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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Fresh 2 U - Jeff Blauser

On card three of the Florida Agricultural Commission set we see Jeff Blauser holding up a top-secret experimental tangerine. A tangerine orchard just outside of Ocala was infected with a special strain of mold commissioned by the Department of Defense and then irrigated with tritium contaminated water for 8 months. The radioactivity caused the DNA of the two organisms to combine to create a highly suggestive symbiote that lived in the peel that would form messages at the urging of a gardener, farmer or Federal agent dressed in overalls. The 'official' story was that the fruit was to be used for innocuous advertising purposes, but the CIA saw them as a propaganda tool that could be sent in aid packages to unfriendly nations to promote anti-government sentiments through slogans written on the peels. Unfortunately Fidel Castro's cousin Jorge was employed as a migrant worker on the farm and was acting as a spy for the Cuban Government. Two weeks before the Orwellian citrus was scheduled to be sent to Guatemala, Jorge had convinced over three quarters of the orchard to become Marxists. The fruit rejected their capitalist propaganda and instead wrote socialist agitprop and portraits of Che Guevara on their skins. A particularly patriotic tree reported the traitors to the Feds and after a protracted battle where many agents were knocked senseless by falling fruit an airstrike had to be called in to quash the uprising. The orchard was razed, the project was canceled and the remaining loyal tangerines were transferred to Disney World where they were used as heads for the dolls in the "It's A Small World" ride and can be found smiling vapidly even today. Jeff never knew just how dangerous that innocent looking little tangerine that he was holding for this photo truly was.

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