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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

It's in the Cards

I'm pretty worthless when it comes to making predictions. My Royals vs. Giants Wold Series pick just didn't pan out. I really thought Gil Meche would lead Kansas City to the promised land. To aid me in my playoff prognostication, I've grabbed an old box of baseball cards to use as an impromptu Tarot deck. Let us see what the Future holds......

Division Series: Phillies vs. Rockies

The Colorado Rockies step up to the plate with a sweet retro-styled card of Todd Helton from 2002 Upper Deck Vintage. The Rocks haven't been to the postseason since 1995 and they want to make it count. The Phillies are loaded for bear however and counter with a 1984 Topps All-Star card of Steve Carlton. A fiercely fought matchup, but Lefty wins the day in the end.

Phillies in 5 games

Division Series: Red Sox vs. Angels

The '85 Topps set is a good one, and Don is sporting a nifty mustache. Psycho represents Boston on his 1986 card. Steve is apparently auditioning for Reggie Jackson's role in The Naked Gun. I must kill.... Frank Drebin... Don Aase never dropped his pants and showed his Aase in Tiger Stadium, so The Sox win this round.

Red Sox in 4 games

Division Series: Cubs vs. Diamondbacks

The Snakes take a page out of the Rockies' playbook and go with the 1954-themed heritage set. The cartoon on the back states that Steve got his degree in physiology in chiropractic school but decided to play baseball because chiropractic medicine is fake. Ok, it doesn't say that last part. It's actually just as real as Tarot cards. The Cubs go to the classic 1981 Topps set (Keep on voting, folks!) but it doesn't matter because the Cubs suck. They suck Aase. They are the suckiest suckers to ever suck. I could have pulled a gem mint Ernie Banks rookie out of that box and they'd still lose the series three games to one. They suck that bad. You should've let the goat watch the game suckers.

Diamondbacks in 3 games

Division Series: Indians vs. Yankees

Wow, Indians show up with an '82 Tom Veryzer. Yawn. Boring card in a boring set. Yankees steps up to the plate with Lou Piniella from their Championship year of 1977. This isn't even a contest, Tom Veryzer versus Sweet Lou in that great '77 set with Yankee stadium in the background... wait a minute, Lou's manager of the Cubs. The Cubs suck.

Indians in 5 games

National League Championship Series: Phillies vs. Diamondbacks

The Diamondbacks have run out of retro and show up with some shiny refractory looking thing. I guess that happens when your franchise isn't even 10 years old. They didn't even bother to get a different player, it's Steve Finley again. And what the hell is Showcase? I thought it was Flair Showcase? Why drop the Flair and keep the Showcase? Blech. No way this shiny piece of crap is beating Tim's dad on that 1981 card.

Phillies in 6 games

American League Championship Series: Red Sox vs. Indians

We have a battle of the gaudy borders here, Red Sox comes with 1990 Topps, the Indians bring a card from 1975. Barrett's a great choice for the Sox, he would have been the 1986 World Series MVP had Schiraldi, Stanley and Buckner not conspired against him. But Rico Carty's on old-time Brave and you know what that means on this blog. Did Marty ever win a batting title? I don't think so. It's pretty much a push at this point, but Rico's border is orange, yellow and brown, perfect fall colors for October and the Fall Classic.

Indians in 7 games

World Series: Phillies vs. Indians

Battle of the horizontal formats. The Phillies remind everyone that they have actually won one of these things in our lifetime as Larry Bowa slides into second in a cloud of dust. The Indians save their best for last and showcase the immortal Oscar Gamble on a 1973 card with a larger cloud of dust, a wider shot and bigger hair. That poor second baseman never knew what hit him. To add insult to injury Oscar is wearing a Phillies uniform in the picture. There's even the same 371 foot marker from left center at the Vet in the background of both cards. You shouldn't have traded Oscar, Phillies... Indians win by a fro.

Indians win in 6 games

What? This is very scientific. Besides my picks can't be any more worse than the ones from these guys.

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