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Saturday, January 17, 2009

Scott Boras fields calls about Andruw

Apparently Scott Boras has had no less than eight teams contact him about Andruw Jones after being released from his contract with the Dodgers. I thought it was a load of bupkis since even the Braves are leery of bringing him back. Chipper Jones came right out and said that he's still swinging like a rusty gate for Pete's sake. However, the transscripts of the calls have been leaked to show that they are legit. See for yourself:

Frank Wren, Braves: Ok, when you're done screwing around trying to get another sucker to give Andruw a ridiculous contract, tell him that the team he wanted to be with all along will give him a minor league deal and a chance to make the roster in Spring Training.

Michael Hill, Marlins: Would you do a league minimum contract for Andruw? We'd be really interested in signing him at the minimum, that way we could trade Hermida and save $40,000. Please?

Jim Bowden: Nationals: We don't actually want to sign him or anything, but can you leak that we're interested? We're trying to get our name out in the media to create the illusion that we're, you know, relevant.

Brian Cashman, Yankees: If you even think about associating our good name with your client, you'll be sleeping in the Hudson tonight. Capiche?

Neal Huntington, Pirates: You know, after spending a decade and a half systematically dismantling the franchise, our front office thinks it's time to open up the checkbook. The Pirates really need a centerpiece player since we gave up Bay for magic beans. I'll just send you a blank check, mmmkay? Excuse me a moment - there's an angry mob at the door... BLEAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH THE PAIN, THE PAIN... SHOULDN'T YOU PEOPLE BE WATCHING THE STEELERS

Walt Jocketty, Reds: Hello Scott? I was interested in signing your client, Hugh. You know, Hugh Jass? We'd like Hugh Jass to play outfield for us this year. Can you call Hugh Jass over to the phone? Just yell it right out and he'll come a-waddlin'. Hey Hugh!

Omar Minaya, Mets: He wants HOW much? Really? AAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA *gasp* HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! Hold on, hold on... I gotta call Kenny Wiliams... Hey Ken! Guess how much Andruw wants? No, no, he wants a real contract!!! No, really!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Frank Wren, Braves: Ok, Scott? We just talked it over with Bobby and he wants to pencil him and his .500 OPS in the cleanup spot. Scratch the minor league deal, he can work Skip and Pete's barbecue stand this season and try to work his way back up to playing in Gwinnett.

Ned Colleti: YOU ARE A MONSTER. AN EVIL INHUMAN SOULLESS MONSTER. HOW CAN YOU WITH GOOD CONCIENCE FOIST THAT FAT TUB OF GOO ON UNSUSPECTING FRANCHISES. YOU... YOU... YOUUUUUUUU........ Oh, that reminds me, what would it take to get Gagne back in a Dodger uniform? We've got plenty of money that we won't give Manny for some reason, just tell me how much he wants. Thanks babe!


Wax Heaven said...

I would DIE to see Hermida replaced by Jones. Andruw is NOT done and I think this was the kick in the ass he needed.

Jeffrey Wolfe said...

Love the Pirates blurb...priceless

Bay Rat North West said...

I bet Borras did not find Jockety's call funny after last year falling for the "I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss."
Classic stuff. Thanks. Needed it after a weird weekend in LA.