Ozzie Smith. Ahh... but that's on page 4....

The Kid Who Could - Page 2

After a one page setup we jump straight into the plot. There's also a surprise on this page!

Peter hotfoots it over to a remarkably diverse collection of children. there's even a girl playing baseball! Imagine that! Kellogg's is apparently a really progressive company, or at least was back in the early '90s. In panel two we meet Peter's co-star, Andrew. I'm eventually going to get around to all the hideous clothes these urchins are wearing, but once again I feel it necessary to harp on a haircut.

Is there not a single barber in this town? Half these kids have a bowl cut and Andrew here is sporting a particularly egregious Moe haircut. With all the diversity going on I originally thought Andrew was the token Asian character, but the colorer but a stop to that by slapping blue eyes on the kid. Don't worry, there's a girl with a black ponytail on page 7 so this comic was able to get their diversity certificate.

Once the writers have established the main characters they pounce on the conflict. No J Michael Straczinski style dialogue where the heroes talk things over for several issues, this is a one off that needs to be wrapped up in 16 pages. "Can I play?" No, you're too little" WHAM - CONFLICT. Right there on page two, panel four and we're off. The panel is a little squicky to me though, the layout looks like a scene from a coming of age gay porno on Lifetime. Comic artists are notorious preverts like (don't click on these links, they're disgusting and NSFW) Bill Ward, Wally Wood and Rob Liefeld, so I'm pretty darn sure this was intentional.

Even worse is Juan's showing up to play literally seconds after Andrew dismisses Peter because he's too short. "But Juan always plays with us..." Then why didn't you say that instead of  "Sorry kid, we need a player but Juan always takes his time getting here. Tell ya what, we'll wait a few minutes if he doesn't show up you can play. Oh wait, there he is now!" Ah, but if Andrew didn't expose his sizeist bigotry Tony the Tiger wouldn't have shown up. No, that's not the surprise I promised you. Tony's on the cover, that's no surprise. The surprise is Juan:

To make the baseball scenes as realistic as possible, DC hired a few up and coming major leaguers to appear in the comic. Have you guessed who's playing the fashionably late Juan yet?

That's right, Sammy Sosa. Why wound a Cubs legend allow himself to be seen in a comic featuring Cardinal Ozzie Smith? Remember, he did this back before he was traded to the Cubs. He's not proud of it, but he was young and needed the money. Good thing he put on glasses to fool everyone.

The Kid Who Could - Page 1

All righty then, we've passed the lawyer approved warning to never ever go out and play lest Kellogg's be liable for any injuries suffered trying to play baseball like an anthropomorphic tiger. Time for some comics. We set the scene in an average kitchen in suburbia. Breakfast is served, complete with delicious Kellogg's Frosted Flakes. What, did you expect waffles? This Week In Baseball plays an Ozzie Smith highlight on an absolutely ancient television set. How about that! And two disturbingly freaky children are there to enjoy the repast.

Ok, what the hell is going on with that kid's hair. Not the blonde kid, he's the hero and thus designed to be a Macaulay Culkin clone. Although in panel two, he looks less like Home Alone and more like a Hitler youth from Triumph of the Will. It took all my willpower to not MSPaint a little blonde toothbrush mustache and a pink, purple and teal exxxxtreeeeme swastika on the kid. No, I'm talking about frogboy.

What in the world is that mop on his head? When has Davy Crockett coonskin cap hair ever been an acceptable fashion statement? If the kid was a little less dorky and a little more rednecky I would say that is an example of  the rare reverse mullet. Party on top, business in the back. Although that's more like an orgy than a party.

I think I got the hairstyle figured out after some serious thought on the matter. I was wondering why these two kids were eating breakfast together. They are either friends or brothers. They sure can't be brothers unless the milkman has cokebottle glasses and a mop of orange hair. If they are friends, then why is Macaulay rushing off to play baseball leaving his dorky friend in the house? Then it struck me - that kid is the dictionary definition of red-headed stepchild. While the blonde aryan son gets proper fuhrer haircuts from the hair stylist, Frogboy McGinger gets the bowl cut. The bowl has apparently gotten bigger and bigger over the years.

This page sets up the plot quite nicely. Baseball fan sees kids about to play baseball and rushes out to try to get into the game. Dorky stepbrother warns the baseball fan that he'll never get picked because children are cruel hateful monsters who only wish to crush your dreams. Plucky hero rushes out anyway to almost certain disappointment. Actually frogboy might actually be the hero in this tale. After all, he's the one who knows not to try any new exercises without proper adult supervision. No, a talking tiger is not proper adult supervision.

The Kid Who Could - Inside cover

I worked it out, and if I post one page every weekday I'll finish this puppy up by June 29th, which leaves one last day in the month for a tearful goodbye as DC Comics, Sports Illustrated and Kellogg's lawyers shut down the blog and run me into bankrupcy for violating their intellectual property by making fun of crappily scanned images of a piece of throwaway ephemera that they all made their money on almost 20 years ago. June is now officially the month of The Kid Who Could, and not of idiot umpires making ludicrous calls to ensure that the game is all about them and not the players' achievements while the rest of his umpiring crew and a neutered, useless commissioner look on impotently as it happens. Not even a zombie Eric Gregg tackling Albert Pujols and devouring his brains as he rounds third after hitting his 5th home run of a game can spoil this majesty of Tony the Tiger playing ball with the Wizard of Oz now.

I know you're all psyched for cartoon Ozzie Smith, but we have to do this the right way and show off the inside cover first. Inside covers are usually pretty lame in comics, and this one is no different. Here we have an introduction to the comic written by some intern and cynically attributed to Ozzie Smith. Here's the text for all you people too lazy to click the image so you can read it:

Dear Sports  Fan:

I hope you enjoy this issue of Tony's Sports Comics.™ 

"The Kid Who Could" is the story of how Tony the Tiger and I helped a couple of boys, Peter and Andrew, discover that good kings come in small packages. Peter shows Andrew that you don't have to be a big, home run hitter to be a good ballplayer. You can also win games with good fielding, good baserunning, good hitting, and good sense. 

WHY DID NO ONE GIVE A COPY OF THIS COMIC TO BUD SELIG IN 1992???!!?!

Oh how this comic could have changed the world. I can hear the conversation that could should have occurred in 1996 in my head right now...

"Hey everybody! No more stadiums the size of little league fields! No more tightening the baseballs to make them go farther! No more turning a blind eye to steroids! We're going back to basics!"

"But Mr. Selig! We need to bring back fans after the strike! We need to encourage a lot of home runs and artificially inflated offense to make the game more exciting!"

"NO!!! Peter and Andrew and Tony the Tiger have taught me that you don't need to hit home runs to be a good ballplayer! A game with good pitching, fielding baserunning and fundamental baseball skills is better than a 15-12 slugfest! How could I have been so blind?!? QUICK! Tear down Coors Field! Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa - Banned for Life! Bring back the mushball they used to use in the deadball era! NOTHING BUT FUNDAMENTAL BASEBALL FROM NOW ON!!!"

"Sir, Yes Sir!"

"And bring me some Kellogg's Frosted Flakes as part of this balanced breakfast! The Commissioner is hungry!"

That could have been our world, had only Bud not been such a big oatmeal fan.

The key to the entire page, if not the entire comic, is this disclaimer added to the bottom of the page:

To our readers: Remember, you should not try any new sports activities or exercises without the advice and supervision of a coach or physical education teacher. 

That's right kids! Trying new things is scary! Never go outside and play without strict supervision from someone with a Master's degree in physical education. Sorry all the coaches at your school got laid off because of budget cuts after they built that new stadium. Until the tax increase is passed and they can hire one of 'em back, stay inside and have a big bowl of Frosted Flakes while reading a DC comic!