IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW

One year ago today the first espisode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic debuted. In the past year, My Little Pony has completely blown up, taken over YouTube, broken 4Chan (!), been generally awesome and turned me into this guy:

I still have no idea how this happened, and if me from 6 months ago could see me now, the old me would probably try to punch the new me in the face while the new me yelled at myself to "JUST WATCH ONE FRIGGIN EPISODE - TRUST ME". Actually, I do know how it happened, I saw this post on Metafilter, laughed at a My Little Pony/Weird Al Yankovic mashup and that should have been the end of it. But noOOoo I had to read through the thread and click on all the links like an idiot. I clicked on this link, was simultaneously horrified and confused and bewildered at the thought of a little girly toy singing about what a colossal bitch she was, and I could not shake the weirdness of that moment. Eventually I saw ponies on Reddit, and then ponies on /co/ and I clicked on some stupid YouTube parodies and finally I saw a link to an actual episode and thought "what could it hurt? maybe my kid will like the show" AND NOW I'M AN ADDICT. There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of a pony binge. Seriously kids, Ponies. Not even once.

Even though I know what happened to me and it's my own damn fault, my brain refuses to accept it (you don't understand how much I hated those goddamn little ponies when I was a kid) and insists on finding a scapegoat to blame. Well, I think I found one. What was the last new card product I was actually excited about this year before I got all meh over new baseball cards? It was these Platinum Diamond things:

DIAMOND SPARKLE 

And which pony is the focus of My Little Pony as she has adventures and learns all about the magic of friendship?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It's a sparkly pony conspiracy!

SOOOOOOO SHIIIIIINY!!!

Furbush?

 I got nothin'.

But wait, where do the old school Gold parallels fit in?

The big magical Element of Harmony crown thingy is gold... CLOSE ENOUGH.

TOPPS HAS BEEN PLOTTING THIS FOR YEARS

AND THE BLUE ONES ARE 20% COOLER

Damn skippy they are.

Oh, wait, there's more... now we got these things:

COGNAC PARALLELS

Oh but wait, there's more... What else have we been chasing around like idiots for the past year...

DIAMONDS.

WE'RE ALL RARITY NOW. DIGGING FOR GEMSTONES.

It is obvious to me now that Topps has conspired with Hasbro to pave the way for baseball card addicts to become infected with the Deadly Pony Virus by weakening our immune systems with a combination of a barrage of shiny sparkly parallels followed with a glut of products that range from underwhelming (Heritage, Allen & Ginter) to absolute garbage (Lineage). Thus, once the subject has been weakened by the shinyness and ennui, the stalking ponies can make their move and POUNCE.

In at least one case this tactic has worked brilliantly, turning a normal, well adjusted person deranged lunatic completely and utterly consumed by a pastime for little boys into a deranged lunatic obsessed with a cartoon for little girls. In fact, it's turned me into a regular Typhoid Pony, spreading the Pony Plague throughout the blogosphere with an evangelical zeal.

Oh, did I mention that Season 2, Episode 3 debuts this Saturday on The Hub? And while you're calling your local cable or satellite provider demanding that they add The Hub to your cable package yesterday you can shop for official My Little Pony merchandise at Toys R Us online! Or pick up official Canterlot toys at Target! Or simply mail cash, checks and your credit card information directly to Hasbro and Lauren Faust!

So in conclusion, Topps is at least partly responsible for my Pony Madness. The parts not caused by epically adorable cartoon ponies chewing bubble gum and kicking ass, that is.

So um, thanks, Topps. I sure do dig a pony.