I know you're all psyched for cartoon Ozzie Smith, but we have to do this the right way and show off the inside cover first. Inside covers are usually pretty lame in comics, and this one is no different. Here we have an introduction to the comic written by some intern and cynically attributed to Ozzie Smith. Here's the text for all you people too lazy to click the image so you can read it:
Dear Sports Fan:
I hope you enjoy this issue of Tony's Sports Comics.™
"The Kid Who Could" is the story of how Tony the Tiger and I helped a couple of boys, Peter and Andrew, discover that good kings come in small packages. Peter shows Andrew that you don't have to be a big, home run hitter to be a good ballplayer. You can also win games with good fielding, good baserunning, good hitting, and good sense.WHY DID NO ONE GIVE A COPY OF THIS COMIC TO BUD SELIG IN 1992???!!?!
Oh how this comic could have changed the world. I can hear the conversation that
"Hey everybody! No more stadiums the size of little league fields! No more tightening the baseballs to make them go farther! No more turning a blind eye to steroids! We're going back to basics!"
"But Mr. Selig! We need to bring back fans after the strike! We need to encourage a lot of home runs and artificially inflated offense to make the game more exciting!"
"NO!!! Peter and Andrew and Tony the Tiger have taught me that you don't need to hit home runs to be a good ballplayer! A game with good pitching, fielding baserunning and fundamental baseball skills is better than a 15-12 slugfest! How could I have been so blind?!? QUICK! Tear down Coors Field! Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa - Banned for Life! Bring back the mushball they used to use in the deadball era! NOTHING BUT FUNDAMENTAL BASEBALL FROM NOW ON!!!"
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
"And bring me some Kellogg's Frosted Flakes as part of this balanced breakfast! The Commissioner is hungry!"
That could have been our world, had only Bud not been such a big oatmeal fan.
The key to the entire page, if not the entire comic, is this disclaimer added to the bottom of the page:
To our readers: Remember, you should not try any new sports activities or exercises without the advice and supervision of a coach or physical education teacher.That's right kids! Trying new things is scary! Never go outside and play without strict supervision from someone with a Master's degree in physical education. Sorry all the coaches at your school got laid off because of budget cuts after they built that new stadium. Until the tax increase is passed and they can hire one of 'em back, stay inside and have a big bowl of Frosted Flakes while reading a DC comic!