I have no idea how to create pages but I'll figure it out eventually godammit

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Kid Who Could - Inside cover

I worked it out, and if I post one page every weekday I'll finish this puppy up by June 29th, which leaves one last day in the month for a tearful goodbye as DC Comics, Sports Illustrated and Kellogg's lawyers shut down the blog and run me into bankrupcy for violating their intellectual property by making fun of crappily scanned images of a piece of throwaway ephemera that they all made their money on almost 20 years ago. June is now officially the month of The Kid Who Could, and not of idiot umpires making ludicrous calls to ensure that the game is all about them and not the players' achievements while the rest of his umpiring crew and a neutered, useless commissioner look on impotently as it happens. Not even a zombie Eric Gregg tackling Albert Pujols and devouring his brains as he rounds third after hitting his 5th home run of a game can spoil this majesty of Tony the Tiger playing ball with the Wizard of Oz now.

I know you're all psyched for cartoon Ozzie Smith, but we have to do this the right way and show off the inside cover first. Inside covers are usually pretty lame in comics, and this one is no different. Here we have an introduction to the comic written by some intern and cynically attributed to Ozzie Smith. Here's the text for all you people too lazy to click the image so you can read it:

Dear Sports  Fan:
I hope you enjoy this issue of Tony's Sports Comics. 
"The Kid Who Could" is the story of how Tony the Tiger and I helped a couple of boys, Peter and Andrew, discover that good kings come in small packages. Peter shows Andrew that you don't have to be a big, home run hitter to be a good ballplayer. You can also win games with good fielding, good baserunning, good hitting, and good sense. 

Oh how this comic could have changed the world. I can hear the conversation that could should have occurred in 1996 in my head right now...

"Hey everybody! No more stadiums the size of little league fields! No more tightening the baseballs to make them go farther! No more turning a blind eye to steroids! We're going back to basics!"
"But Mr. Selig! We need to bring back fans after the strike! We need to encourage a lot of home runs and artificially inflated offense to make the game more exciting!"
"NO!!! Peter and Andrew and Tony the Tiger have taught me that you don't need to hit home runs to be a good ballplayer! A game with good pitching, fielding baserunning and fundamental baseball skills is better than a 15-12 slugfest! How could I have been so blind?!? QUICK! Tear down Coors Field! Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa - Banned for Life! Bring back the mushball they used to use in the deadball era! NOTHING BUT FUNDAMENTAL BASEBALL FROM NOW ON!!!"
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
"And bring me some Kellogg's Frosted Flakes as part of this balanced breakfast! The Commissioner is hungry!"

That could have been our world, had only Bud not been such a big oatmeal fan.

The key to the entire page, if not the entire comic, is this disclaimer added to the bottom of the page:

To our readers: Remember, you should not try any new sports activities or exercises without the advice and supervision of a coach or physical education teacher. 
That's right kids! Trying new things is scary! Never go outside and play without strict supervision from someone with a Master's degree in physical education. Sorry all the coaches at your school got laid off because of budget cuts after they built that new stadium. Until the tax increase is passed and they can hire one of 'em back, stay inside and have a big bowl of Frosted Flakes while reading a DC comic!


night owl said...

Wow, I violated that "new sports" rule about 58 different times as a kid.

And now I can't get the image of Bud Selig sitting down to a steaming bowl of oatmeal out of my head. It totally fits!

Todd Uncommon said...

It's tough to believe that lawyers have been inserting themselves into comic books since at least 1992. That's the only reason for a surgeon-general's warning label like that. I just wonder whose lawyers insisted on adding that?

Sports Illustrated's?
DC Comics'?
Ozzie Smith's?

I'm betting it was the cereal people; buncha flakes. (Hawr hawr hurr)

Could you imagine?

"Yes, my son went outside, as prompted by your malicious, so-called, "comic" book, and broke his face because he thought he could catch a ball, with what you call a "mitt".

No, this has nothing to with the fact my son has no idea what "milk" is. And yes, it is irrelevant that I should stop serving him Pepsi and Root Beer so he can develop something in his bones besides air pockets. My son may be as brittle as biscotti, but you sir, brainwashed him into thinking that he is durable enough to run forty-five feet--at one go!

I'm just glad he didn't die out there. I think. Pretty sure. Yeah, I'm glad."