RIP 2008 Detroit Tigers
What the hell happened here?? I expected the Tigers to waltz into the playoffs, but they can't even frug to .500. No, I didn't say something dirty, frug is a dance. I know it's a pop culture reference that's older than I am, I can't help that I have way too much useless trivia rattling around in my skull. It's alliterative... Frug to Five hundred. That's a high falootin' writing technique right there, wasted on this awful team. I don't know any modern dances anyway. I also don't know what the hell happened to this team, that's why I'm blithering on about dances.
RIP 2008 Texas Rangers
I came this close to typing Longhorns instead of Rangers. I'll bet a good chunk of the Ranger fans have been typing Longhorns for a couple of months now. The Rangers haven't exactly had a bad season, it's just that the Angels clinched the division back in May. There's plenty of good things for Ranger fans to look back on this year. They've got a hell of a lineup, Josh Hamilton is one of the biggest stories of the year, the Ballpark in Arlington is a fantastic stadium, no one messes with them 'cause they're Texas and the pitching staff... well, the pitching staff... ok, so that's one of the not so good things. They might be a contender in '09 if they can get the staff ERA closer to 4.00 than 6.00. Should be easy to do if they just stop trading away stud pitchers.
RIP 2008 Cleveland Indians
Disregard the first four months of the season and this is actually a damn good team! They might be in the playoffs right now if they had let the Cavaliers play for a couple of months after they got bounced by the Celtics. On the bright side, they've got the 2008 AL Cy Young award winner. They got Matt LaPorta from Milwaukee in exchange for a Captain Cheeseburger rental. Fausto, Garko, Asdrubal, Jhonny and Shin-Soo Choo give them the All-name championship. They might actually end up the season at .500 after tanking this summer. And best of all, there's no possible way that lineup can stink any worse in 2009. Andy Marte? Franklin Gutierrez? David Dellucci? Phew.
RIP 2008 St. Louis Cardinals
A pretty meh year for for the Cards. They'll have a winning season, but not much else. Pujols has had a nice year, doubly so since his elbow has been in shreds all season. Ludwick was a nice surprise. So was Lohse. That still doesn't mean they'll do better than 4th in a brutal division.
RIP 2008 Florida Marlins
Look on the bright side. They have the best wins per dollar spent ratio in the majors this year. Hanley's a superstar who has joined the 30-30 club. They've got the best hitting infield around. They've got a bunch of good looking young pitchers, a commodity that is in short supply. They have at least two die hard fans. Maybe three. Get another starting pitcher and a big hitter in the outfield and they could contend next year. Of course management could look at how well they did with a limited payroll this season and slash salaries in half while doubling ticket prices. Triple for games when it rains. This is Florida we're talking about.
RIP 2008 Toronto Blue Jays
I used to like the Blue Jays. I bought a Blue Jays cap at the souvenir stand at a Braves game when I was a kid. I thought that bird logo was really cool. Dave Steib and Fred McGriff were Blue Jays. Heck, Bobby Cox was their manager for a while. And they were Canadian. Everybody loves Canada! And I liked the Blue Jays. Then the Braves played them in the 1992 World Series. And Robbie Fucking Spit Boy Rat Bastard Alomar did that mock tomahawk chop. Now I hate the Blue Jays. The Blue Jays who are stuck forever in the AL East. Along with New York and Boston and their trillion dollar payrolls. And now even the crappy Rays are beating their asses. SUFFER BLUE JAYS SUFFER! Sorry, the Cito Gaston hiring has opened up some old wounds.
RIP 2008 New York Yankees
This is all I have to say about the 2008 New York Yankees:
Atlanta Braves postseason streak: 1991-2005. 14 straight seasons.
New York Yankees postseason streak: 1995-2007. 13 straight seasons.
Ok, so you have more World Series Championships, and you beat our asses twice. So what, you're losers too now. There's one other thing the Yankees got that the rest of of us non-elite teams don't:
Plus half your roster will be 35 or over next year and your payroll is already massive. So good luck with that in '09.
Waiting for the Worms:
Houston Astros: Wild Card Elimination Number = 2
Arizona Diamondbacks: NL West Elimination Number = 3
Milwaukee Brewers: Wild Card Elimination Number = 5
Minnesota Twins: AL Central Elimination Number = 5